may 21st, 2024

Mavs. Stars. Fuck. Yes.

Both teams are in the conference finals in the same year for the first time ever. When something like that happens, it’s damn sure gonna be celebrated around these parts.

Let’s get right to it. Today is all about power ranking the most personally memorable DFW conference championship/league championship games from the last 30 years (a totally arbitrary number/threshold that has nothing to do with a certain local team's inability to win multiple games in a postseason for three decades). 

10) 2000 NHL Western Conference Finals, Game Five (Colorado Avalanche at Dallas Stars, 5/23/00) 

I’m not a huge hockey guy, but I do thoroughly enjoy watching the Dallas Stars in the playoffs. A lot of folks will tell you that the NHL playoffs are the best of all the Big Four leagues' postseasons, and they may be right. I don’t know enough about hockey nor have enough time to watch the Stars in the regular season the way I do the Mavs and Rangers, but come April/May/June, I’m all in. I remember this game very well, because it took place a few days before I graduated high school. Me and some buddies watched it together, and there may or may not have been some underage drinking taking place. We had a great time, and it was made even better when Joe Nieuwendyk scored the game-winner less than eight minutes into overtime. The Stars would go on to win the series in seven games, then lose to Martin Brodeur and the New Jersey Devils in a fantastic seven-game series in the Stanley Cup Finals. 

9) 2023 ALCS, Game One (Rangers at Astros, 10/15/23)

Evan Motherfucking Carter. Sure, it’s not great that he’s essentially a platoon player two months into his first full MLB season, but that’ll sort itself out. And even if it doesn’t, he made maybe the most impressive play in franchise history when you consider the stakes, the situation, the difficulty level, and the opponent.

Bottom of the 8th. 2-0 Ranger lead. Some Houstonian asshole’s emotional support gnome wandered onto the field wearing a miniature Astros’ helmet and…hold on…checking the tape…one second...shit, that’s Jose Altuve. My bad. So he’s at first base, no outs. Aroldis Chapman is on the mound, and Alex Bregman is at the plate. (Quick aside: Alex Bregman is supremely talented and has been a vital piece of a team that’s collected two Commissioner’s Trophies in the last few years, but he also has the most punchable face of any human I’ve ever seen. And he’s an Astro. Fuck that guy.) It was a 2-1 count and…

…you know what? Just watch the video. It’s awesome. A dude that some folks in the baseball scouting community hadn’t even heard of when he was taken in the 2nd round of the draft, and 3+ years later he’s making THAT play in THAT spot in an LCS against his team’s biggest rival. I fucking love baseball, and stories/plays like this are a big reason why. 

8) 1994 NFC Championship Game (Cowboys at 49ers, 1/15/95)

I do get tired of hearing/reading/rehashing all the rhetoric about the Cowboys’ postseason struggles, but here’s the bottom line: They’ve played in two NFC Championship games in the last 30 years, and zero in the last 28 years. It sucks, and it’s hyper frustrating that all we can do now is hate-watch the games out of habit and remember the good ol’ days. All the while, Jerry is rapidly morphing into the Crypt Keeper, Stephen is proving to be a failson on par with Kendall Roy, and at this point the Cowboys have taken more years off my life than drugs, alcohol, and high fructose corn syrup combined. Whatever. The Cowboys are the one debilitating addiction I’ll never be able to kick, and I’ve come to terms with that. Heavy sigh.

You remember this game? ‘Cause I do. 7th grade. My family went to a Lutheran church, and in the Lutheran church you attend what’s called Confirmation in the 7th and 8th grades. Confirmation is how the church gets youngsters ready for grifting them out of 10% of their annual income adult membership, and consists of a two-hour class once a week during the school year. There’s also an essay to be written (they call it a “devotional,” but trust me, it’s just a shittily written expository essay), and some other stuff. 

Whatever, that’s not important. What matters here is that our Confirmation class got invited to a church member’s house to watch this game, and I foolishly said yes. I knew better. Even at that age, I preferred to watch Cowboy games by myself, because that’s the best way for me to do it. I can cuss, yell, scream, cheer, throw shit, and not bother anyone else while doing so. It’s really the best way. But I said yes, went over there around 2:30, and things were fine…until the game started. Here’s a rough transcript of how I handled the first few minutes of game action:

-Eric Davis returns a Troy Aikman interception 44 yards for a touchdown one minute into the game: “Lotta ballgame left, no problem. Gotta score to win. We’re fine. God is good.”

