march 28th, 2024
The Texas Rangers crack the seal on the 2024 season at home this evening, but it’s no ordinary Opening Day in the fair hamlet of Arlington. For the first time in franchise history, the organization will raise a World Series Championship banner, and that means one thing here at Arm Side Fun: AN ALL-RANGERS EDITION!!! I fucking love the Texas Rangers, and feel like I’ve been living in a five-month long fever dream since Josh Sborz’s 2-2 curveball to Katel Marte nicked the top of the strike zone to secure the final out of Game 5 and clinch a ring for MY TEAM. I’m still not sure it actually happened and may not believe it even when I see the banner in person, but until I’m presented with undisputable evidence that we’re living in some sort of Matrix-type reality and this has all been an elaborate hoax perpetrated by our A.I. overlords (which, if so, dick move fellas), I’m going to choose to believe that it’s real and the little franchise that could will spend the next few months defending its crown.
Today’s Playlist: Texas Rangers (and Texas Rangers’ Adjacent) Bangers
Cotton Eyed Joe (Al Dean & the All-Stars)-If you’ve been to a Rangers’ game, you’ve heard this song. It’s a staple of the Texas Rangers’ experience, and as big a part of the lore of the franchise’s history as Tom Vandergriff, Game Six, Toby Harrah, ballpark nachos (first sold at Arlington Stadium in 1976!), Julio Franco’s Jheri curl, 90-loss seasons, Kenny Rogers’ perfect game, the Dot Race, John the “Haaaaaawt Daaaaaawg” guy, Ron Washington’s three-pack-a-day cigarette habit, Pudge Rodriguez back picks, those kick ass blue satin jackets they use to wear, the stoic leadership of Johnny Oates, Adolis Garcia’s biceps, and Nolan Ryan taking Punk Bitch Robin Ventura (his legal name in these parts) to the woodshed. If you’ve never cut a rug to this song during the 7th inning stretch in the middle of section 313 of The Ballpark in Arlington after drinking 13 Shiner Bocks, we can’t be friends. It’s you, not me; you’re the problem.
I Like Texas (Pat Green)-This song is played after Rangers’ home wins. I’ve thus far been unable to verify exactly when this tradition began, but I’m pretty sure it was circa 1998. If any of you know Chuck Morgan, the legendary longtime Rangers’ PA guy, text him and ask him. Also let him know that if anyone finds a beer can graveyard behind the manual scoreboard in left field at the old ballpark, it definitely wasn’t because me and my buddy were getting shit-housed back there. (Yes, I was officially an employee of the Texas Rangers for five weeks in 2004, responsible for updating the scores on the metal scoreboard at The Ballpark in Arlington, and Chuck Morgan was my boss. It was AWESOME. The best part was that we were set up right next to the visitors’ bullpen, so we could bullshit with those guys. BTW, big league relievers tell the best jokes. An example, from a former Blue Jays righty: What will you never find in Magic Johnson’s trash can? A used condom.)
Deep in the Heart of Texas (June Hershey and Don Swander)-This has become a 5th inning staple of Rangers’ home games. Do you know how big this song was in 1942? It was massive. At one point that year, there were FIVE DIFFERENT VERSIONS of this song on the Billboard charts, with three of those in the Top Ten. The version you’re most likely used to hearing was recorded by Moe Bandy in 1982. It’s also been recorded by music industry luminaries such as Bing Crosby, Gene Autry, Ray Charles, and Harry Brandelius, a Swedish folk singer of note (who recorded the song with a Swedish orchestra). At the height of the song’s popularity during World War II, the BBC (settle down, Mr. Combs, not that BBC; I mean the British Broadcasting Corporation) banned the playing of it during working hours because apparently there were a few factory workers that weren’t able to resist clapping along to its infectious rhythm and were subsequently injured. Oi, fuckin’ Brits, right bruv?
