June 6th, 2024

Good day, sir. Or madam. 

What? Don’t laugh. There might be a woman that reads this site. Shit, there might be multiple women that read this site. My wife says she tries to get to the new posts “if she has time to,” and my mom really liked a recent post (no, not this one). Also, I’m pretty sure an ex-girlfriend of mine is low key stalking me through GoDaddy’s Contact Us feature. She counts, right? (While it’s on my mind, Allison, remember: the judge forbade ALL forms of electronic communication. And please stop mailing slivers of your areola to me, hoping I’ll reach out to you; that won’t work a third time.)

Enough minutiae, there’s a bunch of shit to do today. Let’s start with the obvious:

THE DALLAS BASKETBALL MAVERICKS PLAY AN NBA FINALS GAME TONIGHT!!!

It’s hard to articulate how excited I am for this series. The Celtics are the favorites, sure, but when the best player in the world is wearing your jersey, you’ve got a chance. To get geared up for Game One, how about some memorable Mavs/Celtics moments from over the years, yes? 

Mavs at Celtics (December 5th, 1980)

The first meeting between the two franchises took place in December of 1980 at the Boston Garden, and saw the Celtics win 97-87. The battle-tested and legendary combination of Tom LaGarde and Bill Robinzine paced the Mavs with 19 and 24 points, respectively, and Brad Davis put up a 4/0/1 line (points/rebounds/assists). With stat-stuffing box scores like that, it’s little wonder that Davis’s #15 eventually would eventually hang in the rafters at Reunion Arena. For the Celtics, second-year pro Larry Bird had 19/13/6, and the Chief, Bob Parrish, posted 20 points and 16 boards. In perhaps the most impressive statistical output of this contest, guys nicknamed Sully at the Garden that night combined to drink 439 beers, smoke 718 cigarettes, say the “N” word 1,239 times, and tell their girlfriends “calm down, kid, or you’ll be sleeping on a cawt in the cellah” a record 219 times. You just can’t hold down greatness, right? 

BTW: ’80-’81 was the Mavericks’ expansion season, and as you might imagine they were total horseshit. How bad? They had three separate losing streaks of at least 10 games on their way to a 15-67 overall mark. That would, most regrettably, not be the worst record in franchise history. Boston would go on to win the championship that season, the first of three for the Celtics in the ‘80s.

Celtics at Mavs (March 10th, 1986)

Boston won its first 11 games versus Dallas, but the Mavs finally broke through with a 116-115 win in March of ’86 at Reunion Arena. Rolando Blackman led the Mavericks with 32 points, and Big Smooth, Sam Perkins, chipped in a 24/9/3 effort; Perkins also recorded his league-leading 46th threesome later that evening. Dallas had to overcome a 50-piece from the Hick from French Lick, as Mr. Bird was squarely in his Apex Predator phase in the spring of ’86, winning league MVP for the third straight year while collecting yet another Larry O’Brien trophy. (True story: For a few years in the late '80s, I thought it was called the Larry O'Bird Trophy.) I was born in 1981, and really wish that would have happened a few years earlier; experiencing Larry Bird’s prime in real time seems like something that would have been incredibly enjoyable. Another notable stat from this game: Bill Walton scored five points off the bench for Boston in his final in-game appearance in Dallas. Rest easy, big man.

Celtics at Mavs (December 29th, 1988)

The Mavs blew out the Celtics for the first time a few days after Christmas ’88, notching a 131-115 home win. Ro Blackman scored 32 points on exactly zero three-point attempts, Sam Perkins had 21 and 14, and Roy Tarpley tallied 19 and 11 off the bench; in a related note, some south Dallas cocaine dealer likely had a record evening. Larry Bird didn’t play as his back and feet were starting to betray him around this time, but Kevin McHale did Kevin McHale things, posting 29 and 10 in 41 minutes. The Mavs’ record sat at 17-9 after this win but they would proceed to lose the next seven straight on the way to a sub-.500 season and first round playoff exit, just one year after taking the Lakers to a 7th game in the Western Conference Finals.

 Mavs at Celtics (February 28th, 1990)

The team’s first meeting of the ‘90s took place at the Garden in late winter, and saw the Celtics pick up a 111-98 win. Derek Harper had 30 points and eight assists for the Mavs, and Roy Tarpley notched a double-double (12 points, 14 boards), but Dallas couldn’t overcome an aging Boston squad that could still turn back the clock on the right night. The Snow from Terre Haute had 31/12/5, and Reggie Lewis chipped in 16/9/5. Lewis was one of a couple tragic figures in Celtics’ lore from this era, as he and Len Bias both died way too young. Bias, of course, died of a cocaine overdose just days after being drafted by the Celts in 1986, and a sudden cardiac episode took Lewis in July of 1993 at the age of 27. I joke about a lot of shit here, but young folks dying ain’t one of them. Rest in peace, gentleman; you’re both missed.

