April 11th, 2024

Did you hear about the eclipse? Yeah, a full solar eclipse happened this week, and where I live it got dark at like 1:40 in the afternoon. Do you understand how life-changing this eclipse was? Like, it got dark in the afternoon. IT CAUSED THE THING THAT LITERALLY HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE DAY TO OCCUR A FEW HOURS EARLIER THAN USUAL!!! AND IT LASTED FOR A MATTER OF MINUTES!!! HOLY TITS!!! Sorry, my bad. I can be a bit cynical about stupid horseshit that doesn’t affect my existence, but I don’t want to undersell how big a deal this was to some. Folks booked flights, hotels, rental cars, etc. and traveled far, far away from home, all for three minutes of underwhelming action in the dark. Wait, was I doing eclipse talk, or describing my wife’s experience on our honeymoon? 

Today’s Playlist: I Love Ladies from the ‘80s

I’m talking ladies from the decade of the 1980s, not super-hot octogenarians; those days are behind me. Specifically, I’m talking love songs by super talented gals from the greatest pop culture decade ever.

All I Wanna Do is Make Love to You (Heart)-How talented are the Wilson sisters, Ann and Nancy? Just a sublime duo that was able to adapt, evolve, and stay relevant for a long time. Heart started out as a hard rock act and scored hits with songs like “Magic Man,” “Crazy on You,” and “Barracuda.” Then a couple changes to the lineup and the dawn of the ‘80s ushered in an era of power ballads like “Alone,” “What About Love,” “These Dreams,” and this classic about picking up a dude in the rain, raw doggin’ him in a cheap motel room, giving birth to his child, and hiding that fact from him because you were married to a sterile cuck the whole time. Win-win for the dude, if we’re shootin’ straight.

Smooth Operator (Sade)-Can you imagine how strong your dick game must be in order to inspire a young lady to write a song named “Smooth Operator” about you? I cannot. Interesting idea, though: What would a song about me that rhymes with “Smooth Operator” be entitled? “Bad Sex Creator?” “Girl Orgasm Hater?” “Where’s My Vibrator?” Ooh, I know: “Prejaculator.” That’s the one. “He’s a prejaculator/Preeeeee…jaculator.”

Total Eclipse of the Heart (Bonnie Tyler)-A bit on the nose this week, perhaps, but still an excellent song. Have you seen the video, though?  A complete shitshow of cocaine-induced absurdity, in the best possible way, it almost defies description. Best I can tell, the main character is a 30-year-old woman that’s working at an all-boys boarding school, but the boys’ eyes are mirrors instead of regular eyes and they’re super into “Children of the Corn” cosplay. There’s also a cadre of ninjas, some doves, dudes in loincloths, dudes in football shoulder pads with no jerseys underneath, dudes in studded leather jackets, and some sort of hyper competitive fencing competition. Just go watch it. It’s pure, uncut, ‘80s chaos.

Wild Heart (Stevie Nicks)-My dad has about an hour-long drive to and from work each day, a commute he’s made for nearly 35 years. While making these treks, he primarily listens to traditional talk radio (WBAP, if you’re familiar with DFW stations). He knew his wife and kids wouldn’t care for the ramblings of aggrieved white dudes, though, so he smartly kept a few different cassette tapes in the car to listen to when we were with him. The three artists that I remember the most are Don Henley, Wilson Phillips, and Stevie Nicks. The titular track from Ms. Nick’s second solo album, this song reminds me of being chauffeured to various Tarrant County-based youth sporting events in a Chrysler minivan. Good times, those were. Love you, dad. 

Open Your Heart (Madonna)-If there’s an ‘80s mix on a device of mine, there’s a 1000% chance that Madonna will be featured. She’s simply one of the most talented artists of all time, and she also starred in the movie “Vision Quest.” If you’ve never seen “Vision Quest,” kindly stop what you’re doing and go watch it right now. If you’re into ‘80s shit, you’ll LOVE “Vision Quest.” Louden Swain for President.

I Get Weak (Belinda Carlisle)-Belinda Carlisle was the second girl I had a crush on based solely on her hot ass voice (the first was Helen Keller). The former lead vocalist of the Go-Go’s, Carlisle struck out on her own and scored big hits in the mid-‘80s with “Mad About You,” “Circle in the Sand,” “Heaven Is a Place on Earth,” and this mammoth banger. You couldn’t listen to an adult contemporary radio station from ’85-’89 for more than twenty minutes without hearing something from Ms. Carlise, and her voice was incredible. So incredible, in fact, that seven-year-old me just knew she was super sexy, even though I’d never seen a picture of her. I was right, of course. Belinda’s also a success story in the addiction/sobriety/recovery world, as she was finally able to kick a three-decade cocaine habit when she was in her 40s. Well done, ma’am. Keep truckin’.