Theme Song from “The Natural” (Randy Newman)-When Jose Canseco was traded to the Rangers in 1992, Chuck Morgan started playing the theme song from “The Natural” whenever he’d hit a home run. (In retrospect, that’s hilarious, as Jose Canseco was fueled almost exclusively by Test 300, high grade cocaine, and gorilla testicle extract. The only thing natural about that guy was his transcendent mullet; you can’t artificially create that type of majestic beauty.( Soon after, Rafael Palmeiro requested Chuck play it for his home runs, then a couple other guys requested it, so finally Chuck played it for every Ranger home run. I can’t find any evidence that he was the first PA guy to play a specific song for home runs, but Chuck is certainly the one responsible for teams around the country at every level of baseball playing this song when home runs are hit. A trend-setter, Mr. Morgan is.
The Heat is On (Glenn Frey)-I’ve got nothing against Mr. Frey and his post-Eagles stylings, but I’m really talking about the Nolan Ryan-specific remixed edition. That particular version makes an appearance in the 1989 Pulitzer Prize winning documentary “Feel the Heat,” my 3rd favorite VHS of all time (behind a homemade tape featuring recorded episodes of “The Simpsons” and “The Critic,” and a cheerleader-centric porno called “Pom Pom Sex Bomb”). I’m not exaggerating one bit when I say I’ve watched “Feel the Heat” probably 1000 times. After not having seen it in years, I checked it out the other day on YouTube, and it doesn’t disappoint. It’s just as good as I remember and, I’ll be honest, I’d almost forgotten that Mark Holtz narrated it. Holtz, who did play-by-play for the Rangers from 1981-1994, died in 1997, and hearing the voice that put me to bed so many nights was jarring, in a good way. Rest easy, Holtzy, and be on the lookout for your World Series ring.
The Eyes of a Ranger (Chuck Norris)-Beginning with the 11th episode of the third season of “Walker, Texas Ranger,” Mr. Norris himself sung the theme song to this mid-90’s CBS drama. If you’re not familiar, this was a show about Sergeant Cordell Walker, (not nearly enough motherfuckers naming their kids “Cordell” anymore) a member of the Texas Rangers law enforcement brigade. If you were a dumbass kid like me in 1993, you might have asked your parents questions like, “So wait, is the guy from “Missing in Action” and “Sidekicks” now playing for my favorite team? I don’t understand.” It was a confusing time in a young man’s life, having no idea that the baseball team called the Texas Rangers were named for the actual Texas Rangers. Although, I’ll admit I was much more confused a few more seasons into the show when Walker had to tell a 7-year-old little boy played by Haley Joel Osmont that he had AIDS. If you’re a fan of The Ticket, a DFW sports talk radio station, then you’re already familiar with all this. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, though, click here. It’s…literally unbelievable. The best part is the barely perceptible nod that Walker gives after the kid says, “Walker told me I have AIDS.” Just a subtle, slight, reassuring nod that seems to communicate, “Yes, young man. That’s right. You do, in fact, have AIDS.” 0.00% chance this makes a TV show in 2024. Holy shit the ‘90s were buck wild.
Texas When I Die (Tanya Tucker)-My wife reads this (or at least she says she does; if you do, tonight’s safe word is “Oddibe McDowell”), so I’ve gotta tread carefully here. But dude…prime Tanya Tucker was straight gas. She was Helen of Troy hot. She was also uber talented, and Tanya’s most famous song is mainly about how great Texas is and Texan Pride. In fact, Texans may be the most prideful folk you’ll come across, and why shouldn’t we be? Okay, sure, we’re not perfect. My fellow Texans and I could assuredly be better about things like racism…and classism…and jingoism…and anti-Semitism…and homophobia…and Islamophobia…and transphobia…and misogyny…and being gun crazy…and abortion laws…and you know what? Okay, yeah, we kinda suck. My bad. But the girls are pretty, the weather’s nice most of the time, and this song slaps.
