may 3rd, 2024

It’s New Feature Friday here at Arm Side Fun. What does that mean? Kindly read on, sir or madam…

New Feature #1: The Marinade!!!

What is the Marinade? It’s when my stupid brain buttfucks me and I can’t think of anything interesting to write about. These are ideas that I’ve been stewing on, but can’t quite figure out. It’s basically the equivalent of a mental enema for me, and as fun as an actual enema for you. Did I sell that good enough? Hell yes I did. Let’s cleanse this bitch…

***I thought I had a gem of an idea, until it came time to actually write it. I was going to pen a bunch of limericks and have everybody guess which ‘80s/’90s movie it’s referring to. There’s a good idea there somewhere, but I got three lines into one about “Dumb and Dumber” and said “Fuck it.” It’s at these times when I kind of miss drinking, ‘cause I know three Natty Lights would have me knocking out paragraphs like Hank Thoreau. Unfortunately I don’t drink anymore, ‘cause it typically leads to civil disobedience. Don’t scoff, that’s a transcendent(alist) joke.

***Was going to do a pronunciation guide to hard-to-say Texas towns like Mexia and Refugio. Then I was going to do a dictionary-style entry for each one. Something like:

Burnet (burn-it)

noun: easily one of the top 100 cities on Highway 281 between Lampasas and Marble Falls

verb: to unceremoniously discard after rendered syphilitic

”I really miss my dick; after hooking up with a girl from the Hill Country I had to Burnet off.”

It’s definitely premise funny, but not every town lends itself to the above sophomoric and venereal hilarity the way Burnet does. Well, maybe Balmorhea. But the rest...eh. This might have legs, I just need to workshop it some more. Feel free to send me yours at armsidefun@gmail.com.

***Honest-to-god playlist ideas I kicked around that went nowhere: ‘90s Hip-Hop (been done to death); Songs to Sing in the Shower (basically karaoke, which has been done); MILF Hunter Mix (not even sure what this means; a lot of Bret Michaels and Usher, probably?); Skinemax Bangers (dumb); Carny Mix (what?); Best Songs to Get High To (glorifying/celebrating drug use, which is a no); Barnyard Bops (what the fuck?); Songs Perfect for 3:00 AM in the Passenger Seat of Some Girl’s F-250 in Pittsburgh, Kansas (way too niche); Cleat Chaser Classics (no way that one’s an actual idea); MySpace Stalker Mix (okay, you’re obviously making these up now); Wine ‘Em, Dine ‘Em, 69 ‘Em (nobody has ever unironically said those words in that order); Best Ditties ‘Bout Titties (you’re reaching); Kickass Church Songs (N/A, apart from “Old Rugged Cross”); and Those Steamy Cleveland Nights (goddamnit). I need some ideas, folks, or I swear to Christ I’m doing the Carny Mix. Let me know what you got on Twitter @ArmSideFun.

***A few ideas that I thought about for exactly .3 seconds and immediately shut down: Super-Hot but Offensive Porno Mag Names (“Grayed and Splayed” is the tamest of the ones I’m comfortable sharing); 10 Reasons Why I’m Getting a Chief Wahoo Tattoo; a Kentucky Derby preview that involved all of the horses breaking their legs and getting put down; May the 5th Be With You, a list of the most inappropriate shit Star Wars characters would say after drinking a bottle of vodka (like Yoda slurring, “MMM, check out her Endor plumbing, I’d like to.”); 12 Reasons Aaron Rodgers May Be Right; Paternity Suit Parcheesi featuring Jerral Wayne Jones, Sr.; power ranking of the 10 sexiest dinosaurs; FMK with O.J. Simpson, Aaron Hernandez, and Rae Carruth; and The Turkish Bathhouse, where I would…actually, I think I’ll keep that one under my towel.

***I love the show “True Detective,” and a power ranking of the best lines in the series would be a lot of fun to write, I’m pretty sure. “All that dick swagger you roll, and you can’t spot crazy pussy?” is the line that got me thinking about this. It’s said by Rust to Marty in Episode 4 of Season 1, right after Marty’s wife leaves him for hooking up with a court clerk named Lisa, played by the impossibly sexy Alexandria Daddario. If you’ve seen Episode 2 of Season 1, you know exactly what I’m talking about; if you haven’t seen it, it’s very apropos that Ms. Daddario has triple-Ds in her last name. There’s a ton of dynamite contained in “True Detective,” and not just in Season 1. I’m gonna come back to this one, I just didn’t have time to give it its proper attention this week.

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New Feature #2: It’s the Coach’s Corner!!!

I’m a longtime baseball coach, and a lot of the folks that read the site are coaches as well. If you’re not interested in coaching or education, then feel free to skip this section.

I had a parent of a team I’m coaching ask me recently to give her the elevator pitch of my baseball coaching philosophy. That’s an easy one, folks: I’m teaching young men the game of life through the game of baseball. I’ve coached many sports, and I truly feel that baseball is the one that can best prepare a young person for the rigors of adulthood. The three main reasons are:

1) You must be able to make adjustments and readjustments.

