August 5th, 2024

Welcome to Part II of the Power Ranking of my favorite Dallas Cowboys of all-time.

Part I is here and featured five dudes from the Landry Era (1960-1988), as well as five dudes from the Tony Romo: NBA Superstar Era (2001-Present).

Today is all about the Holy Shit, Our All-Pro Receiver Just Stabbed a Teammate in the Motherfuckin’ Neck Era (1989-2000). This is the time that I, and likely most of you reading this, fell in love with this team. It’s also the era that is most responsible for me (and likely you) not being able to quit this shitbox of a franchise after decades of incompetence, heartbreak, and Jerry spreading his seed like there’s a bump stock attached to his urethra. So, y’know, two edges to the sword and all that.

I digress. Here we go, kids, my favorite Dallas Cowboys of the ‘90s Dynasty:

10. Alvin Craig Harper (wide receiver, 1991-1994, 1999)

Most guys on these lists are Hall of Famers, or at the very least multi-time All-Pros. There are a couple of exceptions, though, and this is one of them. Freaky Harp is on the list for four reasons:

1) The three-catch, 117-yard performance he posted versus the 49ers in the 1992 NFC Championship game at Candlestick Park. He had a 38-yard leaping reception over Eric Davis that set up a Moose Johnston touchdown run in the 3rd quarter, and then with under 5:00 remaining in the game he made his most important and lasting play as a Cowboy: The 70-yard catch and run on a post that set up a Kelvin Martin touchdown reception that provided the ‘Boys with the winning margin. It’s no hyperbole to say I’ve rewatched that play 5,000 times since the advent of YouTube.

2) The three-catch, 91-yard, one-TD effort he dialed up against the Packers on Thanksgiving in 1994 (also known as the Jason Garrett game). I watched this one in the state of Wisconsin, as that’s where my dad is from. We spent Thanksgiving up there that year, and I viewed this game in the company of a couple of aunts, a couple of uncles, my grandmother, and a few cousins, all HUGE Packer fans. There were many times where it seemed like Brett Favre would dick pic his way out of another deficit and have the Pack on the brink of a win, but then the future Coach Process would just throw the ball up to Harp and let him do this thing. Awesome performance, and perhaps the most enjoyable regular season win for me in 35 years of fandom.

3) Dude was a 7’2” high jumper on the track and field team at the University of Tennessee. OVER SEVEN FEET!!!! Do you know how insanely impressive it is to be able to jump over Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and not touch his immaculately bald head?

4) Bro…he’s Freaky Harp. Dude LOVED pussy, and was a handsome, athletic, rich, and famous youngster. He would have slayed box regardless, but when he got into Michael Irvin’s orbit? Sheeeeeeeeeeeit…I literally can’t think of a metaphor for how many 10s and 11s Harp pulled while a Cowboy. In fact, I’m not even sure numbers go that high. It’s like trying to contemplate how many grains of sand there are on a given beach, or the number of creampies Jerry has given.

9. Charles Lewis Haley (defensive end, 1992-1996; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2015)

I can’t properly articulate with the known words of the English language how much it fucking kills me to include a longtime San Francisco 49er on this last, but that’s where I find myself.

I LOATHE the 49ers. It’s not your garden variety type of hate, either. I hate those assholes more than Jerry hates condoms, Plan B, and pulling out of random skanks combined. Which…yeah, that’s a bunch of hate, as we all know that Jerry’s most favorite thing to do is blast a piping hot, salty, old as fuck, meandering, shitty at general managing, Johnny Walker Blue-infused load into the glory hole of a 31-year-old Mi Cocina bartender.