Mavs at Celtics (March 1st, 1992)

The final game that Larry Joe Bird played against the Dallas Mavericks occurred late in the ’92 season at the Garden, a 101-91 Celtic victory. Despite his back being more fucked up than Boston traffic during the Big Dig, Bird went for 26/13/9, and chipped in two steals as well. There’s a lot of intriguing “What Ifs” in sports history, but “What if Larry Bird’s back would have help up in the back half of his career?” is up there. He notched three MVPs and three rings in his first seven seasons, but returned to the Finals just once from ’87-’92. Dude is a legend, and a baller, and gifted us the greatest White Trash Mustache in the history of Caucasians, and for those reasons he’ll always be held in high esteem here at Arm Side Fun. 

Celtics at Mavs (December 15th, 1994)

Both teams were unrecognizable here in late ’94 relative to their battles in the ‘80s, as Dick Motta’s second tenure as head coach was underway here in Dallas. This was the start of the Three J’s era for the Mavs, as Jim Jackson, Jamal Mashburn, and Jason Kidd brought a renewed hope and energy to the ‘Plex, and games like this 122-113 home win were a big reason why. J Kidd had a double-double (10 points, 10 assists) in just his 19th game as a pro, Mash went for 27/3/6, and Jimmy Jackson dialed up a 40 piece. Also balling out that night: Unofficial Fourth J Popeye Goddamn Jones, who scored 25 and pulled down 20 boards (he also was able to hear a kid trapped in a well screaming for help 12 miles away, and alerted authorities). Unfortunately, this burgeoning Maverick optimism and harmonious basketballing was ultimately undone by a combination of ego, pettiness, jealousy, and Toni Braxton’s non-existent gag reflex. Another Sad Love Song, indeed, folks. 

Mavs at Celtics (February 28th, 2000)

The first Mavs/Celts tilt of the 21st century was also the first time Dirk Nowitzki faced Boston (the two teams didn’t play in Dirk’s rookie year, as there was a lockout that reduced the schedule to 50 games). Dirk scored 26 points on just 15 shots, helping Dallas to a 108-100 win in the Fleet Center. Other interesting tidbits from this particular box score: #70 Dennis Rodman led the Mavs with 16 rebounds; Robert Pack and Steve Nash both had a team-high eight assists for Dallas; future Maverick and multi-time Bankruptcy Court participant Antoine Walker led Boston with 23 points; and there was a total of 29 three-pointers attempted in this entire game between both team, which is just nuts to ponder. A couple months ago Boston played Phoenix and the Celtics, by themselves, made 25 threes on 50 attempts.

Celtics at Mavs (February 22nd, 2001)

A couple of months before the Mavs returned to the postseason and upset the Jazz in the first round of the ’01 playoffs, they beat Boston 98-91 at Reunion Arena. We’re firmly into the Dirk/Steve Nash/Michael Finley Era here, as Dirk had 23 points, Steve Nash racked up 12 dimes, and Mike Finley went for 19/4/7. Shawn Bradley was the most effective and productive version of himself this night, as he scored 14, pulled down nine boards, and blocked four shots. Eddie Najera chipped in 9 and 12 off the bench, and also fought three grizzly bears at halftime. Needless to say, none of the bears survived. Gary Trent got 15 minutes of action off the bench in this one; no word on how many multigenerational trains he and his pops ran that night.

Mavs at Celtics (January 9th, 2006)

About half a year before the ’06 Finals, where Dwayne Wade did Dwyane Wade things and Bennett Salvatore took a Flagrant One shit all over Reunion Tower, the Mavs rolled into Boston and eked out a 104-102 win at the new Garden. Dirk was Dirk, with 26 and 7; Jason Terry went Super Jet and scored 30 points, most of them coming on seven made three-pointers; and Jerry Stackhouse scored 20 points on 13 shots in just over 28 minutes played. If the Mavs would have been able to close out the Heat later that June and win a championship, I think we’d talk about Jerry Stackhouse around these parts the same way we talk about Tyson Chandler or JJ Barrea from the 2011 team. Dude was so good as Dallas’ Sixth Man that year, and had many, many high-quality games like this one. Also of note: I totally forgot Keith Van Horn was a Maverick that year. I guess I shouldn’t have, though, since seemingly every high-profile white guy in the league ends up in Dallas at some point in their career.