The Yellow Rose of Texas (Various Artists)-The unofficial state song of Texas is a jam about ol’ Sam Houston running a Honeypot on Santa Anna with Emily West. That’s the mythology, at least, that Sam sent a young Ms. West into the Mexican camp around the time of the Battle of San Jacinto to distract the Mexican commander with her Rio Grande. Is it true? Who gives a shit. It’s an awesome story, and I for one will always choose to believe it.
Texas, Our Texas (written by William J. Marsh)-The official state song of Texas, and one that was sung in some Texas classrooms before the start of the school day as late as 1990. I never sang it in a classroom, but I was part of an ensemble that performed this song. Are you familiar with the musical instrument the recorder? It’s kind of like if a flute, a kazoo, and a referee’s whistle had a cheaply made, shitty sounding plastic baby. When I was in the 3rd grade our entire class, around 150 kids, were given recorders by our music teacher, who then tried to teach us how to use them. The ultimate goal this whole endeavor, besides brutally murdering 150 kids’ love of learning music, was being able to play “Texas, Our Texas” at an assembly at the end of the school year. Dear readers of Arm Side Fun, I’m not sure about much. I don’t know the mysteries of our existence; I’ve no idea whether we’re alone in this universe, or what happens when we die. I’ve got my suspicions, but maybe I’m wrong. Maybe there is a literal Heaven and Hell. And if there is, I’ll tell you what Hell is: It’s being crammed into an elementary school gym with no air conditioning in late May in Texas and forced to listen to 150 3rd graders attempt to play “Texas, Our Texas” on the goddamn recorder. Do you know what it sounds like when 1000 feral cats get fed into a woodchipper at the exact same time? ‘Cause I do.
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This Rangers’ themed edition keeps rolling, as it’s time to rank some things…powerfully! Today’s power ranking is the most important Opening Day/home openers for me personally.
10) Rangers vs. Red Sox (April 9th, 1993)
This was the first home opener I attended, and it also was the only time I saw Nolan Ryan pitch in person. The Rangers beat the Red Sox 3-1, and Big Tex picked up the win by allowing no earned runs on just four hits in 6.0 innings pitched, striking out five. After Nolan exited, Matt Whiteside, Kenny Rogers, and Tom Henke combined to throw 3.0 scoreless innings of relief. Rafael Palmeiro had two RBI, including the game-winner on a solo home run to right field. Right after Raffy’s bomb, Jose Canseco hit a home run that, I’m not exaggerating, went over about 40 feet over my head. I was in the left field bleachers at Arlington Stadium, about twenty rows from the top, and somehow this dude still hit a ball over our heads. It was the second most impressive home run I’ve seen in person (Mike Napoli’s three-run blast in Game 4 of the 2011 World Series takes the top spot on that particular list) and it helped to send 11-year-old me home a happy Junior Ranger.
9) Rangers vs. Angels (April 11th, 2005)
I wouldn’t go to another until 2005, but I definitely got my money’s worth when I returned. I had just been released by the Red Sox a couple weeks prior to this and I handled that disappointment like I handled all disappointment in that era of my life: I drowned it in Keystone Light. My buddy and I got a couple of Standing Room Only tickets to Rangers/Angels, showed up to tailgate at about 10:00 AM, started power drinking at 10:03, and didn’t stop until it was dark. The only thing about the game I remember is that Kenny Rogers, in his 37th stint with Texas, started on the mound. That’s it. Had no clue until 30 seconds ago that the Angels won 7-6, or that Rod Barajas had three hits for the Rangers. Some things I do remember from the day, though: somehow finagling our way into sitting in the 4th row near 3rd base; me and my buddy frisbeeing frozen hamburger patties at Angels’ fans; keeping my buddy from attempting to fight a 4’6” lesbian (in his defense, she was an asshole and instigated everything); and going to a local poker house afterwards and winning a few hundred dollars. T’WAS A GOOD DAY!!!
