April 18th, 2024

Today’s Playlist: Birthday Set

An extended playlist this week, as my wife turns 40 on April 20th. I’m an extremely lucky man, and still can’t believe that THAT woman wants to hang out with me each day. I married way up, I don’t deserve her, she completely outpaces me in every way, and I just hope today’s not the day she wises up and decides to shut this thing down. In honor of the classiest and sexiest dame I know, a playlist with a song that charted from each year she’s been alive.

1984: Stuck On You (Lionel Richie)

1985: Heaven (Bryan Adams)

1986: I Want Your Sex (George Michael)

1987: Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now (Starship)

1988: Need You Tonight (INXS)

1989: Hangin’ Tough (New Kids on the Block)-“I Want Your Sex” needs no explanation, right? This one might, though. As has been well documented here at Arm Side Fun, a couple years ago I did a monthlong stint at a drug rehabilitation facility after resigning from a great job because I was stealing prescription drugs from a co-worker. As you can likely imagine, that’s a day in my life I’ll never forget, for several reasons. One on the main ones is that, through her anger, hurt, and feelings of betrayal, my wife somehow found the grace to tell me this as she dropped me off at rehab: “Get clean, and you can come home.” I did, and I did. It hasn’t been easy, but we’ve figured out what life in recovery looks like, both as a couple and as parents, and I can honestly say I’ve never been happier about our relationship. Are there shitty days? Yes. Of course. Is it stressful as fuck being a mother of two and married to an addict in recovery? A million percent yes, and then some. But she’s still hanging in there, battling her ass off for her husband and her kids, long after most folks would have cut bait. My wife’s a lot of things, but scared to do some shit that’s hard ain’t one of them. When it comes to being a kickass life partner, my old lady’s definitely got The Right Stuff.

1990: I’ll Be Your Shelter (Taylor Dayne)

1991: I Wanna Sex You Up (Color Me Badd)

1992: Baby Got Back (Sir Mix-a-Lot)

1993: Can’t Help Falling in Love (UB40)

1994: Said I Loved You...But I Lied (Michael Bolton)-As a lover of late-20th century pop music, Mike Judge content, and wispy moo-lays, I routinely celebrate Mr. Bolton’s entire catalogue. This song, however, really sums up the feelings I have for Mrs. Arm Side Fun. When you’ve been through some of the shit that we’ve been through together, the way you feel about someone graduates from “Yeah, she’s cool,” to “Damn, I wanna marry this broad,” to “OH MY GOD I CAN’T DO LIFE WITHOUT THIS PERSON!” pretty quickly. I firmly believe that the only true unconditional love that exists is that from a parent/guardian figure to a child, but there’s definitely a tier between “regular love” and “unconditional love.” You guys cool if we call that tier the Bolton Zone? My feelings for my bride reside firmly in the BZ, and are as rich and layered as the harmonies on Mr. Bolton’s many classics. I mean, That’s What Love Is All About, right?

1995: Always (Bon Jovi)

1996: Twisted (Keith Sweat)

1997: Truly Madly Deeply (Savage Garden)

1998: How Deep Is Your Love (Dru Hill)

1999: Back That Azz Up (Juvenile)-There’s a super sexy elephant in the room that needs to be addressed, and now is as good a time as any: My wife is a first ballot White Girl Ass Hall of Famer. Not only is she first ballot, she’s in the first class of inductees; she’s the Christy Mathewson of PAWGs. It’s just a phenomenal unit, and I’m not gonna pretend it’s not. Her junk ain’t the first reason I love her, but its ranking on that list is way closer to #1 than it is to #100. I mean, looks do matter, right? They just do. It’s not the most important thing, but it’s certainly AN important thing, and my wife is the perfect combination of sexy, gorgeous, and curvy. You think I’d pretend that her ass doesn’t play a part in all of that? Ha.

2000: Amazed (Lone Star)

2001: Hanging by a Moment (Lifehouse)

2002: U Got It Bad (Usher)

2003: ’03 Bonnie and Clyde (Jay-Z feat. Beyonce)

2004: The Reason (Hoobastank)

2005: Lovers and Friends (Lil Jon feat. Usher and Ludacris)

2006: You’re Beautiful (James Blunt)

2007: LoveStoned (Justin Timberlake)

2008: Tattoo (Jordin Sparks)

2009: Right Round (Flo Rida)-This was the number one song in the country when I met my future wife. It was at a college baseball game on a Sunday morning, and we drank mimosas in the parking lot, crushed breakfast tacos, and pitched washers. In retrospect, I should’ve known it was a wrap right then. It would take us a few months to hard launch, but once we did it was quickly apparent that this was the real deal. In fact, the night I asked her out for the first time, I told her, “You know what’s gonna happen, right? We’ll go out this week, then we’ll date, then we’ll probably get married or some shit.” She shrugged, said, “Okay,” and 15 years later I’ll be goddamned if I didn’t call it. By the way, did you know Flo Rida isn’t that dude’s real name? It’s Tramar Dillard. But see, he’s from the state of Florida, and if you split up the word “Florida” after the “o,” you get Flo Rida. Very clever, Tramar. Your music sucks, but my wife does look stellar in Apple Bottom Jeans.