Mavs at Celtics (March 23rd, 2007)

The Mavs beat Boston 109-95 at the new Garden, Dallas’ 19th win in 24 games versus the Celtics. Dirk had 20, Jet had 29, and Josh Howard added 19 and 11. The Celtics would acquire Kevin Garnett that summer, ushering in a new era in Beantown, and the Mavericks would…lose to the Warriors in the first round of the playoffs after posting the league’s best record. Sigh. At least the playoff loss to Don Nelson and Baron Davis would help facilitate Dirk and Holger’s trip to the Australian Outback, where they drank a bunch of wine, probably did a healthy amount of hallucinogens, and started Dirk down the path to his 2011 Finals MVP run.

Mavs at Celtics (February 4th, 2011)

The last meeting between these teams in which only one of them had won an NBA Championship took place in the winter of 2011 in Boston, and saw the Mavs pick up a 101-97 win. Both teams were in the upper echelon of NBA squads that year, and this game was a banger. Dirk scored 29 on just 14 shots, Jet chipped in 17 off the bench, Tyson Chandler went for 14/15, and Jason Kidd had 10 points and nine assists as he was back for his second tour of duty in Dallas. Looking at the box score from this one, a couple things stand out: Shaq was on the Celtics’ roster at the time but didn’t dress for this game; former Maverick Marquis Daniels came off the bench for Boston; and Brian Cardinal picked up an assist and a foul in 90 seconds of action. The Janitor, doing Janitor shit. 

Mavs at Celtics (January 4th, 2019)

The only game in which both Dirk and Luka appeared together versus the Celtics was a 114-93 home win for Boston a few days into the new year. Jayson Tatum and Jalen Brown combined for 39 points for the Celts, and I would strongly consider choking the world’s cutest puppy to be able to say that about any game in the upcoming Finals series. Dirk scored zero points on 10 shots in 16 minutes off the bench in this one, as it was becoming increasingly obvious that the end was near for the greatest Mav ever. Luka went for 19/9/4 but, as we’ll soon see, better days versus the Celtics were nigh for the Slovenian Slayer.

Celtics at Mavs (February 23rd, 2021)

Dončić is derived from an ancient Slav term that means “This kid will rip your heart out of your chest, slather it in queso, and eat it right in front of you.” Please watch the entire video, it's spectacular.

Celtics at Mavs (November 6th, 2021)

What, you’ve never made three last-minute daggers versus one of the most storied sports franchises in the same calendar year?

Tool up fellas; time to go get one.

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So much other stuff this week that I’d like to get to, but just don’t have time for: the Edmonton Oilers’ broad with the transcendent rack; NCAA Baseball Super Regionals; red ass old dudes getting butt hurt about so many kids entering the Transfer Portal; Corey Seager doing Corey Seager things for the Rangers; the Cowboys once again buttfucking themselves with superstar contracts; and a bunch of other shit. 

One thing I must address, though: The passing of Larry Allen.

There’s few ‘90s Cowboy’s deaths that could affect me like that of Larry Allen. Troy, Emmit, Playmaker, Bill Bates, Jimmy, maybe Darren Woodson…and that’s it. I fucking adored Larry Allen and am extremely grateful that I got to watch him absolutely maul 300-pound D-lineman like they were toddlers. The fact that he did it with a smile on his face and 2/3 of a can of Copenhagen packed into his lip made it even better. You’ll be missed, 73. If you want to help cheer me up, watch this clip of Larry bench pressing 35% of a ton.

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It's new feature time here at Arm Side Fun: The 221!

What is The 221? I’ve made it pretty clear how much I love “The Wire,” and feel it’s the greatest TV show of all time (a position I’m certainly not the only one to hold).

I don’t write about it a ton, though, ‘cause there are literally thousands of articles, blogs, podcasts, and reviews of the show, many of which I’ve consumed. But I’m doing a rewatch right now (either the 17th or 18th for me; hi, my name is [REDACTED], and I’m an addict), and want to give some thoughts because, well, I can. Not sure if anyone here will be interested in this, but it’s my site so...fuck off, I guess? I dunno. Or just don’t read it. I guess that works, too. Your call.

Mild spoilers, but I’ll try really hard to not outright give any major future plot lines away.

Thoughts on Episode 1 (“The Target”) and Episode 2 (“The Detail”) of Season One

-The Ballad of Snot Boogie is such a good thesis statement for the series as a whole. “Got to. This America, man.” Put that shit on a throw pillow.

