July 26, 2024

In a lot of ways, I feel like the next two editions of Arm Side Fun are what I’ve been building towards since I started doing this back in January.

I fucking love the Dallas Cowboys, but I don’t write about them as much as I normally might because it’s incredibly frustrating being a diehard fan in the 21st century. I won’t enumerate all the ways that this franchise has dick punched me and other loyal fans over the last 25+ years, but rest assured the blows have been swift, brutal, cutting, and decisive.

I’m putting that aside today for a couple of reasons. Reason #1: It’s late July, which means training camp has started, and the regular season is nigh. I’ve now had several months to fully heal myself after the assault on my soul that was Dallas Cowboys’ latest playoff performance, and I am once again as hopeful as I can be that the upcoming season is the one that will make me and the rest of fanbase whole (this year’s Hope Meter, at least for me, is at 6.5). Reason #2: I adore most of the names on this list, and love thinking/talking/writing about them. Reason #3: I’ve already done this for the Rangers and the Mavericks, and I can be a bit of a completist.

But just ranking my favorite ‘Boys…it’s not that easy, right? The franchise has been around for 64 years now, and there’s a few different eras to consider. Also needing consideration is the fact that I was born in 1981, meaning I didn’t watch games on the reg until the 1989 season. So, because of that, you’ll be getting three different lists, with a total of 20 dudes on it:

-Top 5 from the Tex Schramm/Hail Mary Era (1960-1988)

-Top 5 from the Gene’s Artwork/Rusty Coat Hanger Abortion Era (2001-Present)

-Top 10 from the White House/Triplets Era (1989-2000)

That’s right folks, I’m doubling up my normal power ranking efforts for this endeavor. Don’t think I can handle all that work? Hey...can I tell you who I am? Fret not, as I’m more than ready to put in some serious effort, like I’m with Alfredo Roberts at a Residence Inn in Irving, surrounded by guns, cocaine, marijuana, sex toys, strippers, jumper cables, bowling pins, a giant tarp, and what I can only assume was a wheelbarrow full of Astro Glide.

For the sake of my ever-diminishing brain power and a nasty bruise I have on my left thumb from having to catch bullpens last week, I’m breaking this up into two parts. Part I will consist of my Top 5 from both the America’s Team Era (1960-1988) and the Dave Campo: Dolphin Whisperer Era (2001-Present). Part II will be ready next week and will include my Top 10 from the Asthma Field Era (1989-2000).

Top 5 Favorites from the Doomsday/Roger Dodger Era

5. Thomas Edward Henderson (linebacker, 1975-1979)

Were there better linebackers than Hollywood during the Landry/Schramm years? Yes, several. Were there better-behaved citizens on those teams I could have highlighted here? No question. But is there anyone during this Cowboys’ era that was more interesting, more controversial, and more “I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FUCK.” Than Hollywood Henderson? Shit no there ain’t.

Hollywood played half a decade for Dallas in the late ‘70s, but in many ways he was the poster boy for the drug-fueled heyday of the ‘90s. We’re talking about a motherfucker that once put a cocaine/water solution into an empty bottle of nasal spray and indulged himself during an NFL football game. Not just any game either: HE DID THIS IN A GODDAMN SUPER BOWL AGAINST THE CHUCK NOLL STEELERS!!! Dude was ripping pulls off his homemade snuff bullet before kickoff, and then again during the 3rd quarter, of the biggest game of his life. And he balled out! The Cowboys lost, but Hollywood forced a fumble that led to a Cowboys’ scoop-and-score, and he also notched a sack. Kind reader, if you’re not familiar with the effects of cocaine, then let me assure you: The degree of difficulty of being a playmaking force in the Super Bowl against one of the three or four best dynasties in the history of the NFL while high on cocaine is absurdly high (pun fully intended).

In my experience, there are only a few things that are really easy to do while high on cocaine. They are:

-Want more cocaine

-Call every contact in your phone looking for more cocaine

-Buy more cocaine

-Lick the inside of a cocaine baggie with a vigor, mania, and desperation typically only seen in starving hyenas feeding for the first time in weeks

- Have a complete and total inability to shut the fuck up

-Drink 27 beers and not feel a single one of them until the next day, when they all hit at once

-Develop an insatiable affinity for listening to shitty Techno

-Decide that about 90% of the world’s problems could be solved if “motherfuckers could just be chill and shit”

-Get super horny but end up so limp-dicked that, in desperation to bust a nut, you lotion up a freshly opened Kleenex box and attempt to couple with it (hypothetically)

-Not sleep for many, many, many hours

-Wish you were dead when the comedown begins

-Swear off cocaine forever

-Rip more lines that night

And that’s it; that’s the entire list of things that are easy to do while on cocaine. Making plays all over the field against one of the most accomplished teams in sports history should not be on that list, but that’s what made Hollywood so great. Yes, he had his demons…obviously. And he did some unsavory shit while high, no question. The talent and charisma were undeniable, though, and it’s a testament to just how good he was that he could survive in the league as long as he did doing what he did to his body. It caught up to him before too long, but that’s the nature of addiction, right? You gradually allow the disease to take control of the steering wheel, and it eventually drives you straight over the cliff. Hollywood eventually got sober, though, started living right, did what he could to help other addicts, and even won the lottery twice later in life (literally).

