may 14th, 2024
Last week I did a Mother’s Day post, and briefly alluded to an idea of doing a power ranking of great MILFS*. After being constantly barraged by readers (read: one guy said it might be cool if I did it), I’ll do it here today with a bit of twist. You guy(s) are relentless.
*Thing I learned this week: WHEN WRITING ABOUT MILFS, DO NOT SEARCH “GREAT MILFS” ON YOUR WORK COMPUTER!!! YOU WILL NOT GET THE RESULTS YOU’RE HOPING FOR!!! THERE WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE QUESTIONS ASKED OF YOU BY SENIOR MANAGEMENT!!!
Here we go: The 10 Greatest TV MILFs of All-Time.
First Five Out:
Gloria Delgado-Pritchett (played by Sofia Vergara on “Modern Family”)
Sophia Vergara is one of the hottest women on the planet, no question, but I’ve literally never seen one second of one episode of “Modern Family,” so Gloria just misses.
Chili Heeler (voiced by Melanie Zanetti on "Bluey")
I’ve been on record as saying that Chili (the mom from “Bluey”) is super-hot, and I stand by that. So is the actress that voices her, Melanie Zanetti. But the beastiality aspects of including her on this list make me squirm, so no Chili.
Dr. Michaela Quinn (played by Jane Seymour on “Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman”)
A smoking hot doctor in frontier times? How does Dr. Quinn not crack the top 10? ‘Cause I never watched the show, and I’d mainly be including her due to Jane Seymour’s legendary performance as the horny mom with the extremely motor-boatable fake hammers in “Wedding Crashers.”
Carol Brady (played by Florence Henderson on “The Brady Bunch”)
She’s like America’s mom, right? And I don’t want to lean too far into Oedipal territory today unless I’ve really got a good reason to.
Sophia Patrillo (played by Estelle Getty on “Golden Girls”)
Excellent character, but I’d need to be at least 60-years old to be able to include her and not feel like a huge creeper.
And now the actual list...
10) Maggie Seaver (played by Joanna Kearns on “Growing Pains”)
I fucking loved “Growing Pains,” and watched it in syndication every day after school in the early ‘90s. Joanna Kearns didn’t always have a ton to do on the show, but being a scalding hot mom with a blood flow-inducing perm was enough for me. What she did exceedingly well as Maggie Seaver was straddle the line of motherly/naughty to perfection. Just a sublime mix of “wholesome, loving mother” and “we’re doing butt stuff tonight.” An absolute all-star MILF, and a great way to lead off this list.
Other notes on “Growing Pains”:
-Should we have seen the Kirk Cameron Christian Nationalist thing coming? I’ll be honest, it caught me by surprise.
-Hot mom typically equals hot daughter, and Carol Seaver (played by Tracey Gold) was no slouch herself. I had a huge crush on her, and was especially drawn to her intelligence, a theme that will repeat itself several times today.
-Remember Boner? There was a character on the show named Boner. His actual name was Richard Milhous Stabone, but his nickname was Boner. I’m not too proud to admit that the first time I cried while watching a TV show was during the episode when Boner enlisted in the Marines. That shit was hard for a young me to watch. And especially hard for Boner. Exponentially hard for Boner. Diamond cutting hard for Boner.
9) Thelma “Mama” Harper (played by Vicki Lawrence from “Mama’s Family”)
Just…hear me out. First off, Thelma is like a 99th percentile hot name; there’s no disputing that, it’s an objective fact. Second, the actress that plays Thelma/Mama, Vicki Lawrence, was quite choice in her day. And third…here’s the thing: I’ve never engaged in any BDSM stuff, and I don’t think I’d enjoy it. However, there is something incredibly intriguing about the idea of a country ass mom with a southern accent and a permed bob, wearing nothing but her apron and her pearls, beating the shit out of me with a rolling pin. Can you picture it? Can you hear it? I sure can, especially the downhome southern colloquialisms. “Boy, them biscuits ain’t gonna tenderize themselves,” she’d say as she crow hops and drills me square in the balls. “Lawd a mercy, if the creek don’t flood, it’s ‘cause Mama ain’t near it,” as she attempts to describe the humidity situation with her lady parts. And, finally, “If there ain’t a fresh set pearls on these collarbones in 30 seconds, I’ma git the switch.”