But seriously, fuck the 49ers, and everything those assholes stand for. Here’s the deal, though: Charles Haley was that good, and that much of a difference-maker after coming to the ‘Boys from the Niners in the 1992 offseason, that I MUST include him here. He only had 6.0 sacks in the regular season, and one more in the playoffs, but all the double teams and attention he drew allowed his teammates to wreck shop. Tony Tolbert set a then-career high with 8.5 regular season sacks; he added two more in the Divisional Round win over Philly. Jim Jeffcoat tallied 10.5 regular season sacks in ‘92, the 5th highest total in a career that saw him get to the quarterback over 100 times. Even the big ‘Boys got to eat as a result of Haley’s presence, as defensive tackles Russell Maryland, Tony Casillas, Leon Lett, and Jimmie Jones combined for 13.0 regular season sacks, and then another 6.0 in the playoffs (including a Hat Trick for Tony C. in the NFC Championship game against the stupid 49ers).

And there’s one more thing I love Mr. Haley for. The Cowboys started the 1993 season 0-2, with losses to Washington and Buffalo. One of the main reasons the ‘Boys dropped those games is that Emmitt Smith was holding out for a bigger contract. After the Buffalo loss, Jerry came into the locker room and Chuck Haley threw his helmet at Jerry, putting a huge hole in the wall in the process, and screamed, “SIGN THAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!” Jerry took the advice to heart, stopped plowing waitresses long enough to get Emmitt signed that week, Emmitt was named league MVP that year, and the ‘Boys repeated as champions. Charles Haley was batshit, and probably a bully way too often, but dude got results. And he eventually got treatment for his bi-polar disorder, apparently becoming a much more palatable gentleman in the process.

But again, seriously…motherfuck the 49ers.

8. James McArthur Washington (safety, 1990-1994)

How badass a name is James McArthur Washington? Sounds like a take-no-shit general from the War of 1812 that drank way too much sour mash.

How badass a dude was James Washington? The answer to that question is simple: The motherfucker’s nickname was Drive-By.

James Washington played safety for five seasons in Dallas, and it seemed like his intent on every snap was to dislodge the ball carrier’s spinal column from the rest of his being. Dude played downhill, and fast, and VIOLENTLY, and it was awesome to watch. He wasn’t always the greatest in coverage, but he would fill holes, light cats up, and then talk MAD shit to them. He was also one of the first NFLers to wear a durag under his helmet, which is just such a spectacularly baller and stylish move. Elementary-aged me adored him and was crestfallen when he signed with the Commanders. (And yes, I know the NFL team in Washington, D.C., had a different nickname in the ‘90s. But it was a hateful and disparaging nickname, and I ain’t about that type of action, boss. If you think that’s too woke of me, you may collect a full refund on the subscription cost of this site by sending at least a three-minute video of you titty-fucking your wife, as well as your bank account’s routing number, to Fuck_Your_Feelings_You_Racist_Shitbird@hotmail.com.)

Back to J. Wash. What I really dug about him was that he made his biggest plays in the biggest games. He had a huge interception of Steve Young in the 1992 NFC Championship game. He recorded a pick against Jim Kelly in the 1st quarter of Super Bowl 27 that led to a touchdown, when that was still a close ballgame. He was even better the next year against the Bills in Super Bowl 28, recording the safety hat trick: he forced a fumble, intercepted a pass, and recovered a fumble, which he returned 48 yards for a touchdown that tied the game at 13-13 early in the 3rd quarter and gave the ‘Boys a huge jolt. Mr. Washington was a goddamn menace the day Dallas went back-to-back, and if Emmitt doesn’t go for 132 yards and two touchdowns, Drive-By would have been the MVP of that game.

7. Mark Pulemau Tuinei (offensive tackle, 1983-1997)

The ‘90s Dynasty had so many dominant offensive linemen, the best of which will appear on this list in a few spots. There was also Nate Newton, Kevin Gogan, Mark Stepnoski, Erik Williams, John Gesek, Ray Donaldson…just name after name of dudes that would maul defenders at the snap.