Let’s also not forget that he did one of the most legendarily kickass things ever during a Super Bowl week: He gave Terry Fucking Bradshaw a much-needed spelling lesson. Keep truckin’, Hollywood

4. Randall Lee White (defensive tackle, 1975-1988; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 1994)

The Motherfucking Manster. Two-time Super Bowl champ, seven-time 1st Team All-Pro, named to the NFL’s 100th Anniversary All-Time Team…yeah, all that’s cool. So were the sacks, and tackles for losses, and the giant club he would wear on his right hand. There’s also the time Hollywood Henderson (foolishly, and likely while under the influence) tried to fight him in the locker room…the time he met Willie Nelson while sitting in a cop car after a Super Bowl…the time he and his Doomsday BFF Harvey Martin were named Super Bowl co-MVPs. Those are pretty kickass, too.

But my favorite Manster story is from the ‘90s, when Charles Haley was on the Cowboys. Chuck Haley was crazier than a shithouse rat, and one night he rode his Harley into Randy’s Dallas restaurant. Mr. Haley was clearly drunk, and Randy politely asked him to remove his bike from his establishment. Chuck, in one of the dumbest things ever done by a guy who did a lot of dumb shit, swung on Randy; he missed. Randy, however, returned the punch and didn’t miss, and the Hall of Fame defensive tackle proceeded to coldcock the future Hall of Fame defensive end, knocking him unconscious. Can you imagine how goddamn amazing it would have been to witness that? You’re sitting there at Randy’s joint, enjoying some Three Technique Taquitos or Crazy Ray’s Catfish, and you see one of your team’s legends absolutely melt a current player with a right hook. I know most of us are glad smartphones weren’t around when we were growing up, but I’d gladly pay a month’s salary for some grainy iPhone footage of the Manster clicking the jaw of a prime Chuck Haley.

3. Roger Thomas Staubach (quarterback, 1969-1979; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 1985)

He’s Roger Staubach.

Heisman winner. Vietnam veteran. Captain America. Super Bowl MVP. Hail Mary pioneer. Businessman extraordinaire. Philanthropist. Husband/father/grandfather/great grandfather. Exemplary human being. Owner of what I must assume is a legendarily girthy member. If you need me to explain to you why Roger Staubach is one of my favorite Cowboys, then you’re either not reading this, or you’re dumber than shit.

2. Robert Lewis Lilly (defensive tackle, 1961-1974; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 1980)

Over the years, one of my favorite things to learn about the first three decades of my favorite football team has been how many of the stars of those teams were not only stone badasses at their jobs, but phenomenal people as well. Roger, Coach Tom, Charlie Waters, Harvey Martin, Mel Renfro, Rayfield Wright, Lee Roy Jordan, Bob Hayes, Drew Pearson…the list is long and distinguished. All elite football players, and all elite men. The name at the top of that list, though, is Mr. Cowboy himself, Bob Lilly.

Mr. Lilly was the first draftee in franchise history, and it’s hard to nail a pick more squarely in the bullseye. Nine NFL All-Pro Teams (including seven 1st teams), 11 Pro Bowls, ‘60s All-Decade Team, ‘70s All-Decade Team, NFL 75th Anniversary NFL Team, NFL 100th Anniversary Team, Super Bowl champ, Ring of Honor, Hall of Fame…just a ridiculously impressive list of accolades.

But the biggest thing I appreciate about Mr. Lilly is how he did his job while maintaining his gentlemanly nature. I met him once at a Barnes and Noble in Fort Worth sometime around the fall of 2008. He played his college ball at TCU and lives in Graham, so seeing him in Funky Town wasn’t that big of a surprise. He was browsing books on photography after a book signing (he’s a legendary landscape photographer, because of course he is), and I was way too star struck to approach him. Like…this is BOB LILLY! I’m barely worthy enough to breathe the same oxygen as he, I sure as shit don’t need to get any ideas about saying hello to him. This was probably something that happened to him often, though, as he sensed both my awe of his presence and reticence to approach him. He looked at me, smiled, and said, “Young man, are you a Cowboys’ fan?” At that point I’m almost certain I responded with several words from the English language, but have no clue which ones. (Honestly, I don’t recall much about the encounter, as it’s hard for your synapses to fire and your brain to form memories when you’re so excited that your head is on the verge of exploding.) Something I remember vividly, though, is us talking about how I was entering my second year as a high school coach. “Tell those boys they can do their jobs really well on the field, and also be upstanding citizens off the field. They can do both.” Ask any kid I’ve coached in the last 15 years, and they’ll tell you that I’m constantly preaching that very idea: Be a dog on the field, and a gentleman off it.