8) Rangers vs. Red Sox (April 1st, 2011)
This was the last home opener I attended, as the Rangers beat the Sox 9-5 in their first regular season game in franchise history as defending American League champions. C.J. Wilson was solid if not spectacular in his only Opening Day start for Texas, allowing four runs (two earned) on six hits in 5.2 innings pitched. Mike Napoli hit a two-out, two-run nuke off Boston starter Jon Lester in the 4th inning, and David Murphy, Elvis Andrus, and Josh Hamilton all had doubles in the Rangers’ four-run 8th. Pay close attention to the date of this game, as it was potentially a harbinger for the way this season ended in St. Louis (FUCK YOU GAME SIX, YOU SON OF A WHORE!!!). This game was the last Opening Day I attended with my now-wife, who wouldn’t become my bride for another year and change after this game. Love you, darlin’, you’re the best. (While we’re here, let’s change tonight’s safe word to “Benji Gil.” Shit…I hope she isn’t lying about reading these.)
7) Rangers vs. Angels (April 21st, 1972)
So yeah, I wasn’t alive for this one, as I wouldn’t be born for nearly another decade. But it’s the first home opener in Texas Rangers’ history, thus a big deal, so it makes the list. And it was a win, as Toby Harrah, Mister Ranger Tom Grieve, and Lenny Randle all had multi-hit days for the home team. Future Rangers’ pitching coach Dick Bosman was the winning pitcher, even though he allowed four runs on nine hits in 5.1 innings pitched. Some notable names were in the lineup for the Angels, including Sandy Alomar, Vada Pinson, and (future Rangers’ great) Mickey Rivers. Also in uniform that day, for the good guys, was Hall of Famer and possibly the greatest hitter ever, Ted Williams, in his only season as the club’s manager.
6) Rangers vs. Brewers (April 1st, 1997)
This was the first Opening Day the Rangers ever played as defending AL West champions, and it was a good one as they beat the Brewers 6-2. Lee Stevens and Damon Buford paced the Rangers offensively, each finishing with three RBI; Stevens’ home run in the first inning was the game-winner. Ken Hill was tremendous for the Rangers, allowing just two runs on six hits in 8.0 innings pitched. Brand new Ranger signee and huge piece of shit John Wetteland, fresh off being named the 1996 World Series MVP while with the Yankees, worked around two walks and a base hit to post a scoreless 9th. It was a promising start for the home team, but the club would drop 11 out of 15 games after the All-Star break and fail to repeat as division champions. For me it was memorable because I was in the 9th grade, and this was the first time I pretended to be sick in order to stay home and watch Opening Day.
5) Rangers vs. Rockies (July 24th, 2020)
Which one of these is not like the other? The opener from the Pandy season, folks! Y’all remember COVID-19? That was some shit, right? Remember how it essentially stopped the world down for a minute? Ooh, remember how a former reality TV star with a bunch of cotton candy pubes on his head told us that this virus would just disappear? That the warm weather of April would just end it? Or when he said that COVID could be killed by injecting bleach into the human body? Boy, that was wild, wasn’t it? Surely we won’t even have a chance to elect that asshole again, right?
So, this game. This was the first regular season game played at Globe Life Field, brand new home of the Texas Rangers. I had already been to the new stadium a few weeks prior to receive the first round of the COVID-19 booster. Of course, everyone knows that the jab affects both long- and short-term memory. Also, by mid-July my blood had already turned to sulfuric acid, I had grown an extra dick, and the 6G chip was fully implanted into my brain stem, so I can’t recall much from this ballgame. Looks like Lance Lynn carved for the Rangers, and Roughned Odor hit a double to score Danny Santana with the game’s only run.
4) Rangers vs. Red Sox (April 3rd, 2006)
I attended three straight home openers from 2005-2007, and this was by far the tamest of the three. Does that mean I didn’t drink or anything? Shit no. Me and the folks I was with got lit. Allegedly (and I can’t use that word strongly enough), someone in our group even tried to have sex with his then-girlfriend behind a Dumpster. It didn’t happen, ‘cause (allegedly) the guy threw up pretty quickly into the process. I’m gonna (allegedly) blame it on the 40 pounds of human shit in the Port-a-Potty he was (allegedly) standing next to, but I’m sure the Jello shots played a part. Allegedly. Anywho, the Rangers lost this game 7-3, and went on to finish 80-82 in the last year of the Buck Showalter era. A very forgettable game, at the start of a very forgettable season, but I’ll tell you what was exceedingly memorable: The 12 pounds of crawfish I drunkenly devoured after the game. Go big or go home, folks.