-Tim McDonald recovers a Michael Irvin fumble on the very next Cowboys’ drive: 

(laughing nervously) “That’s not great, is it? Should we pray or something?”

-Ricky Watters scores on a 29-yard pass from Steve Young to give San Francisco a 14-0 lead: (laughing exponentially more nervously) “Maybe we should change the fifth commandment to ‘Thou shalt not commit multiple turnovers in the first quarter of big games,’ huh? Does anyone know how to do that? Is there an official form we need to fill out? What’s the process? If we need one, my mom’s a notary; she can be here in 10 minutes.”

-Kevin Williams fumbles the ensuing kickoff return, recovered by the 49ers: 

(laughing maniacally as the right side of my face starts to involuntarily spasm) “Ha-ha, this is less than ideal, yeah? Should we take communion? Anyone up for a rally wafer? But no, seriously, where do you keep your wine?”

-William Floyd scores on a 1-yard touchdown run to give San Francisco a 21-0 lead less than five minutes into the game: “WHAT THE ACTUAL SHIT?!? THERE IS NO GOD. STEVE YOUNG, GO SOAK YOURSELF YOU MORMON FUCK!!!”

No, I didn’t really say the last one. But I did curse at one point, and I remember 20 people looking at me like I just took a shit on the coffee table. Whatever. Christianity is your religion, and the Cowboys are mine. The one thing they have in common: they’re both centered around stridently believing in things that will never, ever happen.  

7) 2011 ALCS, Game One (Tigers at Rangers, 10/8/11)

The only game on this list that I attended, Game One of the 2011 ALCS was a well-played ballgame between two very extremely talented and evenly matched teams. Justin Verlander pitched for the Tigers, and was very average relative his Hall of Game norm, giving up three earned in just 4.0 innings pitched. Nelson Cruz hit a home run on a 2-0 Verlander fastball in the 4th inning that landed just west of Mesquite, and the Rangers had a 3-0 lead after four. But the combination of Rick Porcello, Phil Coke, and Ryan Perry held the Rangers scoreless the rest of the way, and a couple doubles and a wild pitch in the 5th allowed Detroit to score two runs. Alexi Ogando got the win after pitching two scoreless frames for Texas, as this was right in the middle of the three-week run where dude was a combination of Goose Gossage, Armando Benitez, and Zeus out of the bullpen. Rookie Neftali Feliz nailed down the save by striking out three straight after allowing a bunt single to start the 9th. It was loud, it was awesome, and it is close to the most fun I’ve ever had at a ballgame. 

6) 1995 NFC Championship Game (Packers at Cowboys, 1/14/96)

When I was in the 8th grade, the Dallas Cowboys beat the Green Bay Packers 38-27 in the last NFC Championship Game appearance for America’s Team. This was a really good ball game, one that was far from a gimme for the Cowboys. I remember the Playmaker having a couple of touchdowns in this one, and I remember Emmitt doing Emmitt things. I also remember Barry Switzer and Dave Campo splitting a quart of moonshine and getting into a fist fight with Crazy Ray. Or maybe that was a fever dream I had after chasing a handle of Jim Beam with some Valium after the playoff loss to the Seahawks in ’06. 

Regardless, it’s now been over 10,000 days since the ‘Boys have been back on this particular stage. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go hunt down the pair of scissors Michael Irvin stabbed Everett McIver with and jab them into my carotid artery. 

5) 2023 ALCS, Game Six (Rangers at Astros, 10/22/23)

I went back and forth on whether to include Game Six or Game Seven of the ’23 ALCS, and ultimately landed on this one for a couple reasons: 1) Game Seven ended up being a blowout, as the Rangers led 8-2 after four innings and coasted to a series-clinching 11-4 win; and 2) Adolis Garcia’s grand slam in the 9th inning of Game Six that turned a field goal lead for Texas into a touchdown advantage. I love everything about Adolis Garcia, and to watch him absolutely blister a line drive into the Crawford Boxes at 113 miles per hour with the bases loaded after donning the Golden Sombrero and then watching hordes of Astros’ fans bolt for the exits .3 seconds after it landed was just…cathartic. Beautiful. Moving. Inspiring. There were so many great moments from the Rangers’ run to the 2023 World Series championship, but this one might have been the most spiritually satisfying as a life-long fan.