A double-team wrecking, ball carrier-destroying menace for three hours a week, and Man of the Year the rest of the time. That’s Bob Lilly.

1. Thomas Wade Landry (head coach, 1960-1988; Pro Football Hall of Fame Class of 1990)

Winner. Innovator. Gentleman. Fedora. The fuck else you need to know?

Coach Tom won two Super Bowls (6 and 12), coached in three more (5, 10,13), won 13 divisional titles, and set still-standing NFL records for longest consecutive tenure as head coach for the same team (29 years) and most consecutive winning seasons (20, 1966-1985). Let me run that back for you: FOR TWO STRAIGHT DECADES, HIS TEAMS FINISHED EACH REGULAR SEASON WITH MORE WINS THAN LOSSES!!! Do you have any idea how stupid that is? Utterly ridiculous, and it will never be topped. Put that up there with Cy Young’s 511 career wins, Wayne Gretzky’s 1,963 career assists, and James Harden’s 58 champagne room titty fucks completed during the 2015-2016 season. There’s NO WAY any coach in today’s or tomorrow’s NFL will finish OVER .500 for 21 straight seasons. The closest to doing it was Bill Belichick, who managed to book 19 straight winners before TB12 took his talents to Tampa. Mike Tomlin is currently in the midst of an elite run, having not posted a losing season in his 17 years as a head coach. However, included in that stretch are three seasons at 8-8, one at 9-8, and another at 9-7-1 (Tom’s only 9-7 season during his streak came 19 seasons in). The accomplishments of Coach Belichick and Coach Tomlin are impressive as hell, but it’s not what Coach Tom did.

Add in the fact that he essentially created the template for the modern 4-3 defensive front (which for a long time was the de facto defense at all levels of football); he was the consummate gentleman, on and off the field; and he looked like a stone pimp while unironically wearing a fedora, and you’ve got a legend, a man that embodied everything this franchise stood for. Well, at least until some drunk wildcatter from Paternity Suit Pass, Arkansas, took a giant shit through the hole in the roof of Texas Stadium.

Top 5 Favorites from the Glory Hole/Sky Mirror Era

5. Micah Aaron Parsons (edge/linebacker, 2021-present; three-time All-Pro)

The 42-year-old dad/coach part of me HATES all the extra shit that comes with Micah Parsons. The podcast, the extremely online nature of his day-to-day existence, the Twitter and Instagram accounts, the obsession with his “Madden” rating, the way he’s buddy/buddy with so many dudes on other teams. But…

He’s a generational talent, literally, meaning there’s no one in the league right now that can do the things he can. There are flaws in his game, no question, but the things he’s good at? He’s good at them at a level that’s rarely been seen this early in a career. He’s not quite on LT’s level, or Reggie White’s, as some have suggested. But, barring injury, he has a legit chance to be a Top 5 pass rusher of all-time. I also happen to believe he’ll be a Cowboy for most of his career, as he knows that’s the best way to capitalize on his brand. Which…yeah, I wish Micah weren’t so goddamned worried about his brand. Just the way I wish Luka would chill on the officials.

That’s the comparison, isn’t it? Micah Parsons and Luka Dončić. No doubt future Hall of Famers, transcendent abilities that allow them to dominate their opponents, a ridiculous amount of accolades before being able to legally rent a car, a bunch of wins and All NFL/NBA teams…and some stupid bullshit that’s necessary to put up with if you want to experience their greatness. More than an even trade, for my money.

As far as Micah, I’ll leave you with this: Three seasons into his career, and he’s already 8th on the Cowboys’ career sacks list. Bro isn’t even in his prime yet, and the shit he’s potentially capable of is dizzying to consider. I’m really glad he’s on my team, warts and all, and can’t wait to watch how his career unfolds. Roar, King.

4. Rayne Dakota Prescott (quarterback, 2016-present; 2023 All-Pro, 2022 Walton Payton Man of the Year)

Dude, I know. I KNOW.

I promise, I get it. Whatever you’re thinking about Dak right now, I guarantee you it’s a thought I’ve had about him many times myself. However...