3) Rangers vs. Yankees (April 12th, 1982)
This is the first home opener the Rangers played while I was a living and breathing human being, and OF COURSE it was a loss to the goddamn Yankees. I’d like to think that 5-month-old me was locked in on watching the pitching matchup of Frank Tanana vs. Dave Righetti, but most likely my parents didn’t even know the Rangers were playing that day, as they didn’t become baseball fans until their sons started playing. If I had to guess the particulars of that day, I’d say we were at our house in southeast Fort Worth, less than 12 miles from Arlington Stadium as the crow flies. It was probably me, my mom, and my grandmother, who lived nearby. I was almost certainly in a diaper, shitting myself constantly ‘cause that’s what fat ass babies do. They were probably watching “As the World Turns” or “Young and the Restless” or “Kinda Hot But Brutal Actors Trying to Nail Dialogue Written by a Brain Injury Patient In Two Takes or Less” or any of the other soap operas that were big in the spring of ’82.
2) Rangers vs. Red Sox (April 6th, 2007)
Dude. This is by far my favorite home opener I’ve attended. The Rangers beat the Red Sox 2-0 behind a dominant but strange performance from starting pitcher Robinson Tejada, as the journeyman righty allowed no runs on just two hits in 7.0 innings pitched. He only had one strikeout, though, and induced 17 fly ball outs, an unusually high amount that normally would have spelled disaster at the launching pad that was The Ballpark in Arlington (I know it had a different name by 2007, but I still call the water park across I-30 Wet ‘N Wild, so fuck off). Mr. Tejada somehow made it work, though, and RBI singles by Sammy Sosa and Gerald Laird provided the offensive output. I was with a huge group of friends, and we did the whole “get there early and binge drink in the parking lot” thing. We then drank during the game, after the game, and then after that at a karaoke bar down the road. It was a shit show of drunken tomfoolery, aided by the fact that I was doing a ton of Adderall during this time, which made drinking beer for 14 hours straight possible. I ended up hungover for three days, missing two days of work as a result. This led to me quitting that job, which led to me getting my teaching certificate and my first job in education, which led to a whole bunch of other shit, which led to an addict in recovery working for a roofing company and typing up a bunch of dumb shit in his spare time. Butterfly effect, bro.
1) Rangers vs. Cubs (March 28th, 2024)
There’s only one possible game that can top this list: The one where the Texas Rangers will raise a banner proclaiming the 2023 team World Series Champions. It’s actually happening, and it’s happening tonight. It doesn’t matter if Nate Eovaldi gives up seven in the first, or if Corey Seager takes a Uranium Sombrero, or if Wyatt Langford hits a ball so hard that it goes through Cubs’ starter Justin Steele’s chest, killing him instantly. None of those things, or any other scenario short of Evan Carter and Adolis Garcia being abducted by aliens, could possibly put a damper on today. My favorite team, the one I’ve loved since the mid-80s when guys like Jeff Kunkel, Don Slaught, and Curt Wilkerson were prominently involved, is finally getting a banner, and I’ll get to watch it. Well, if the latest COVID-19 booster hasn’t robbed me of my sight, that is. Fingers crossed!
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The email address is armsidefun@gmail.com. Please, by all means, write some words and send them to me to read. I feel like this is kind of a one-way street sometimes; I need you to hold up your end, you lazy fuck. Ideas for playlists, or power rankings, or safe words between me and the missus are always welcome.
By the way, sweetheart, I’m changing the safe word for tonight to “Cecil Espy.” Final answer. Man, I really hope she reads this. If you never see me sitting down again, you’ll know she didn’t.
I’m out. Go Rangers. Don’t be an asshole.