4) 1999 NHL Western Conference Finals, Game Seven (Colorado Avalanche at Dallas Stars, 6/4/99)

The 1999 WCF between the Stars and Avs was a banger that saw the Stars fall behind three games to two after a 7-5 loss in Game Five. Dallas won consecutive games by a margin of 4-1 to clinch the series, though, and Game Seven was a bit of a laugher. Two Mike Keane second period goals gave the Stars a 3-0 lead, and a Jere Lehtinen goal early in the 3rd period all but ended it for Colorado. The Stars moved on the Stanley Cup Finals, where they beat the Sabres on a Game Six goal in the 3rd overtime from Brett Hull that folks in northern New York are still bitching about. Do they have a point that he was in the crease? Maybe. Should the goal have been overturned? Possibly. Do Brett, Mike Modano, Eddie Balfour, Jaime Langenbrunner, et al. have their names on the Cup? Abso-goddamn-lutely.

 3) 2011 ALCS, Game Two (Tigers at Rangers, 10/10/23)

Anyone know how many walkoff grand slams have been hit in the postseason in modern MLB history (1900-present)? Exactly one, by Nelson Cruz in the 11th inning of Game Two of the ’11 ALCS. When it comes to Nelly, it's easy to think about him not catching the 27th out of Game Six of the World Series a couple weeks later, but try to remember that Texas likely doesn’t sniff the Series with Saint Louis if Nelly doesn’t go full Barry Bonds against the Tigers in the LCS. To wit: In two 11th inning at-bats in the series, Mr. Cruz was 2-for-2 with two home runs and seven RBI. Overall in the series, he hit six home runs, had 13 RBI, and slugged 1.273. Dude was a straight up assassin that week versus Detroit, and that’s how I’ll choose to remember him.

2) 2006 NBA Western Conference Finals, Game Five (Phoenix Suns at Dallas Mavericks, 6/1/06)

This could very easily be the second game on this list I attended, as I was offered tickets by one of my buddies. I couldn’t go, though, because I was trying to finish college in less than six years, and to do so needed to write a paper that same night. It was for what the school I went to called a Maymester, where you could essentially cram a semester-long course into two weeks in late May/early June and get full credit. It was a great option for desperate dipshits like me, who failed a class that was literally called “Multimedia and Computers for Beginners” because of “health reasons” (too hungover to attend the final), thus preventing me from graduating. 

My plan for the night was as follows: Snort a wheelbarrow’s worth of Adderall before tip-off, drink 27 Modelos during the game, have a little Percocet for dessert, then knock out the paper after the game. It was a fool-proof plan, one that I’d executed a few times prior, but it was somewhat thwarted by an artificially buxom young lass (if you’re from Johnson County, that means a gal with big ol’ fake titties). She showed up unannounced during the 4th quarter, and we finished watching the game. The Mavs won to go up 3-2 in the series, Dirk polished off a 50 burger, and all was well. Of course, as you’ve probably gleaned, this young lady wasn’t there to listen to me break down how important Jerry Stackhouse was to the Mavs’ operation (although that for sure happened), so we made sex with each other. 

Dear reader, are you familiar with the combined effects that amphetamine, alcohol, and opiates have on the human body? There’s a lot of them, but one of the main ones is that you can last impossibly long during sex. Like, stupid long. Driving from El Paso to Marshall on I-20 long. “War and Peace” long. Dirk Diggler’s unit long. Just needlessly long. Sounds cool, right? No, it sucks. The first half hour is cool, but then it just becomes a chore, to the point where you might fake blowing a load just so you can go pee (allegedly). This wasn’t one of those nights, though. After a big Mavs' win I was not in the mood for a participation trophy, so I plowed ahead (pun 1000% intended) and kept on truckin’ towards Ropesville. And truckin’…and truckin’…and truckin’…and truckin’…and…nothin’. Damnit, is this gonna happen? What it is gonna take? 

I can’t remember whose idea it was to put on the VHS of the 2006 Rose Bowl between Texas and USC, but about the time Michael Huff stopped Lindale White on 4th and inches, I finally crossed the goal line. (Did she cum too? Of course not, as the female orgasm is a preposterous myth.) We then collapsed in a sweaty, dehydrated, sticky pile of substance abuse, sex brew, and toxic mid-20s decision making, right as the sun was coming up. I got about three hours of sleep, kept loudly farting until she took the hint and left, took a 30-minute shower, smoked a bowl, drank two beers, and knocked out the paper in about 45 minutes. What I wrote was utter horseshit, but good enough to earn a D in the class and, ultimately, my degree. In barely more than half a decade!

