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10) Eagles at Cowboys (11/23/89)

How about Jerry and Jimmy’s first Thanksgiving game? The contest itself was extremely anti-climactic and never in doubt as Philly won 27-0 to drop Dallas to 1-10, but the circumstances surrounding the game, and specifically its two head coaches, made the headlines here. This was Bounty Bowl I, as Jimmy accused Eagles’ HC Buddy Ryan of putting injury bounties on Troy Aikman and kicker Luis Zendejas, heretofore best-known as the Asthma Field guy. Only the principles involved know if there was a bounty placed on any ‘Boys, but we got this quote from Jimmy out of the whole ordeal: “I have absolutely no respect for the way they played the game. I would have said something to Buddy, but he wouldn't stand on the field long enough. He put his big fat rear end into the dressing room.” In other words, Cowboys/Eagles was all the way the fuck back.

9) Eagles at Cowboys (11/27/14)

After the Bounty Bowl, the Eagles didn’t return to town on Turkey Day for a quarter-century. When they did show back up, they blew out the ‘Boys 33-10 behind the efforts of…[checks box score]…[reboots computer, recycles modem, and checks box score again]…[sits in stunned silence for three minutes after checking box score for a third time while muttering “What the shit?”]…Mark Sanchez? Mark fucking Sanchez? No way. Either the entire internet is pulling an elaborate prank on yours truly, or Mark Sanchez actually outdueled Tony Romo in late November of 2014. Besides prominently featuring the Butt Fumble dude, why was this blowout loss so memorable for me? I became a dad two weeks before this game was played, thus making this the first Cowboys’ Thanksgiving game my son and I watched together. Did we both eat and drink way too much and pass out at halftime? Certainly. Did at least one of us shit himself in the 4th quarter? No doubt. Was it an exciting time for a lifelong Cowboy fan, regardless of the outcome? Without question, especially since Dallas would go on to win five straight before the Dez catch game in Green Bay.

8) Washington Football Team at Cowboys (11/24/16)

Dak and Zeke’s first Thanksgiving game was a banger, a 31-26 win over Washington that pushed the Cowboys’ record to 10-1. Rayne Dakota was rock-solid, accounting for 234 total yards and two touchdowns, Zeke tacked on 120 yards from scrimmage and two scores, and Sean Lee recorded 14 tackles, including 1.5 behind the line of scrimmage. Just an all-around great day to be a Cowboys’ fan, although this game did usher in the Salvation Army Red Kettle Celebration Era.

7) Washington Football Team at Cowboys (11/22/18)

Two years later Washington came back to town and got decimated by newish Cowboy Amari Cooper, who, in just his seventh game for Dallas, hauled in eight catches for 180 yards and two scores in a 31-23 ‘Boys victory. The two third quarter tuddies Mr. Cooper hung on the WFT were huge, a 40-yarder then a 90-yarder less than five minutes later that helped turn a three-point Dallas deficit into an 11-point lead; a couple years later he was later traded for a Day 3 draft pick. Hackneyed and contrived celebrations aside, Zeke was once again phenomenal in this one, rushing for 121 yards and a touchdown; he also caught five balls for 22 yards. I went back and watched the highlights of this game this morning, and young Zeke was a goddamn stud. It’s easy to forget that these days when you watch him plow headfirst into his Cooper Beebe’s left ass cheek for another no-gain, but the pre-big contract version of Ezekiel Elliott was a game-wrecking menace that the other team HAD to account for.

6) Bears at Cowboys (11/24/04)

I don’t know what the worst-ever starting quarterback matchup in a Cowboys’ Thanksgiving game will be 50 years from now, but Drew Henson vs. Jonathan Quinn is gonna be hard to top. The Cowboys eventually won this game 21-7 behind a yeoman’s effort from Julius Jones (33 carries, 150 yards, two scores) and four solid innings out of the bullpen from Vinny Testaverde, but the story of this one is how brutal Drew Henson was at quarterbacking. 4-for-12, 31 yards (2.6 YARDS PER ATTEMPT!!!), one HORRENDOUS pick, and a QB rating of 7.6. I’m pretty sure Bill Parcells did this as a “Fuck You” to the throng of folks calling for Drew to get some run in a lost season, and boy was it effective. I was in college in November of ‘04, and this was the only Thanksgiving in those (way too many) years of higher education that I didn’t go out with friends after the game. Why? Watching Drew Henson do football required so much Wild Turkey that I literally couldn’t get off the couch after the third quarter.

5) Steelers at Cowboys (11/28/91)

I was 10 when this game was played, and this was the first time I could remember the urge and pull to be in front of a TV at 3:00 PM on Thanksgiving, no matter what. This was the year Troy got hurt early in the season and Steve Beuerlein filled in more than capably in his stead, including rallying the ‘Boys from a third quarter deficit in a 20-10 win over Bill Cowher’s Steelers. Emmitt did Emmitt things (128 yards from scrimmage and a score), the Playmaker did Playmaker things (eight for 157 and a 66-yard score to ice it), Russell Maryland and Tony Tolbert combined for three sacks of Neil O’Donnell, and Jimmy wore one of the most baller Cowboys sweaters ever. These teams, with quite a few players that appeared in this matchup still on either side, would meet four-plus years later in Super Bowl XXX, which is of course the last time the Cowboys [redacted; deemed needlessly obscene].