Baseball is really hard, and one of the things that makes it so hard is that each situation is unique, based on things like who you’re playing, what the score is, which inning it is, what the weather’s like, what the umpires are like, where you’re at in your season, who’s injured, who’s pitching, who’s hitting, etc. There’s a ton of variables in a baseball game—way too many to try to account for beforehand—and all you can do is try to be prepared as much as possible to be either proactive or reactive, depending on the situation. Is there a more perfect encapsulation of what it’s like to be a grown-up/employee/spouse/parent? Every day in this world you’re gonna have to find a way to get some shit done, regardless of the circumstances; to diagnose and problem solve in real time. The folks best at this are typically the ones that are successful in this world, and having to find a way to barrel up a guy throwing 92 in the 6th inning of tie game is a great way to simulate that.

2) You must be able to handle failure.

Baseball is HARD to be good at; really fucking hard. Hitting a baseball on the barrel is quite literally the hardest thing to do in all of sports, and getting guys out on the mound isn’t that far behind it. A baseball player is going to fail—multiple times—every time they step on the field. Every game, every inning, sometimes every pitch. You’re GOING to fuck up out there; it’s a matter of when, not if. Here’s what really matters: How will you handle it? Will you own it, learn from it, and move on to the next play? Or will you pout, feel sorry for yourself, think about it long after the mistake is made, and let one fuckup turn into two or three? That shit can snowball quickly, and you’ve got to be able to compartmentalize and turn the page during a game/series/season. Life is even harder than baseball, and will punch you square in the dick at times; what will your response be? ‘Cause if you let it, life will run-rule the shit out of you.

3) You must be able to handle success.

This one might be even more important than handling failure, because success on the field FEELS SO GOOD! Hitting a bases loaded oppo double…sawing a hitter off and getting a double play ball…throwing a dude out by ten feet at the plate…going 1st-to-3rd on a base hit to left…getting that squeeze bunt down…BEING A BIG REASON YOUR TEAM WIN A BIG GAME!!! It’s the best, and can be intoxicating. How will you handle it? Will you show up your opponent? Will you show up the umpires or even your own teammates? Will you make it about you? ‘Cause that’s really easy to do at times. It feels good to feel good, and there’s nothing on this planet that will make you feel better than excelling on the baseball field. You can have fun, you can celebrate your successes, you can even pimp a big home run or strikeout…but what are you really here for? Are we here to find a way to help our brothers win a game we all love, or are we here to glorify ourselves? I’m a guy that knows first-hand what happens when it becomes all about you, and I can promise that you don’t want to be the guy that abuses drugs for years and ends up in rehab with his career in shambles.

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New Feature #3-Dad Stuff!!!

-My daughter peed the bed one night this week. Which is fine, right? It happens. It happens when you’re 6, it happens when you’re 65, it happens when you’re 22 and drink way too much Keystone Light; whatever, it’s not a big deal. What is a big deal, though, is when you don’t tell anyone you peed the bed. Then you go to kindergarten as the pee kid, and your bedroom smells like a locker room ‘cause said pee spent all day fully saturating the mattress. So gross.

-As you might be able to imagine from reading this, I curse quite a bit. I’m not proud of it, per se, but I’m not ashamed of it either. It’s just how I talk after spending a majority of my life in either locker rooms or coaches’ offices. I curse a lot around my kids, and of course they try to emulate me. I typically shut that down pretty quickly (not because I’m a hypocrite, but because there are words grown-ups get to use because they know how to use them and when NOT to use them), but sometimes my son will sneak one in and crack me up. We were driving to baseball practice this week, and he asked to listen to “8 Mile” by Eminem. Yeah, it’s got a few words in it not super appropriate for kids, but it’s a good song and he likes it, so I put it on. We listen to it, and afterwards he looks at me and says, “That’s such good shit, dad.” He said it exactly the way I would have said it, too. Cadence, delivery, everything. All I could do was laugh and tell him I agree. It is, in fact, good shit.

-I love my kids, right? Like, a lot. I even like them most of the time. But the neighborhood kids? Some of those motherfuckers wear me out. I won’t go too deeply into specifics, ‘cause I’m not sure who all reads this and I don’t always do a good job of disguising my identity, but Jesus Christ, folks. Teach your fucking kids that coming into my house and heading straight into my pantry and crushing eight packs of fruit snacks is not cool. Also, that’s my house. I’m not gonna put a shirt on just ‘cause your kid is over there. Not only am I proud of the kickass Dad Bod I’ve developed, but my wife keeps the thermostat at roughly 111 degrees, so it’s hotter than shit in there, okay? I don’t wanna hear your 8-year-old say, “My daddy puts a shirt on when people come over.” Yeah, maybe, but your daddy also has a receding hairline a la Steve Austin in the early ‘90s, has the WORST Cowboys’ takes of all-time, and works six days a week because he clearly hates being married to your mom. I promise the next time my fruit snack stash gets pilfered I’m saying that shit out loud.

-My dad’s birthday was this week. He turned 69, and I’m proud to say I didn’t make one single reference to that fact. He’s a great dude, and a kickass dad, and I love him. Our relationship went through typical dad/son ups and downs when I was a teenager, but nowadays things between us are great. He’s supportive, loving, caring, and an excellent granddad, and I’m so grateful for his presence in my life and my family’s life. I’m 10,000% certain he doesn’t read this, and wouldn’t do so even if he knew it existed, but I love you, dad. Like noted father Drake said once, “The square root of 69 is 8 something…” Damnit, almost made it.

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Sorry for the format change, but I had to purge some these ideas. I’ll be back early next week with…something? Surely inspiration will strike between now and then, right?

Again, email me at ArmSideFun@gmail.com. Find me at Twitter at @ArmSideFun. What kind of hijinks can you expect from me on Twitter? Take a look:

may 3rd, 2024

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