1) 2010 ALCS, Game Six (Yankees at Rangers, 10/10/23)

I really wanted to put the Mavs or Stars here since this week is all about them, but I couldn’t. Beating the Yankees to clinch the first American League pennant in franchise history is really hard to overcome, but maybe Luka or Miro can do something to top it in the next few days.

Things about this game and series that I forgot about until checking out the game log: 

-Colby Lewis absolutely carved. I remembered him being the winning pitcher, but I forgot just how insanely good Cobra was. 8.0 innings pitched, three hits, one earned, seven punches in a pennant-clinching start against the goddamn Yankees. That line, against that team, in that spot, is prettier than 99% of all sunsets. Just sublime.

-Kerry Wood pitched in this game for the Yankees. The former Grand Prairie Gopher allowed one earned in 2.0 innings of relief of Game Six. At this point in his career, the 5th overall pick from the ’95 draft was a reliever, and I remembered him being a Yankee that year, but I didn’t remember him being so good for them. He came over from Cleveland at the trade deadline, totaled 26.0 regular season innings pitched, allowed just two runs on 14 hits, and struck out 31. Mr. Wood was always one of my favorites, and he’s got to be near the top of any “Which Pitcher Would Have Had the Best Career If Not for Injuries?” list.

-There’s one player that appeared in this game that’s still active. It’s David Robertson, who pitched 1/3 of an inning in relief for the Yankees. 14 years later DR now pitches for the Rangers, and still looks like he’s stuffed a discus into the back of each of his socks; bro’s calves are legendary. 

-Game time was two hours and 57 minutes. You could have made of lot money off me betting the over/under of three hours for a 2010 postseason game that featured seven runs and six pitchers. I love the new pace of play rules, but maybe things weren’t always as slow as we remember them?

-Josh Hamilton was intentionally walked three times in this game. I don’t think it’s hyperbole to say that Hambone is near the top of the list of Most Naturally Gifted Ballplayers ever. Barry Bonds, Willie Mays, Mickey Mantle, A-Rod, Lou Gehrig, Hank Aaron, Rickey Henderson, Ken Griffey Jr., Mike Trout, Stan Musial, Ted Williams, Mike Schmidt, Johnny Bench, Shohei Ohtani, Babe Ruth…in terms of just sheer physical ability and the tools necessary to succeed at the game, Josh is not out of place amongst those names. Dude could literally do anything on the field when healthy and sober, and watching him at the peak of his powers from ’08-’12 was such a treat. 

-Lance Berkman started this game for the Yankees. He came over to New York from Houston in a midseason trade and got 12 at-bats in the 2010 postseason for the Bombers. Lance would of course factor very prominently in the outcome of the 2011 World Series as a member of the Cardinals, as his 10th inning, two-out, two-RBI single off Darren Oliver in Game Six gave David Freese a chance to hit his walk-off bomb in the 11th. Heaviest of sighs.

-Bengie Molina was the Rangers’ starting catcher in this game. If you don’t like Bengie Molina, you’re incapable of experiencing joy. Remember that time he was a triple shy of the cycle in Boston and this happened?

-Ian Kinsler, as usual, balled out. Nelly led the team offensively in this series, getting on base at a .419 clip and slugging .875. Who was second in both categories? Kins. His OBP versus the Yankees was .409, and he slugged .658. I know it’s easy to remember the infield pop-ups and bad body language, but Ian Kinsler is 5th all-time in Rangers’ history in WAR, behind only Buddy Bell, Adrian Beltre, Rafael Palmeiro, and Pudge. Dude was really good; sometimes I forget how good.

Things about this game and series I’ll never forget no matter how old or dementia-riddled my brain gets:

-Neftali Feliz punching A-Rod on a slider looking to end the series. I’ve watched it literally thousands of times, and it still amps me up. So fucking good. 

Enjoy watching the games the next several days. This is very likely the best that the overall Metroplex pro sports' scene has ever been, and I intend to fully enjoy it. Go Mavs, go Stars and go crazy for DFW's finest. 

And don't be an asshole...unless Alex Bregman shows up wherever you're at.