My favorite, though, was always Tui. I think a big part of it was the name. “Mark Tuinei” just sounds fucking awesome. It flows, it’s lyrical, and it evokes both power and grace. A name, and what a person chooses to be called, is such an important thing, and something about Tui’s name just works. It’s somehow simple AND complex; fierce AND gentle; majestic AND everyman. Which makes sense, ‘cause there’s a very interesting dichotomy at play with Mark Tuinei and the gentlemanly way he would absolutely dominate fools on the field.

Something I didn’t know about Tui until today: He played defense in college, and signed with the Cowboys as a defensive tackle. Two years later, though, the ‘Boys needed offensive linemen, so Tui made the switch to the other side of the ball and dominated for a decade. My favorite thing about team sports is the brotherhood aspect, and a dude switching not only positions but sides of the ball for his team and later becoming a Pro Bowler ‘cause his boys needed him to is the type of shit that’ll make me cry if I think about it long enough.

Of course, crying over Tui is easy, as he died in 1999 after accidentally overdosing on a speedball. (BTW, the fact that I’m an opiate addict in recovery, and that Tui died from drug use, is absolutely germane when considering how I came up with these 10 names.) It was fucking tragic, made even more so by the fact that Tui had recently been hired as a high school football coach at his alma mater when he passed. Dude would have been a phenomenal coach, and there’s a good chance that, had he lived, he’d now be the Cowboys O-line coach, or possibly OC by now. He was that talented, that respected, and that good at his job, and he’s missed by many. Rest easy, Tui.

5. Larry Christopher Allen, Jr. (guard/tackle, 1994-2005; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2013)

Now we’re getting into the heavy hitters, as there's only Hall of Famers from this point.

I love stories about folks that had to overcome a host of setbacks to achieve greatness, and Larry Allen’s tale qualifies. The Compton native almost died at six-weeks old after contracting meningitis. At the age of 10, he was stabbed 12 times in the head, shoulder, and neck while protecting his brother. He attended four different high schools in four years. He was declared academically ineligible to play NCAA Division I football, so he attended a junior college in Oroville, California. No Division I schools came calling, so he took a year off, then enrolled at Division II Sonoma State University in NorCal, where twice he was an All-American. He suffered a torn rotator cuff before the NFL draft in 1994, which cause him to drop to the Cowboys in the 2nd round, the 10th offensive lineman taken that year. And you know what he did after that, right?

He became one of the baddest motherfuckers in the history of the league.

If you’re reading this, you know about the exploits of Larry Allen. The time he ran down a linebacker and prevented a pick-six against the Saints…the time John Madden skeeted all over his Telestrator when Larry was putting on maybe the most impressive O-lineman performance in NFL history…the 700-pound bench press rep he did, made even more impressive by the 12-pound pinch of snuff he had in his lip…the 900-pound back squat he did that there’s no video of, unfortunately…the time he found and befriended a blue ox…the time he…

Y’know what? Just do this, okay? For me. Go to YouTube, type “Larry Allen dominates” in the search bar, and watch the handful of videos that pop up. If you watched those games in the ‘90s like I did, it’s like slipping into a warm bath. A warm, 6’3”, 335-pound, freakishly strong bath that will pull to the play side, absolutely MELT a waiting linebacker, help him up, flash that infectious smile, then go back to the huddle and get ready to do it all over again. Dude was a legend, easily the best lineman in Cowboys’ history, and on the short list of best linemen ever. Of course, like Tui’s a couple decades prior, Larry’s story ended tragically, as he recently died at the age of 52 while on vacation in Mexico. Rest in peace, Larry.

4. Emmitt James Smith III (running back, 1990-2002; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2010)

Does Emmitt make me cringe sometimes? Yes. Was he terrible at being an NFL TV personality? Yes. Did he once, on the cover of Sports Illustrated, wear a pair of shorts so tiny he made Brad Davis look like Chris Webber? Yes. Is he obsessed with his own statistics and records? Yes.

