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-I went on a cruise, which I didn’t hate! I know, I’m as surprised as anyone. Before I left, I wrote that I was curious to see whether I made the Top 10 list of “Horniest People on a Cruise” and I can tell you, emphatically, that I did not. Cruises are SUPER horny, and every time my wife and I were at the pool it felt like we were an exposed nipple away from a disgustingly hot group fuck breaking out. On an unrelated note, if you see a tall, pasty white dude with B-Cup titties a 37-degree bend in his dick in the latest episode of “Brazzers Presents: Port Holes,” it’s totally not me.

-Something I learned very quickly upon boarding the boat: The cruise industry is decidedly pro-cigarette. THERE WAS SO MUCH HEAT BEING BURNED ON THIS BOAT!!! There was only one designated spot for smokers, but it was massive and routinely filled with folks choking down darts at all hours. My wife and I typically went to breakfast around 7:00 AM, ‘cause we’re old and lame as fuck, and we’d walk by no less than 20 smokers chainin’ the shit out of some Parliaments; one dude even had one of those fancy cigarette holders, like he was the goddamn Penguin or something. It was quite a sight to behold and, as someone who has a robust respect for those that will spark a gary on the reg, a very spiritually uplifting experience.

-While I was on the cruise, all the Jim Schlossnagle/Texas/TAMU stuff happened, and I have thoughts. MANY THOUGHTS. Too many for this format, but I’ll soon have something about that whole ordeal. The best news from all of it, though: Horns/Aggies is so fucking back, and just in time. Apropos of nothing: How long do you have to wait before making jokes about a tragedy? A quarter century seems about right, yeah? Since the moratorium on a certain topic won’t expire for a few months, I’ll share my soon-to-be second favorite TAMU joke: Two Aggies were walking together when they see a dog pleasuring itself. The first Aggie said, “Boy, that looks like fun, doesn’t it?” The second one said, “Shit yeah, it’s fun. Ya gotta be careful with that sumbitch, though, the first two times I tried it he bit me.”

-We got off the boat in Costa Maya, Mexico, and viewed the Mayan ruins located there. That was fine, and enjoyable, and I always dig learning about culture from the days of yore, but…WE COULD HAVE GONE TO A LIVE LUCHA LIBRE WRESTLING SHOW IN MEXICO!!! That was one of the options for our few hours in Costa Maya, and my wife, smartly, didn’t even mention that to me. Why was that smart? Because not only would I have insisted that we go, but I definitely woulda jumped into the ring in the middle of a match and either: A) gotten arrested in Mexico as a super handsome white dude; or B) garnered the attention of the local promoter and been invited to tour with them, undoubtedly becoming a gringo lucha legend under the ring name Milk Máscaras. Either way, the result would have been mucho ass sex for this guy.

-We had to stay in the Houston area before and after the cruise. I know that part of the world has been hammered with all manners of extreme weather lately, so I’ll try to say this as gently as I can: Motherfuck Houston. It sucks so bad. How shitty is the greater Houston area? It’s like if the cities of Garland and Rio Vista had a giant, sprawling, bastard child of a city with an IQ of 17 that has that ever present trail of upper lip sweat most white trash folks have. It’s fucking brutal. On the plus side, I did get to see Jose Altuvé at AstroWorld; I knew it was him when he walked under the turnstile.

-A few days after returning from the cruise, my wife and kids accompanied me on a trip to the Hoover, Alabama, area for a baseball tournament the team I’m coaching this summer played in. Hoover and the surrounding area are beautiful, kind of like a cross between the Hill Country and east Texas, and I’m pretty sure if we’d have stayed a few more days my wife would have sold our house in Texas and bought one out there. Really cool place. Just down the road from Hoover is Tuscaloosa, home of the University of Alabama, so we took a lap around Bryant-Denny Stadium on our way home. It was cool to see so much history, such as the luxury suite where Mike Price first fucked a 40-something stripper, the locker room stall where Derrick Henry was given his first sack of money with a dollar sign on it, and the place on the sidelines where Bear Bryant was standing the first time he called a player the n-word. Such a rich and enduring legacy. Oh, shit, I almost forgot my favorite part: At a bookstore near the stadium, they have a bunch of stuff from “Forrest Gump.” The item that got me fired up the most was Forrest’s bed; I even took a picture with it. You know the bed I’m talking about, right? It’s the one where Jenny gave him AIDS.

-I applied for, interviewed for, and was turned down for multiple teaching and coaching jobs in the DFW area. It’s almost as if folks are leery of hiring a guy whose teaching certificate got suspended for a year ‘cause he was stealing a Schedule I controlled substance from a co-worker. What kind of racist bullshit is that? One funny thing did come out of the interviews, though. One district told me that stealing and ingesting drugs not prescribed to me was not the reason they couldn’t hire me, but rather because “you stole and ingested drugs around kids.” Brilliant case work, detective, as I worked at a fucking high school the entire time. Whatever. It’s not like the stress and anxiety and frustration of not being able to land a teaching/coaching gig is causing a prolonged existential crisis, crippling depression, and stabbing chest pains.

-NCAA Football 2025 came out last week, but I haven’t had a chance to play it yet. I will soon, though, because I firmly believe I was a Top 100 player in the world at NCAA Football 2002. I fucking loved that game, and I miss it. I’d run a ton of split back veer with Nebraska, and with Eric Crouch at quarterback, Judd Davies at fullback, and Dahrran Diedrick and Thunder Collins at running back, I would dominate any hapless fool who dared play me. I really wish online gaming would have been a bigger thing back then, ‘cause I could go. I guess that’s what happens when you play 77 seasons of a dynasty over the course of six months. I know I’ll get curb stomped in the new game by a 12-year-old with hypertension and 82% body fat, but I’ve gotta get a few runs in, just for old times’ sake. I might even simultaneously string along my ex-girlfriend into thinking we’re about to get back together in order to keep ropin’ steady loads, just to give it that authentic early ‘00s feel.

-On the roadie to Alabama we listened to a ton of Taylor Swift, as my wife is a big fan, I like most of her stuff, and we have a six-year-old daughter that LOVES her. When you listen to a lot of her music in a short period, you start to understand why she’s so popular. I don’t think she’s an uber talented musician or singer, but where she excels is in her songwriting. Specifically, she does an exemplary job of coming across as super horny, but also classy and respectful. It’s an impressive balancing act, like dressing up like a slutty Mother Theresa for Halloween, but somehow, she pulls it off. I think one of the other things working in her favor is that she’s hot, but she’s not nuclear hot. She doesn’t sniff peak Britney Spears, or Janet Jackson, or Dua Lipa, or any of the other impossibly gorgeous pop stars, but that’s not a bad thing. I’m a coach by trade so I think of it like this: If Taylor Swift showed up to a game I was coaching and I found out she was the mother of one of the kids on my team, I’d text my buddies about how I’m laying eyes on the hottest mom I’ve ever seen. She has a tremendous amount of Hot Mom energy, and I think that makes her even more appealing than if she looked like late ‘90s Jennifer Lopez, ‘cause you see her and think, “I might actually have a chance with her.” You don’t, but the illusion that you do is really intoxicating. While we’re here, a Travis Kelce-centric joke: Why did Taylor Swift not get voted to the Pro Bowl as a tight end? Because she took too many reps as a slot receiver. That’s fucking gold, and I won’t hear otherwise.

July 23rd, 2024

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