8) Dr. Beverly Crusher (played by Gates McFadden on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”)
My dad loves all things “Star Trek,” and most Sunday nights in the ‘90s were spent with the two of us watching TNG. Most folks, including my old man, were drawn to the Diana Troi character when it comes to Star Trek knockouts, but I’ve always been partial to Dr. Crusher. The physical stuff is obvious with her, but I’ve always been intensely attracted to intelligence. You see, I’m a fucking moron, and something about a super sexy, super smart gal is such a turn on. I guess that’s why I married who I did, right darlin’? Now…can you wear the blue StarFleet uniform soon? 10 more days and I lose the deposit. Please? Just wear it once. Oh, and also Geordi’s visor.
7) Rebecca Donaldson Katsopolis (played by Lori Loughlin on “Full House”)
Hot aunt, hot co-anchor with Danny Tanner on “Wake Up San Francisco,” hot mom…Rebecca Donaldson Katsopolis filled a lot of shoes on “Full House.” If the impossible were to happen and I found myself hooking up with Aunt Becky, it would be difficult to not shout “Full House” catchphrases the whole time, right? “Have mercy.” “Cut-it-out.” “You’re in big trouble, mister.” Of course, she’d have the final line as I cum 11 seconds in: “How rude.”
6) Lana Kane (voiced by Aisha Tyler on “Archer”)
This one’s for my boy Jay, whom I know loves “Archer.” So do I. If you’ve ever enjoyed reading anything I’ve written, you will, too. Go watch it. Start with “The Honeymooners,” from Season 4, one of the best Lana episodes.
Now…Lana Kane. Holy shit. I’ve had a crush on Aisha Tyler for over two decades, ever since I first saw her on “Talk Soup” and then on “Friends.” She checks all the boxes: Stupid hot, smart, funny, and a bit of an asshole. Just perfect. Also perfect is the character she voices on “Archer”. Lana is a kickass super spy that loves machine gunning bad guys, busting balls, and catching a stray D. The way she became a mother is interesting, if not super ethical: by stealing the sperm that the main character Sterling Archer harvested and froze when he had cancer*. Points for problem solving, I suppose. Aisha plays Lana a little bit more insecure than Ms. Tyler probably is in real life, but she’s still a superspy/dime that can handle a grenade or a set of balls with equal aplomb.
*Episode 9 from Season 2. “Placebo Effect.” As good as “Archer” gets. Terms of EnRampagement…“Show me cock-flavored spit.”...Casa Blumpkin…stoner Archer wanting to hang back and burn one down…Zima passed off as cancer medicine...just superb.
5) Melanie Morris (played by Melody Rogers on “Saved by the Bell”)
I know Kelly, and Jesse, and Lisa, and even Tori get a lot of the run when it comes to “Saved by the Bell” gals, but give me the grown-ups. Miss Bliss for sure, but as far as moms go, it’s Mrs. Morris, every time. She didn’t show up in a ton of episodes, but the one where Zach and the gang get fake IDs to get into The Attic, an 18-and-up club, is a real showcase for Melanie. Things Mrs. Morris does in the this episode: 1) Wear the shit out them jeans. 2) Go to a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert and buy her son a poster, which should spectacularly complement the one Zach already has of UB40. 3) Show off the world’s hottest, most voluminous perm. 4) Cock block her son with college student Danielle. This was also the episode where Kelly finds out her older boyfriend Jeff is cheating on her, so there are a lot of moving parts to this particular installment. But the parts I’m interested in moving reside in those hot ass mom jeans of Mrs. Melanie Morris, aka Zach’s Mom, aka the Baddest Bitch in Bayside.
4) Wonder Woman (played by Lynda Carter on “Wonder Woman”)
A little bit of a cheat, as the character played by Lynda Carter in the “Wonder Woman” show that ran from ‘76-’79 wasn’t a mother. However, the comic book character Wonder Woman/Diana Prince absolutely has children, so I’m counting it. And dude: IT’S LYNDA CARTER!!! Look at that picture. Goddamn perfection. You ever wonder what it’d be like to hook up with Lynda Carter as Wonder Woman? ‘Cause I do. Often. The Lasso of Truth would be prominently involved. She’d throw it around my neck, gently but firmly tighten it, and ask, “How long you think you can last, slugger?” I would answer, “Negative nine seconds. Towel, please.” It’d be so hot.
