march 21st, 2024

It’s MLB Opening Week!!! Even though the first regular season game of the Major League Baseball season (Dodgers vs. Padres from South Korea) was played at 5:00 AM local time Wednesday and has since been overshadowed by whatever’s going on with Shohei Ohtani, his interpreter, and the gambling stuff (WHAT THE SHIT!!!), we here at Arm Side Fun couldn’t be happier about baseball being back. 

Today’s Playlist: Low Key Ballpark Classics

Everyone’s that been to a ballgame knows about “Centerfield” by John Fogerty, “Sweet Caroline” by Neil Diamond, or “Cheap Seats” by Alabama. Those songs are great, and they certainly have their place, but how about some lesser-known yard gems?

Beverly Hills (Weezer)-This was a staple for one of the independent league teams I played for back in the mid-2000s. Great song, and you can also use the intro of it to get the fans going mid-inning, as the drum beat almost sounds like “We Will Rock You.” BTW, independent league baseball is great if you’re looking to hone your skills as a burgeoning alcoholic/addict/man slut, but it’s not the best for actually getting better at baseball. Well, unless you have an iota of self-respect and discipline. I did not.

You Dropped a Bomb on Me (The Gap Band)-I first encountered this one while in college, standing on a pitcher’s mound somewhere in East Swampfuck, Louisiana. I had just given up a home run that went roughly 1100 feet, and the PA guy dialed up this song. It was funny, and I probably would have appreciated the humor of it more if I hadn’t been so full of venomous rage (I fucking HATE hitters, and everything they stand for and represent, and take every single positive outcome by a hitter personally). On a totally related note, the next guy wore one in the ribs. I sure showed him, lighting him up with 81.

All the Small Things (Blink 182)-Great song by a group I’m appreciating more and more the older I get. Of note: In college I played with a guy that was MAYBE 5’6”, probably closer to 5’4”, and most places we went to would play this song at some point when he was hitting. I loved it when that happened, ‘cause he was almost always one of the two or three best players on the field, and he used to be the type of dude that took shit very personally. How good was he? He played several years in the minor league system as a middle infielder and is now a scout for one of the Los Angeles teams; I forget which one. Great dude with 70 speed that could rake from both sides of the plate and really pick it at shortstop. 

Runaway (Bon Jovi)-This one reminds me of playing college summer ball in the Midwest. I’m pretty sure the girl doing the PA and walk-up songs for our home games was sweet on me, and one time I mentioned to her that I liked Bon Jovi. So, every time I pitched, she would play “Runaway.” Nothing ever happened there, as she was…a really sweet gal. Great personality, excellent conversationalist, superb listener, built like Tony Siragusa, etc. Not that I had a problem with any of those traits, as I would prove time, and time, and time, and time again.

Call Me Maybe (Carly Rae Jaspen)-Trust me on this one. Play this at any ballgame (or any gathering of more than two people) and everyone there will not only appreciate and enjoy it, but will likely sing along and have a great time with it. While we’re here, did anyone else get forced by their fiancé/wife gladly learn a choreographed dance to this song and then have to perform it at their wedding reception? Just me?

Shine (Collective Soul)-This was a big player at ballparks in the late ‘90s/early 2000s, but it seems to have fallen out of favor recently. That’s a shame, ‘cause it’s a gem, and most everyone at the yard of a certain age will sing along and vibe out with it.

Rio (Duran Duran)-Legendary bass line, and a top-3 Duran Duran song for this guy. I love everything about “Rio”, and wish it got as much love as “Hungry Like the Wolf” and “Ordinary World.”

Twilight Zone (Golden Earring)-Somewhere in a lonely hotel room, there's a guy starting to realize that eternal fate has turned its back on him…it's 2 a.m. It’s 2 a.m., the fear has gone, I’m sitting here waiting, the gun’s still warm, maybe my connection is tired of takin’ chances. (FUCKING POETRY!!! What happened to transcendent rock songs about not being able to score drugs? We used to be a proper country.)

Float On (Modest Mouse)-Just a tremendous song that pairs perfectly with an 80-degree day, a cold beer or 10, a couple dogs, a bag of sunflower seeds, and a well-played ballgame. Heaven, bro.