But dude…he was Emmitt Smith. One of the toughest, most dependable, most inevitable, most prolific, most “Give me the fucking ball 25 times and we’ll win this bitch” dudes to ever play. Where do you even start when discussing Emmitt highlights, or big moments? The separated shoulder game against New York that not only helped the Cowboys win the NFC East in ‘93 but also cemented his MVP that year? The Monday night Halloween game at Philly? The time he decided, “Nah, Buffalo, y’all ain’t winning this Super Bowl, either?” The game against the Seahawks when he broke the league’s rushing record? Sure, all of those are awesome.

In order to illustrate how stupidly productive Emmitt was, what I did was visit profootballreference.com, picked a random game from a random Emmitt season, and checked the box score. The date was October 13th, 1996. The opponent was the Arizona Cardinals. The ‘Boys won 17-3 to improve to 3-3 on their way to a 10-6 record and a second-round playoff loss to Carolina in Barry Switzer’s penultimate season as head coach, but that’s immaterial here. What matters are Emmitt’s numbers that day: 21 rushes for 112 yards and two touchdowns, including the game-winner, and four catches for 10 yards. That’s what’s so nuts about Emmitt: That’s a HUGE day of production for a running back, and Emmitt did it in a random October game against a shitty team in his 7th season in the league. He put up lines like this one for over a decade, and I think it became easy to take them for granted. He did shit that will never be done again in the league, and he makes the extremely short list of “Those Most Responsible for the ‘90s Cowboys Success.”

I’ll sometimes hear or read folks arguing that Emmitt is the greatest running back ever, and that’s a bridge too far. Jim Brown, Barry Sanders, LaDainian Tomlinson, Walter Payton, Gale Sayers…all of them were better running backs than Emmitt. He wasn’t the fastest, or the biggest, or the shiftiest, or the meanest, or anything like that. But what he was, and what made him such an integral part of the ‘90s Cowboys' success, was the absolute perfect fit for the offense his team ran, and the offensive line that blocked in front of him. There will never be a better RB/OL match up in the league, and there will never be another man not named Emmitt that will hold the career rushing record.

3. Troy Kenneth Aikman (quarterback, 1989-2000; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2006)

One of the most impossibly talented, intelligent, and handsome dudes to ever live. If I didn’t love him so much, I’d detest him out of sheer jealousy.

Anywho…remember that episode of “Coach” when Coach Fox and his wife were looking for a sperm donor, and Troy was one of the candidates? Troy’s at the house, and Coach’s wife brings him a Dixie cup for the donation, but Coach quickly runs to the kitchen to grab a much bigger vessel, in this case a regular size drinking glass? Yeah, you remember. Good shit, right? Although, had it been true-to-life, Coach would have grabbed a trash can.

2. James William Johnson (head coach, 1989-1993; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2020)

The question of who’s more responsible between Jimmy and Jerry for the three Super Bowl wins from ’92-‘95 is so fucking stupid, but sure, let’s engage it. How about a quiz? Three questions about the Jimmy/Jerry “partnership” to ponder:

1) Of the two, which is more responsible for drafting Troy Aikman, Daryl Johnston, Mark Stepnoski, Tony Tolbert, Emmitt Smith, Jimmie Jones, Russell Maryland, Alvin Harper, Dixon Edwards, Erik Williams, Leon Lett, Larry Brown, Kevin Smith, Jimmy Smith, and Darren Woodson, and which is more responsible for setting a North American record for “Most Times Raw Doggin’ an Intern on the Team Plane?”

2) Of the two, which is more responsible for signing Jay Novacek and trading for Charles Haley, and which is more responsible for getting shit-housed at a Dallas-area restaurant in 2009 and taking a bunch of salacious photos with a couple women less than half his age, including one where he’s got a handful of titties and is leering at the camera like he’s watching practice video of Shante Carver? Jerry, you do know that trichomoniasis discharge doesn’t ever fully wash off of old man hands, right? My bad, what the fuck am I asking? Jerry knows that shit better than anyone.