3) Claire Huxtable (played by Phylicia Rashad on “The Cosby Show”)
I know I labeled Carol Brady as America’s Mom earlier, and for a lot of folks she is. But if you’re in your early 40s like I am, then that title almost certainly belongs to Claire Huxtable. Mother to Sandra, Denise, Theo, Vanessa, and Rudy, Claire was the epitome of grace, style, sophistication, elegance, and ‘80s MILFdom. Yet another entry on this list just as much for her brains as her looks, Claire was a lawyer* on the “The Cosby Show,” and oftentimes its moral compass. Which, I mean, sure…you don’t want Bill being your North Star on matters of ethics and right/wrong, y’know? I loved “The Cosby Show,” I loved both Phylicia as Claire, and the only reason she isn’t higher is because she willingly chose to be the wife of Ahmad Rashad for several years.
*One of my favorite lawyer jokes: “What was the horny attorney known for?” “Billing in six-inch increments.”
2) Topanga Matthews (played by Danielle Fishel on “Girl Meets World”)
Please turn your attention to the accompanying image, and the inspiration for this list. Danielle Fishel just turned 43-years-old, and to celebrate she took part in the sexiest, MILFiest, titties-outingest photoshoot of all time for Maxim magazine. HO-LEE SHITBALLS Topanga is fire. Of course, like every other teenage boy at the time, I had a crush on Topanga during the “Boy Meets World” heyday in the ‘90s, but Mrs. Matthews is the only reason I even watched one second when the “Girl Meets World” reboot premiered a few years ago. Little known fact about the character’s name: “Topanga” is apparently derived from an archaic Portuguese verb that means “to instantly deplete ball sacks.” I love learning stuff.
1) Tami Taylor (played by Connie Britton on “Friday Night Lights”)
A nuclear hot coach’s wife with breathtaking cans? Yeah, Tami Taylor is the runaway choice for the top spot on this list. The utter beauty and sexiness of Mrs. Coach Taylor speak for themselves, but once again the intelligence angle really helps here. She was a principal, a counselor, and when the series ended the Dean of Admissions at Braemore College in Philadelphia. Which, y’know, fuck the Eagles, but still.
Here’s what really solidifies Tami as the MILFingest of all the TV MILFS, though: She’s a GREAT coach’s wife. I coached at the high school level for many years, and it’s hard to overstate how important a good coach's wife is to the endeavor. Not only is she super supportive of Eric’s career and his ambition, but she’s willing to chip in to help at a moment’s notice (see: the episode where she feeds 100 people on like eight minutes notice), and she totally understands that being a male coach essentially means being a surrogate dad to dozens of kids.
There’s another aspect in play here, too: I’m pretty sure Tami knows ball. Would anybody be shocked if Mrs. Taylor could take the marker, get on the whiteboard, and draw up how to block Power to a 2i and a 5? Or coach up a slot receiver on where to sit down on Mesh against a soft Cover 2? Or teach a DB how to track a hip? I certainly wouldn’t. She’d be great at those things, all while being the hottest mom in the country, and then she’d come home, drink two glasses of Moscato, and absolutely fuck you in half. You’re the best, Tami, and we here at Arm Side Fun thank you for your many contributions to the TV MILF zeitgeist.
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Coaches Corner:
Since a coach’s wife took the top spot in the power ranking, let’s keep our focus on the profession. For the rest of today’s edition, we'll turn our attention to an unavoidable part of coaching: Horseshit clichés. If you’ve played sports for more than three minutes of your life, you’ve heard them. Let’s go through some of them and deconstruct why there are not only wrong, but absurdly ridiculous.
“There’s no ‘I’ in team.”
Yes, thank you Doctor. There is no ‘I’ in the word team, that is indisputable. You know what does contain many, many “I’s,” though? The phrase, “I wish I could set on fire to the idiot that came up with this drivel. I wish I could then pour gasoline on them, and then maybe I would engage in some light necro.” This isn’t a bad message, but just say what you mean: “Winning games in team sports is hard, but it gets a bit easier when you’re not being a selfish cunt.” Sure, it doesn’t flow as well, or fit on a t-shirt in 36-point font, but it’s much more eloquent and vivid, yes?