What’s Love Got to Do with It (Tina Turner)-I’ve always loved “Can we please fuck, like right now?” songs. The best of these, like Tina’s smash from 1984, are ones that sound all classy, like the narrator is making heartfelt pleas for lovemaking, intimacy, a soft touch, and other made-up nonsense. But what they’re really talking about is at least two folks making a huge mess on the couch. A “Please, just throw those cushions away,” type of mess. An epic, multi-liter mess that warps the floorboards. So gross. So hot. 

Listen to Your Heart (Roxette)-So Roxette is technically a Swedish male/female duo, but I’m counting it because the vocals for this song are performed exclusively by Marie Fredricksson. Did you know that Roxette is the second best-selling act from Sweden after ABBA? Good shit. Here’s something else l know about Roxette: when peer-to-peer file sharing programs like Napster, Kazaa, and Limewire came about in the early 2000s, this is one of the first songs I “borrowed.”

Take My Breath Away (Berlin)-Famously from the “Top Gun” soundtrack, “Take My Breath Away” is just a phenomenal piece of pop culture. The scene in “Top Gun” where Maverick and Charlie first hook up is really, really well done, and it introduced elementary-aged me to the concept of tongue kissing (fingers crossed I’ll get to try it out some day!). Scientology is definitely a cult that’s ruined many lives, and I can’t condone the choices TC has made on that front, but goddamn that dude is good at movies. Acting, producing, stunts, bonin’ down Kelly McGillis…kid’s got range. 

Wind Beneath My Wings (Bette Midler)-This song was likely written as a traditional love song, but its chorus is a bit ambiguous, and can be interpreted in a few different ways. One interpretation is that it’s about loved ones that have passed, and when I hear Ms. Midler’s classic I think of my grandparents. For those of you fortunate enough to have grown up having an involved and caring set of grandparents, do y’all remember how insanely much you loved them? It was stupid, right? They were probably your favorite folks in the world.

My grandmother (mom’s mom) died when I was seven and this song was played at her funeral. That whole day wrecked me, and this song was a big reason why. Then a few years later, when I was 12, my grandpa (mom’s dad) died*. Me and him were super close, and he was quite literally my favorite person on the entire planet, so you can imagine how this affected 6th grade me. This song was played at his funeral as well, and it once again wrecked me. Due to all that, I can’t listen to this magnificent song without being instantly transported back into those moments, as a child confronting death, grief, and loss.

Obviously, the three plus decades of life experience I’ve gained since then (especially becoming a parent) has changed my perspective on the relationship I had with my grandparents, and how I feel about their death. I’m grateful I got seven years with both of them, and another five years with just him. I’m grateful that my own kids have the type of relationship with their grandparents like I had with mine. Most of all, I’m grateful for the memories, the moments, and the continued opportunity to make them proud of me. I know they’d be disappointed in a ton of the decisions I’ve made over the years, but I’ve little doubt that they’d both be very happy if they could see the son, brother, coach, husband, father, and man I’ve become. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go out to my truck so the whole office doesn’t see and hear me ugly cry.

*Both died of cancer. Violently choke on the saltiest part of my taint, cancer.

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Okay, that ugly cry sesh lasted just under four minutes. Normally I’d use this opportunity to make a reference to my sexual inadequacy, but since I just spent a third of a page writing about my beloved grandparents, I’ll demure…

…to allow you to check your watch! What time is it? It’s motherfuckin’ Power Rank Thirty in the fair berg of ArmSideFun!!!

I did this with unique Texas high school mascots a while back (My wife’s reaction: “Ugh. They’re all about jerking off.”), but today let’s turn our attention to dynamite nicknames and mascots in the collegiate ranks. Below are my ten favorite unique and interesting college mascots, from all across the landscape of college athletics. 

10) Williams College Ephs 

Williams College is a private liberal arts university in Williamstown, Massachusetts, that competes in NCAA Division III. Their nickname is the Ephs, but their mascot is a purple cow. I originally included Williams College on this list as an homage to my mother, who adores the shade purple and is also partial to bovines. Then I did a little digging, though, and learned that Ephs (rhymes with “beefs”) is derived from the college’s founder, Ephraim Williams. I think we can all agree on two things here: 1) Not nearly enough motherfuckers are naming their kids Ephraim these days; and 2) I guess the folks in Williamstown are lucky that Ephraim’s cousin Country wasn’t in a college-founding mood back in the 1790s.