2010: Your Love is My Drug (Kesha)

2011: Just the Way You Are (Bruno Mars)

2012: It Girl (Jason Derulo)

2013: Hold On, We’re Going Home (Drake)

2014: Happy (Pharrell Williams)-2014 was an especially happy year for us, as we became parents for the first time. If you’re a parent, you know there’s literally nothing to compare it to. It’s awesome, it’s terrifying, it’s confusing, it’s hard, it’s all the things, but I hit the jackpot as far as baby mamas go. She’s a terrific and caring mother, and she and I love our two kids very much. Are they dipshits? Certainly, but all kids are. They’re my favorite people in the world,

though, and watching them grow up and seeing how our family dynamic has evolved is easily the best thing I have going right now. And I ain’t Frontin’.

2015: Like a Wrecking Ball (Eric Church)

2016: Pillowtalk (Zayn)

2017: Body Like a Backroad (Sam Hunt)

2018: Love (Kendrick Lamar feat. Zacari)

2019: Shallow (Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper)

2020: WAP (Cardi B feat. Megan Thee Stallion)

2021: Glad You Exist (Dan + Shay)

2022: Fancy Like (Walker Hayes; this song is objectively terrible, but she enjoys it.)

2023: She Had Me at Tails Carolina (Cole Swindell)

2024: Better Place (N*SYNC)-I’m pretty sure this song is about your best gal cumming, but it plays here. My life is in an infinitely better place in 2024 than in any year since I’ve met my wife, and she’s the main reason why. When you get sober, especially at a rehab facility, one of the main things you’re told is that you must do it for yourself; you can’t do it for anyone else, even your kids. That was a problem for me, as I’ve never been a big fan of myself. I don’t particularly like me, and still don’t get why folks do, so this was a big obstacle for me to overcome. What finally got me there was understanding that I’d have to be the best version of myself if I wanted to be the best husband and father possible. Am I great at either? Some days, sure; some days, no. But I’m able to have a chance to be good at both, every day, ‘cause I’m not high or drunk or detoxing or lying about money or stealing or doing any of the other shit I used to pull. My wife is the best person I know, and she deserves the best that I have to offer. 

Oh, right, I need another N*SYNC song here. Um...how about Digital Get Down? Is the song about sex via webcam a good one to end on? If so, sweetheart, my AOL screenname is

SugarShaft69. Happy Birthday. I love you.

________________________________________________________________________________________

If we’re not adapting and evolving, we’re dying, right? Or something like that, I’m not an animal scientist guy. I do know that you can’t be afraid to try new things and, in that spirit, I present brand-new endeavor here at Arm Side Fun: Cheers and Jeers!

You remember newspapers, right? They were a pretty big deal for a while, and enabled folks to read daily about events from all over the world. Then the internet happened, and I’m pretty sure the only newspapers still being printed on paper are the New York Times, the Washington Post, and the Beef Curtain Courier. Growing up I was a HUGE newspaper kid, and there’s quite

a bit about the daily printed newspaper that I miss. I miss the smell of ink on cheaply pulped wood. I miss doing crossword puzzles with a pen. I miss reading about Dallas Cowboys’ Super Bowl wins. I miss the “Transactions” section from the sports page, where you would learn that Quinnipiac University recently hired an assistant squash coach. I miss reading the funny

pages, especially “The Far Side” and “Calvin and Hobbes.” I miss advice columns like “Ann Landers,” “Dear Abby,” “Hints from Heloise,” and “Miss Manners.” I miss the ads for titty clubs, liquor stores, and tug joints that use to run in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram before it became a “family newspaper.” And I definitely miss “Cheers and Jeers.”

“Cheers and Jeers” was a section that usually ran on the weekend, and the basic premise was that folks could write into the paper and submit either a Cheer (“Cheers to the young man that helped an elderly lady cross the street at Main and Belknap last Tuesday.”) or a Jeer (“Jeers to whomever hit a kid and an old lady with their truck at Main and Belknap last Tuesday. You

knocked the tennis balls clean off her walker.”). I loved “Cheers and Jeers,” and thought I’d run it back. So, for the first time ever, it’s the Arm Side Fun Cheers and Jeers.

Cheers and Jeers (for April 12th-19th):

Cheers to Luka Dončić, who has shaved off all of his facial hair ahead of the Mavs’ first round playoff series with the Los Angeles Clippers. Either one of two things is in play here. The first is that a slimmed-down Luka is feeling good about himself and wants to finally slay the Clippers in the playoffs with a smooth face. The more likely scenario, though, is that Luka shaved in order to grow a playoff beard, which should fucking terrify the rest of league. Luka is unguardable as is; if he’s able to grow a couple weeks’ worth of neck beard we might see him go for 80-30-

30. Game one is this Sunday in LA. Prediction? Mavs by a whisker.

Jeers to the dude responsible for deciding that playing five baseball games in one day is something 14-year-old kids should do. You changed what should have been a manageable, two-day/five game tournament into a one-day affair, and it sucked. You also had the wisdom and foresight to pay the same two dudes (one of whom wore ear buds the entire time) $50 a game to umpire seven games in row, while not even considering having someone rake, water, or drag the field at any point. You’re clearly not interested in the future of the game, and do not give two shits about things like arm health and player safety. In fact, the only conclusion I can come to about why you did this is that you’ve got a stake in a UCL Replacement/Tommy John surgery clinic. Eat a gamey, under seasoned dick, please sir. Also know your cheap ass plastic rings suck,

even by youth baseball standards, and that I’m 99% sure I went collarbone deep in your

step-sister back in ’05.