“We’re only as strong as our weakest link.”
Yeah, well, if that’s true then so is the inverse: “We’re only as weak as our strongest link.” So how about you just get ‘em in the weight room, coach ‘em up, and fuck all this talk about links. Actually, wait…hold on…gimme a sec…still typing…there it is. If you find yourself saying this phrase often, here’s a useful link.
“You gotta want it more than them.”
Sage advice, Coach Asshat. And so applicable to real life, too! You know why I didn’t get that job I interviewed for? DIDN’T WANT IT BAD ENOUGH!!! Why did my wife leave me? DIDN’T WANT HER BAD ENOUGH!!! Why did grandma die? HER WANTING SKILLS WERE DOGSHIT COMPARED TO CANCER’S!!!
“You gotta give 110%,” says the 23-year-old middle school basketball coach that also teaches 7th grade math. Fuck, people are stupid.
“Hard work beats talent any day.”
Yeah, no; this might be the most asinine one. Work as hard as you want, sport, but I’ve got a defensive end that’s 6’5”, 270 pounds, runs a 4.6, chews glass for fun, and swallows offensive lineman whole. He’s a freak of nature, a specimen that’s perfectly adapted to hunting and murdering quarterbacks. Dude skips class, pops pills, drinks beer, and goes 30% at practice. He ingests 8500 calories worth of McDonald’s, Sour Patch Kids, and Dr. Pepper daily. And you know what? It doesn’t matter. He’ll still dominate every time because superior DNA always wins. There might be a guy out there that can slow my guy down, but guess who it ain’t? Your 5’10”, 180-pound, right tackle that is a “grinder” and a “workhorse” and “would run through a brick wall.” Your guy might be going through a wall, hoss, but only because my guy put him there.
“The only place success comes before work is the dictionary.”
Hey, look, it’s coaching luminary Noah Fucking Webster chiming in with some absolute horseshit! Let’s see, what else comes before “success” in Coach Webster's book? “Fucking ridiculous.” “Stupid goddamn saying.” “Hackneyed rubbish.” “Just die, please.” “Eat a dick, smart guy.” You know what success looks like to me? Fitting an unabridged Oxford dictionary into the peehole of the moron that coined this gem. Sideways. Y’know, ‘cause sideways comes before success…
“Next man up.”
In professional sports? Yes, this idea works. Even in high-level college sports, it usually works. But in high school sports? When the next man up is a mouth-breathing idiot with a BMI higher than his IQ whose dad has all eight laser discs of the seminal 1991 porn series “Eatin’ Ain’t Cheatin’” and almost has enough Marlboro Miles for a “sweet ass dirt bike?” Nah, we’re losing if that motherfucker plays.
“He’s got ice-water in his veins.”
No, coach, that’s a shit ton of gas station Delta-8 and Mountain Dew Pitch Black you’re seeing, not ice water. He needs medical attention, quickly.
“We’re just a bunch of gym rats.”
Nah, but do you coach a buncha kids whose home lives are so shitty they don’t wanna leave campus. If my mom was a 39-year-old stripper that huffed paint thinner for breakfast, I’d probably rather run the three-man-weave for hours at a time, too.
“It ain’t Xs and Os, it’s Jimmies and Joes.”
Hey, finally! One that doesn’t suck! You know what makes a great coach? Great players. Period. Sure, there are some guys that can squeeze blood from a stone and turn a bunch of ragtag future truck drivers into a winning unit, but not many. If there’s a coach out there winning ballgames consistently, it’s because he has more talented and athletic kids than his opponents. If the teams are fairly even as far as athleticism goes then stuff like scheme, play-calling, discipline, conditioning, and resiliency matter more, but make no mistake: IT’S THE BULLET, NOT THE SHOOTER!!!
Oh, shit, did I just coin a new one? I guess I just wanted it more.
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Thanks for reading. I’ve been in a light-to-moderate existential funk the last couple weeks, hence the reduced output. My bad. Working on it.
Get at me via the emails at armsidefun@gmail.com. I’m on Twitter at @ArmSideFun.
Go Mavs. Go Stars. Go World Series Champion Texas Rangers. Go…sign your franchise superduperstars, Cowboys, before they cost more than all of Jerry’s illegitimate kids combined.
I’m out. Don’t be an asshole.