9) University of California Santa Cruz Banana Slugs

This is a pretty commonly known eclectic mascot, but it’s still kickass. So kickass, in fact, that I once had a t-shirt featuring this image. Forget about grizzlies, or tigers, or wolverines, or sharks. If we’re talking terrifying mascots, a goddamn Waylon Smithers-looking mollusk with Coke bottle glasses going balls deep in Greek philosophy takes the gold. 

8) Tufts Jumbos

The Tufts College athletic teams, competing in the Division III New England Small College Athletic Conference (NESCAC), are known as the Jumbos, a nod to the famous circus animal that sacrificed his life by jumping in front of a train to save a younger elephant. Jumbo was owned by famed promoter P.T. Barnum, a Tufts trustee and benefactor (read: money guy), and Barnum donated Jumbo’s stuffed hide to the school in 1889. A fire in 1975 destroyed the hide, but the ashes were collected and now reside in a peanut butter jar which is used to this day as a good luck charm for the Jumbos. Division III shit is wild, bro.

7) Trinity College Bantams

Trinity College is another Division III school in the NESCAC, located in Hartford, Connecticut. A bantam is a small variety of fowl and is described as “an independent, spirited, and feisty cock.” Short-tempered lot, it would seem? I guess you’d better tread lightly when dealing with a Trinity Bantam. You started jerking one of them around, and they might blow their top. If you’re not careful, you could be in for a load of trouble.

6) Campbell Fighting Camels

Campbell University is an NCAA Division I school in North Carolina that competes in the Colonial Athletic Association. They’ve been the Fighting Camels since the early 1900s, and their mascot is called Gaylord the Camel. Look, folks, I really do love all of you, and am so grateful for you reading this, but I can’t do all the heavy lifting around here. If you’re unable to toe the line and come up with your own jokes for “Gaylord the Fighting Camel,” then you’re probably in the wrong spot.

5) Austin College Kangaroos

Located in Sherman, Texas, just north of the Metroplex, the Austin College Kangaroos compete in the Division III Southern Collegiate Athletic Conference. Not only are kangaroos objectively badass mascot wise, but a bit of cursory research indicates that Austin College is one of the preeminent liberal arts universities in the country. Gets me to thinking…you see a lot of places described as “liberal arts universities,” but where are the “conservative arts universities?” What would you even call a place like that? Seems like we need a power ranking within a power ranking, folks.

Top 5 Conservative Arts University Names

5) All We Do At This School Is Jerk Off To The 2nd Amendment Tech

4) Woodrow Wilson Academy of Nation Birthing

3) The Reagan Center for Economic Studies 

2) HOMOSEXUALITY IS A SIN! A BLOODY SIN, YA HEAR ME! THERE’S NO WAY TWO DUDES CAN HAVE SEX! HOW WOULD THAT EVEN WORK? NO, REALLY, PLEASE DESCRIBE IT IN SCIENTIFICALLY ACURATE AND VIVID DETAIL! State

1) Liberty University

4) Ottawa University Braves

Ottawa University, an NAIA school from the Kansas Collegiate Athletic Conference, makes this list for two reasons. The first is that I’ve been to Ottawa University and have pitched on their baseball field. Summer of ’01. 5.0 innings pitched, no earned runs, two hits, no walks, almost got a handy that night in some girl’s Nissan…no big deal. ‘Nother day at the yard. The second reason is that, while their nickname is the Braves, the Ottawa mascot is an otter. A river otter, to be specific, as that animal is sacred to the Ottawa Tribe the university gets its name from. Something you may not know about me: I fucking love going to the zoo. My wife and kids and I had season passes to the Fort Worth Zoo for a few years, and it was glorious. I even went by myself once. (Only once, as you get a lot of weird stares when you’re a 6’6” 36-year-old dude chilling by yourself at the zoo. The fanny pack almost certainly didn’t help.) Animals are fascinating to me, and one of my favorites is the otter. The otter’s ability to seamlessly change directions in the water is top of the line, and I could watch them swim for hours. They’re a kickass species, and the zoo is a kickass destination. There’s no joke here. No punchline, no wordplay, no pay off, no puns, nothing. If you’re expecting something like that, why I otter…