-If the show has a main character, it’s Jimmy McNulty. Jimmy is certainly an asshole, and a drunk, and a terrible father/husband, and isn’t nearly as smart as he’d like to believe, but it’s also obvious that he’s not your average limp dick detective. Dude’s got moves, and he and Bunk are a hell of a partnership, adept at both closing H-files and getting SEC Sorority Girl drunk. The way the two are able to read D’Angelo as soft and then finesse him into writing an apology letter to William Gant’s “kids” is such an impressive display of psychological maneuvering. This certainly wasn’t the first or even tenth time Jimmy and Bunk have absolutely worked someone in one of those rooms. We also get the first train track scene between the two, along with Bunk’s epic recounting of him closing out a random mouse, as well as one of his wife’s dress shoes, with his service weapon. 

-I always forget that series creator David Simon didn’t really do handholding with this show. He throws you right into the deep end, introduces you to a ton of characters quickly, and forces you to find a way to not drown. I also forgot how fleshed out a lot of these characters are from the jump. Take Herc and Carv, for instance. Herc is, of course, a mouth-breathing idiot that is almost certainly a cop because he's racist and gets to beat the shit out of people semi-legally. And really, he doesn’t evolve much past that, even in Season 5. But Carv, even though he’s as useless as a third dick right now as a police, at least shows flashes of the guy he’ll become. You can tell he’s not entirely comfortable barking orders at the suspects in the car during the drug bust the first time we see him, like he’s having to make himself be a raging dickhead; he’s playing a part. Also, in the Narcotics squad room, he makes the comment, “Wars end.” That’s a big part of the series' message, that the War on Drugs did exponentially more harm than good, especially to folks in marginalized communities, but “Wars end” is not something a dipshit without a brain says. The tools are clearly there for Carver, it just takes him a minute to figure out how to use them.

-“The Wire” has quite a few LGTBQ characters (the most famous of which we’ll be introduced to in Episode 3) and I always like how they were portrayed with dignity and realism. Take Kima, for instance. She’s a kickass cop, and super smart, and hotter than shit, and extremely likable; she also happens to be a lesbian. It’s not a big deal, and neither are the other queer relationships portrayed.

-Not much Stringer in the first two episodes, but you can tell in his limited screen time how vital a cog he is to the Barksdale operation, and how smart he is. I like how the Jimmy/Stringer cat-and-mouse game starts here in the courtroom with String telling Jimmy, “Fuck you,” but in an entertaining and charismatic way. It’s great, and I think part of the reason Jimmy wants to bury String so badly is that he respects the hell out of him. Game recognize game, and such. Plus, how great is Idris Elba? If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know that dude grew up in Great Britain; you’d think he was born on the corner of Pennsie and Gold.

-Wallace…damn. Such a great character, and the talent of Michael B. Jordan just leaps off the screen; such a dude. We also get our first front-teeth spit from Bodie, something I’ll try to keep count of.

-D’Angelo Barksdale is such a fascinating character. He’s a reluctant participant in the family business; he’s an asshole that threw a couple hot ones at Pooh Blanchard; he’s the guy trying SO HARD to be what others expect him to be that he has little idea of who it is he's supposed to be; he’s clearly very intelligent, but also has a quick temper; he’s a guy with empathy and compassion and, in another life, with different circumstances, would be a great teacher. So many layers, and the foundation of the mentor/mentee relationship he eventually has with Wallace is starting to be laid in these first two episodes.

-I always forget that there’s no Lester in the first episode, and only about 30 seconds of Lester in the second episode. David Simon et al. did a slow burn with Lester’s introduction, and it pays off spectacularly.

-Prez is quite the fuck-up here, isn’t he? If you know what’s coming for Prez in the next few seasons, it’s jarring watching him here be a seemingly irredeemable piece of shit that shows no contrition for his many and varied mistakes.

-I would pay an obscene amount of money for the orange couch from the pit, and I’d replace my wife and I’s bed with it. 

-Poor Bubbles. Some hard times ahead for the West Side's favorite addict, and it starts here with his boy Johnny getting his ass whipped by Bodie and the rest of the crew from The Pit. Bub’s journey is a particularly impactful one to a guy like me, who’s been on an addiction/recovery/sobriety road of his own.

-Brand names for drugs from these episodes: Special K, Yellow Tops, Chronic.

-Funniest line from these episodes: “Ain't no ugly ass white man get his face on no legal motherfuckin’ tender except he president.” (D’Angelo, when he learns that Bubs and Johnny scammed Wallace with the fake $10 bills.)

-In the next batch of episodes: Omar comin’; the greatest crime scene investigation in the history of recorded video; and Cool Lester Smooth drops a Golden Gloves poster, as well as his dick, on the table.

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 Enjoy the Mavs' games this weekend, and I'll see you next week. Don't be an asshole.