Cheers to Tax Day word play! The deadline for filing federal income tax returns was a couple days ago, and I’ve got a couple jokes for you. “Why does the volleyball

player not have to pay taxes? All her income was net.” “Why is the accountant so pessimistic? It’s accrual world.” “What’s the motto for accountants in the army? Be audit you can be.” I borrowed those, but what I can come up with on the fly? Let’s see, tax stuff, tax stuff, tax

stuff...ooh, okay. “What’s it called when an accountant gets a labiaplasty? A below-the-line deduction.” Eh, I’ve seen worse. I also came up with an idea for a hybrid CPA/Brazilian hair removal business called Taxin’ & Waxin’. As you can see, most tax jokes are dependent

on puns.

Jeers to Father Time. Dude is undefeated and untied, and is proving so again with Tiger Woods. The 15-time major winner and 5-time winner of the Masters looked not only human this past weekend at Augusta, but old as fuck. He was able to make the cut, fortunately, but then carded scores of 82 and 77 on the weekend. Past that, though, he’s losing his hair, sweating his dick off after playing two holes, and is wearing shirts so cheaply made they make the new MLB Fanatics jerseys look like Egyptian cotton sheets. You know what Tiger needs, right? It’s so obvious: He’s gotta uncage Horny Tiger and start prowling C-level eateries for box again. If

Eldrick is in the mix at the U.S. Open in a couple months, you’ll know that he’s back to smashing his 7-wood into the fairway bunker of every skank waitress he comes across. I’m talking Perkin’s, Waffle House, Denny’s, Country Kitchen, Owen’s, Golden Corral...it’ll once again be a buffet of stellar iron play and questionably sourced trim for one of the greatest to ever swing a D(river).

Cheers to Donald Trump for being the first former U.S. President to face a criminal trial! A goddamn trail blazer, he is. I know it can get confusing trying to keep up, so which Trump trial are we talking about here? Let's see...this is the one where he’s accused of falsifying internal records kept by his company to hide the true nature of the hush money paid to Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, two women Donald Trump is not married to but had sex with. Wait a second, isn’t that adultery? And isn’t adultery one of them commandment dealies that Christians are always going on and on about? Y’know, for a guy that has cheated on his three wives repeatedly, been accused of sexual assault multiple times, and called one the books of the New Testament “Two Corinthians,” this dude sure seems to have a ton of support from white evangelicals in this country. It’s almost as if those folks are giant, gaping, prolapsed, hypocritical assholes or something.

Jeers to Insomnia. It’s by far the worst of my Post Acute Withdrawal Symptoms (PAWS) from long term opioid abuse, and it’s a bitch. I still have to take some fairly potent medication to be able to sleep at night, and even then, I rarely get more than six straight hours. Lately it’s been really bad, probably because of the stress and anxiety being caused by my two-year sobriety anniversary coming up. Insomnia, please fuck all the way off.

Cheers to Anne Sullivan, who was born on April 14th, 1866. I got a lot of feedback on a Helen Keller joke I made last week, ranging from “fucking hilarious” to “please never communicate with me again,” so I thought a follow-up this week would be appropriate. Sullivan was Keller’s teacher, and also a lifelong companion of Keller; the two even taught together for many years.

Sullivan was partially blind, but I’m sure glad I’m not. Ol’ Anne’s a looker, yeah (that's her at the top of the post? I wouldn’t mind workin’ her miracle.

Jeers to dying in April. Some famous folks have passed in the fourth month of the

year, including William Shakespeare, Abraham Lincoln, Franklin Delano Roosevelt,

Albert Einstein, Margaret Thatcher, Martin Luther King, Jr., Mark Twain, Pablo Picasso,

Roger Ebert, and Prince. Quite a list of luminaires, especially Bill Shakespeare and Abe

Lincoln. Wait, wasn’t it Shakespeare himself that wrote the famous poem about

Lincoln? You remember learning it in school, right? “Abraham Lincoln was a good old

man”...then there was something about a window, maybe? I dunno, I don’t read the

classics like I should.

________________________________________________________________________________________

The email is armsidefun@gmail.com. The social media accounts are...coming? Probably? TBD.

Thanks for reading. Being able to vomit all of the shit from my brain onto the screen is the therapy I never I knew I needed, and I really appreciate you checking it out. Tell somebody you love that you love them, enjoy 4/20 if you indulge, and don’t be an asshole.