3) Of the two, which is more responsible for spearheading the Herschel Walker trade with Minnesota, eventually netting the Cowboys six first- or second-round picks, and which is more responsible for appearing in one of the most infamous photos of all-time, because ~~interracial insemination was the last square on his freshman year Bingo card~~ “he just wanted to see what was going on?”

Is Jerry a phenomenal businessman? Without question. Did his money and “Fuck it” attitude early on in his tenure as Cowboys’ owner make it easier for Jimmy to acquire talent? Almost certainly. Did Jerry have a goddamn thing to do with anything relating to on-the-field success? Minimally, at most. Jimmy was an asshole, and admittedly a shitty husband and father, but at least he spearheaded one of the most dominant dynasties in NFL history. Jerry was also an asshole and a shitty husband and father, and one of the few things he engineered was the world’s most expensive stable of illegitimate children this side of the British monarchy.

Drawing courtesy of my boy JHC.

1. Michael Jerome Irvin (wide receiver, 1988-1999; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 2007)

The 15th of Walter and Pearl’s 17 children was the only one ever considered for the top spot on this list, and was like 98% of the reason I wanted to do these rankings.

First things first: Michael Irvin was not an exemplary human being during most of his Cowboys’ tenure. He committed multiple felonies, cheated on his wife countless times, and he stabbed teammate Everett McIver in the neck, missing his carotid artery by less than an inch. (BTW, I don’t think enough gets made of that: A FUTURE HALL OF FAMER NEARLY KILLED A TEAMMATE AT TRAINING CAMP ONE YEAR!!! Can you imagine the media shit show that would ensue in 2024 if Travis Kelce got into an argument with a second-year tackle over a haircut and subsequently tried to murder him?) To Mike’s credit, he has shown quite a bit of contrition for most of these things, and has seemingly tried to be a better employee/husband/father/person as he’s gotten older.

But here’s the deal: Despite all that, he’s the Playmaker. He was the living heartbeat of the Dallas Cowboys 1990s dynasty, and he’s my favorite Cowboy ever.

Why Michael Irvin, though? He had his stats, impressive ones in fact, but it wasn’t about that. He had the fur coat, and the fancy cars, and the groupies, but it damn sure wasn’t about that. He had his rings, which are of course a big part of the story and the reason he’s so revered in these parts, but it’s not even about that. So what was it about then? Why did I love Michael Irving so much?

Confidence. The Playmaker was a self-confident person, and I dug that shit, probably because I couldn’t relate. I was an extremely insecure kid, especially in middle school, and I envied the way Mike Irvin very clearly believed in his talents and abilities. I was a tall, skinny, awkward, gangly, clumsy teenager, and the way #88 would use his body to shield defenders from the football and catch a missile from Troy was something I could only dream of. I have a huge crook in my nose that you can literally hang clothes on, and had terrible acne as a youngster, and having models throw themselves at me that way the did Mike was never going to be a possibility. I literally thought for a couple years that the only thing I was good at was getting told “Nobody likes a smart ass,” and thus having the adulation and adoration of millions was such a pipe dream that I never even let myself imagine it. Your favorite teams and players just matter more to you when you’re a kid for a lot of reasons, but a main one is that they become avatars for how you’d like the world to see you. I wanted nothing more than to be a vital piece of a successful operation like Mike. I wanted to be thought of as attractive and desirable. I wanted to have the confidence and self-assuredness to dare to dance after a three-yard gain. I REALLY wanted to be like Mike.

Actually, no; scratch that. I wanted to be like the Playmaker, and in a lot of ways still do.

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Thanks for reading, folks. I'll be back later this week thoughts on many subjects, and there's also a power ranking of the most hilarious college football scandals of all-time I'd like to get to (which will PROMINENTLY feature Mike Price).

ArmSideFun@gmail.com is the email address. If you have ideas, questions, or anything of the like, let me know.

Take care, and don't be an asshole.

August 5th, 2024

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