Let’s bottom line this shit: Dak’s started 114 games in the regular season at quarterback for the Dallas Cowboys, and his team’s won 73 of those. That’s a .640 winning percentage, meaning that, over eight seasons, the ‘Boys have won damn near two out of every three games Dak’s started. How good is that .640 number? It’s 25th all-time in NFL history. You know who’s 24th on that list? John Elway. HE’S RIGHT BEHIND JOHN FUCKING ELWAY!!! Guess who Dak’s ahead of on that list? Brett Favre, Joe Theismann, Russell Wilson, Drew Brees, and Kurt Warner. Which one of these is not like the others? That’s right, Dak and his barren ring finger. It’s frustrating, it’s maddening, it’s depressing, it’s…being a fan of this team in this century.

I don’t know what will happen with Dak in terms of playoff success with the Dallas Cowboys. I don’t even know if he’ll be a part of the Dallas Cowboys this time next year. What I do know, though, is that he’s a high character gentleman that’s survived more than his share of trauma. He’s someone who’s kept his poise, composure, and sanity despite manning what’s possibly the most pressure-filled and scrutinized position in all of professional sports. He’s a guy I can point to and tell my son, “Be like him.” And he’s a fucking winner, period. At football, at life, and, hopefully one day, in the Super Bowl with a star on his helmet.

2. Zachary Edward Martin (guard, 2014-present; nine-time All-Pro, 2010s NFL All-Decade Team)

This spot came down to either Zack Martin or Jason Witten, cause I needed a Lunch Pail White Guy. I love Jason Witten, and thoroughly enjoyed watching his career, but the same is true of Zack. Here’s how I broke the tie: I think Zack Martin easily whips Jason Witten’s ass in a street fight, probably pretty quickly.

I’m not sure how I came to that conclusion, but it seems right. Zack Martin would be the favorite in a fight against almost any other NFLer, and that’s part of what makes him so endearing. He’s highly skilled and athletic, but he’s a guy that finds a way to dominate guys in the box, and has now done so for almost a decade. Zack’s also a dude that will pancake you, talk shit to you, then help you up off the ground so that he can do it all over again. He’s not only a great guard, but you can tell that he LOVES being a great guard. He’s a Hall of Famer if he woulda retired two years ago, and really the only thing missing from his résumé is a ring. He gets that, he’s probably the 2nd-best offensive lineman in franchise history, behind only Larry Allen.

Need an incomprehensibly stupid statistic to drive home how dominant Zack Martin’s been as an NFL guard? Get a load of this crazy bullshit: The ratio of holding penalties called against Zack Martin in his NFL career to the number of times he’s been named 1st Team All-Pro is exactly 1:1. Seven career holding penalties and seven 1st Team nods. Dude’s a mauler, and a grinder, and a badass, and a terrific teammate, and he’ll easily go down as one of the greatest ‘Boys ever.

1. Desmond Demond Bryant (wide receiver, 2010-2017; 2014 All-Pro)

I love Texans that do awesome shit while representing Texas entities. I love dudes with preternatural abilities that also choose to grind their ass off, every day. I love guys that are unabashedly themselves, for better or worse. And I especially love Cowboys that put together dominant stretches over multiple seasons.

Dez Bryant’s 2012-2014 seasons more than fits that bill: 48 games played, 273 catches, almost 4,000 yards, and 41 touchdowns. Dude was a dynamo those three years, and borderline unstoppable. Fades, screens, hitches, slants, post-ups in the end zone…didn’t matter. Throw it towards Dez in that era, and good shit happened for the Cowboys. Even if it got overturned by one the most asinine calls in the history of officiating…

So if you're talking Dez, you gotta talk the Dez Catch game in Green Bay. This play has been dissected to death, but here’s the part I don’t think you can quibble with: It was the right decision by Tony Romo. I know it was 4th-and-1 near midfield, and I know we had DeMarco Murray at the height of his powers running behind Tyron Smith, Zack Martin, et al., but the 2014 version of Dez Bryant matched up one-on-one with a corner is something you had to try to take advantage of. Darrelle Revis, Mel Blount, Darrell Green, Deion Sanders, Night Train Lane, Rod Woodson, his cousin Charles, Richard Sherman…doesn’t matter. If Dez Bryant is lined up in single coverage against ANY of them in January of 2015, I’m throwing him the fade, and trusting him to go do what he does best: Refuse to let any other motherfucker come down with the ball.

Dez Bryant isn’t a Hall of Famer; he may not even end up in the Ring of Honor. He was a shooting star that burned hot and fast, and flamed out almost as quickly. He had his share of issues, no doubt (which, to his credit, he owns and is working to correct). But in his prime, he was the best in the league at what he did, and watching him was such a pleasure. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna watch his 2014 highlight video for the third time today, and throw up the X exactly 88 times.

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It took 3.5K words, but Part I in the books. Part II next week, featuring Jimmy, Tui, Freaky Harp, a young man by the name of William Bates, and of course the Playmaker. And more. Can’t wait for that shit, it might be 5K words.

Have a great weekend, don’t be an asshole, and I’ll see you soon.

July 26, 2024

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