4) Packers at Cowboys (11/24/94)

I wasn’t alive for the 1974 game against Washington in which Clint Longley replaced an injured Roger Staubach and rallied the ‘Boys to a 24-23 victory, but I sure as shit was front and center two decades later when Jason Garrett outdueled Brett Favre in a 42-31 win. Troy was out with [pick one of: a concussion, back injury, or too much hot sex with starlets], and it took the future Coach Process a minute to find his footing. Once he did, though, he helped author what’s probably my favorite half of regular season Dallas Cowboys football ever, as JG led the ‘Boys back from a 17-6 halftime deficit. He threw a 45-yard touchdown to Alvin Harper, a 35-yard score to the Playmaker, and totaled 311 yards through the air to Favre’s 257. More importantly: best I can tell, no young reporter saw any unsolicited images of Garrett’s dick that night. That’s a win-win, kids, and it’s hard to articulate how much I enjoyed this outcome.

3) Dolphins at Cowboys (11/25/93)

My first ever Dick Punch game as a Cowboys’ fan. There had been bad losses in the Jimmy/Troy Era (specifically a 24-0 loss to Philly in ‘91 and a 27-23 loss to a 3-6 Rams team in ’92, both at home), but none like this. If you were around, you remember this one: Snow, ice, sleet; Don Shula's Dolphins wearing jerseys that looked extra teal juxtaposed against the white blanket of wintry mix; Kevin William’s punt return for a touchdown and subsequent slide in the end zone; Pete Stoyanovich kicking what at the time seemed like 12 field goals in the fourth quarter; and Leon Lett. Heavy sigh. Nothin’ but love, Leon, but dude…

2) Broncos at Cowboys (11/22/01)

A Cowboys’ team that was 2-7 entering this one, and on its way to the second of three straight 5-11 finishes, loses 26-24 to a nondescript Denver team that was quarterbacked by Brian Griese…what the hell is this game doing here? You know why. This is the year when Scott Phillips, Mark Tremonti, Brian Marshall, Scott Stapp, and a couple dudes with 1.5% body fat swinging on some extra-long bed sheets took us motherfucking “Higher.”

Thoughts I have while re-watching Creed’s seminal 2001 performance at halftime (something I do at least once a year):

-Famous #11 in ‘Boys history: Danny White, Micah Parsons, Scott Stapp.

-How cool was Scott Stapp in 2001? “I’m gonna wear goddamn windpants and dad socks during a nationally televised performance” cool, is the answer.

-The only thing more fake than Scott’s lip synching were the several giant fake titties bolted to the front of many of the Cowboys’ cheerleaders.

-Watch the face of the first bed sheet guy when he starts his routine. The self-satisfied smirk he gives tells you all you need to know about this performance: It’s legendary and will be talked about for ages.

-This was just a few weeks after 9/11, so of course there was a tie-in: images of the rubble near Ground Zero, rescue efforts, Salvation Army stuff, etc. Listen, I can’t speak for everyone, but as someone who was 20 years old at the time, there were three main components of the pop culture mortar that helped hold this country together that tumultuous fall: Britney Spears’ “Slave for You” video, Denzel as Alonzo in “Training Day,” and Creed’s halftime tour de force.

-About 4.5 minutes into the performance, when you think this thing can’t get any more sublime, the interpretive dance portion kicks in.

-An all-black boys’ choir makes its way to the stage during the last song, because there were still a few boxes on the “Hey, can we make this any more kickass?” list to be checked.

-The coup de grâce: A dove. A single white dove, released by what I’m assuming is one of Jerry’s Uh-Oh Babies. Of fucking course this masterpiece ends with a dove.

Chef’s kiss. Hats off to all involved. No notes. Perfection. Book them every year.

1) Jets at Cowboys (11/22/07)

How does a 34-3 curb stomp of the Jets in ’07 make this list? Because it’s the only Cowboys’ Thanksgiving game thus far I’ve attended. I’d been wanting to go to one since I was a kid, and was finally able to make it happen in Tony Romo’s first full season as the starting QB. I drank roughly 109 Keystone Lights and took enough hydrocodone and Adderall to kill a medium-sized farm animal, so I can only recall bits and pieces from the actual game (there was a Terrance Newman touchdown, maybe?), but the rest of the day was AWESOME. I went with my brother and a couple buddies, and we did it right. We deep-fried turkey legs and grilled steaks in the Texas Stadium parking lot, we pitched washers, we talked shit to Jets’ fans, we convinced one guy into going shirt-off and painting stars on each nipple on a sub-40-degree day, we binge-drank like the mid-20s idiots we were…it was perfect. Well, at least until we got onto 183 West after the game. If your grey sedan got hit by a shoddily secured Weber grill that flew out of the back of a pickup truck that evening, please allow me to formally apologize. Even with that, though…a tremendous experience, and if you’re even a marginal Cowboys’ fan I highly recommend you go in-person at least once.

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To wrap up for today, how about some Thanksgiving adjacent jokes? As is the case with all jokes here at ASF, just like all of the sperm that leaves my body, these are 100% hand crafted by yours truly. Enjoy.

What’s a lesbian’s favorite Thanksgiving side dish? Flicked bean casserole

What dessert goes untouched at virtually every Thanksgiving? The Blumpkin Pie

What’s Diddy’s favorite Thanksgiving tradition? A tie between dark meat and Black Friday

What is it called when Pilgrims play a basketball game on MTV? Plymouth Rock ‘n Jock

During Thanksgiving dinner, a kid asks his soon-to-be divorced parents if they would like to break the wishbone. The dad said, “Wishbone? Yeah, I wish bones that weren’t mine would stop finding their way inside your mother.”

Have a great holiday, go ‘Boys/’Horns, and don’t be an asshole.

november 27, 2024

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