3) Pacific Union College Pioneers

Pacific Union College, located in Angwin, California, is an NAIA institution that competes in the California Pacific Conference (CalPac is what the cool kids call it). Their nickname is the Pioneers, and they have a live mascot called Pioneer Pete. He looks just like an old-timey prospector straight out of the 1850’s, and I’ll always have time for that shit. Look at this cat (he's in the image at the top of the post). The suspenders, the giant buttons on the shirt, the beard, the “there’s gold in them thar hills” expression…just perfect. You know what’s really chef’s kiss, though? Playboy’s going double hat. Lid on lid. Not just any lid on top, though. A sombrero. Question: Have you ever seen a prospector pimpin’ the shit out of a sombrero? No, you haven’t. You know why? ‘Cause the prospectors you’ve been hanging out with are a bunch of punk bitches that couldn’t hold Pete’s pickaxe. Probably a good thing Pete’s not an actual person, though. If he really was trying to make his way through the California territory during the Gold Rush, there’s no doubt he’d have died a horrible death from either dysentery, syphilis, or getting shot in the back of the head for pilfering nugs from the mine. Ol’ Pete. 24 Karat dude, that one.

2) Lincoln Memorial University Railsplitters

Lincoln Memorial University is a Division II school in Harrogate, Tennessee, that competes in the Southern Athletic Conference. Phenomenal nickname, and their logo is goddamn Abe Lincoln, top hat and all, plus an axe. Combine that with the term “railsplitter” itself, and you’ve got a buffet of options as far as jokes go. Cocaine jokes, axe wound jokes, Civil War jokes…let’s see, how about a Civil War joke AND an axe wound joke all-in-one? Okay, this might need more workshopping, but let’s try it out: Why did a horny General Sherman cross the road? He was on a march to the C. (Because Union Army General William Tecumseh Sherman made a legendary march to the sea, just about destroying the state of Georgia in the process. “Sea” was replaced here by the letter “C”, which is not only a homophone for “sea”, it also stands for “cunt.” “Cunt” is a euphemism for vagina; so is “axe wound.”) I dunno, it’s not as funny when I have to explain it.

1) Wichita State Shockers

Dude, c’mon. Death, taxes, and Wichita State taking the top spot on this list. The Division I university out of the American Athletic Conference ostensibly derives its nickname from the wheat shocker, a device used as a harvester on the plains of Kansas, but we all know the deal. Just look at that horny son of a bitch. It’s plain as day his favorite thing in the world is slipping two in the coin slot, and one in the balloon knot (with consent, of course). This cat just ADORES throwin’ some knuckles in the love dish, and another in the starfish. I mean, it’s hard to articulate the degree to which bro is all about going wrist deep in Sauron’s Eye, while also exploring her chili pie. He’s clearly all-in on driving some digits in the front, and…

…okay, timeout. I think I’ll stop now. We’re quickly trending in the wrong direction here. Go ahead and add this to the list of shit I’ve done that my grandparents would not be proud of. (I hope?)

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Holy balls, 3000 words already. Boy, time flies when you’re avoiding doing your real job. 

Before I go, I’d like to thank ArmSideFun reader Caden for sending me one of the funniest things I’ve ever read. (I will not be identifying Caden by his last name nor his profession, as he’s an upstanding and highly respected member of his community, and outing him as a reader of this horseshit would almost certainly end all that.) If you’ll recall, last week’s edition contained a section about how current LSU and former Baylor women’s basketball coach Kim Mulkey was super hot back in the day. I came up with a few OnlyFans-style porn site names for Kim, and they were…just okay. Got Mulk? was one. Box and One was another. Meh. Just kinda there. Caden, however, gave birth to this gem: Midrange Muff.

It's goddamn perfect. Just say it out loud, one time. “Midrange Muff.” Specific basketball terminology, alliteration, allusions to a giant bush…it’s got it all. The only downside to this is I’ve got to live the rest of my life knowing that someone else came up with Midrange Muff. We at ArmSideFun thank you for your service, Caden.

Gotta go, bunch of shit to do today. Work, kids, stuff at home. You guys know how it is. Shit, while I’m thinking about it, I just remembered that our neighbors are having a garage sale this weekend. They’re moving soon, and they’re gonna let us try to sell some of our unwanted stuff before we trash it. If anyone needs a set of couch cushions, gently used, I know a guy.

The email is armsidefun@gmail.com.  See you next time. Don’t be an asshole.