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Next week I’ll have more baseball stuff, as I’m toying with the idea of doing a full-on Arm Side Run MLB Preview. I’ll let that marinate in the ol’ gray matter for a couple days and see what comes of it. In the meantime, please enjoy this power ranking of the various members of the Cobra Kai. If you’re not familiar (and let’s face it, if you’re not familiar with the Cobra Kai then you’re probably not reading this), the Cobra Kai are antagonists from 1985’s Oscar winner for Best Picture, “The Karate Kid.” It also won awards for “Best Chase Scene Involving a Shower Curtain,” “Most Overtly Racist Depiction of Japanese Americans Since WWII,” and “Most Improbable Hook-Up Between Protagonist and Love Interest.” By the way, all of the above claims are 100% true. Those are all totally real awards that this movie earned, especially the “Best Picture” one, so please don’t disrespect me by fact-checking any of it. That would be rude, and remember, our motto around here is “Don’t be an asshole.”

10) Jimmy/Ralph

Jimmy is by far the least well-known member of the core Cobras and gets very little screen time. In fact, I had to look up the character’s name. I’ve seen the movie at least 50 times and had no clue. In college a couple of buddies and I would watch ‘Karate Kid’ a couple times a month, and we always called him Ralph. For years, I thought this guy was named Ralph. You know what? Fuck it. He’s still Ralph. Congratulations, Ralph, you made the list but barely. (It doesn’t help Ralph’s cause that it looks like Ms. LaRusso could whip his ass).

9) Jerry

Didn’t know this guy’s name, either. He’s the token black guy in the Cobras, and Daniel’s first Cobra Kai opponent in the All Valley tournament; he doesn’t get much screen time otherwise. Makes sense, right? This dude is just trying to learn self-defense and better himself, and he ends up in the same karate school as a bunch of blue-eyed, blond-headed, super aggro white dudes giving off some strong Jan. 6th vibes that are all about displaying their dominance though violence and intimidation. I would’ve kept my distance, too. Well-played, Jerry.

8) Unnamed Punching Bag/Glenn

So this guy’s deal is that he’s overweight and gets kicked square in the solar plexus (copyright Attitude Era Jim Ross) by Daryl Vidal, the guy that eventually loses to Johnny in the semis. (By the way, in real life Vidal was a 3rd degree black belt and choreographed many of the movie’s fight scenes, and the legend is that he’s the one that came up with the Crane Kick.) Overweight guy is never named (You like the name Glenn? ‘Cause I do. Let’s go with Glenn.), but the most memorable part of Glenn’s appearance is that right after he gets roundhoused in the tits, Johnny says to Kreese, “Christ, sensei, can we get this guy a sports bra? He’s got bigger cans than Ali’s mom.” Nah, he actually said, “He’s not very good.” No shit, Professor Lawrence.

7) Terry Silver

I’m only counting Cobra Kai members and events from the first 3 movies, not the Netflix show “Cobra Kai”, or Terry might be higher. (I would like to point out how the series does a good job of fleshing out why a super-rich industrialist would pause his entire life to fuck with an 18-year-old kid because said kid beat his buddy’s student at karate.) Points in Terry’s favor are: 1) He gets Daniel to embrace his darker, more violent side. 2) Via the Quick Silver Method he gets Daniel to do things that he knows are not only forbidden in tournament matches but could also injure him. 3) Look at that fucking ponytail! Give that man a 40-pound cell phone that costs $1200 per call, and you’ve got an instant ‘80s Bad Guy. Unfortunately, though, there are some red flags with Terry that cause him to slip in the rankings: 1) Again, he’s a wealthy man in his 30s that’s harassing a teenager because of the result of a regional karate tournament. 2) I know he fought in the Vietnam War and all, but he’s obviously a hugely racist asshole, as evidenced by some of the things he says/does in the presence of Mr. Miyagi. 3) You just know that he eventually pissed away at least 80% of his net worth investing in crypto and NFTs. Plus, (and honestly, I can’t decide if this should count for him or against him), he also seems like the type of dude Lauren Boebert would jerk off in a Wal-Mart parking lot. (Politics aside, you’re totally catching a handy from Ms. Boebert, right? Don’t lie). 

6) Mike Barnes

I like Mike’s turn in “Cobra Kai”, but again I’m only considering the movies for this list. Here the thing on Mike: he’s not really that great at karate. I mean shit, Daniel (played by a super-bloated and obviously 30-year-old Ralph Macchio in “Karate Kid III”) was able to beat him in what was only his second karate match in the last calendar year. (I’m counting the showdown with Chozen in ‘Karate Kid II’ as Daniel’s other match. You battle a Winstrol-fueled psycho ostensibly to the death in front of an entire village, beat him, honk his nose, and then bone Kumiko in an Okinawan castle while listening to “Glory of Love” by Peter Cetera, that shit counts as a match.) If you’re truly Karate’s Bad Boy, Michael, you ain’t getting bested by some bullshit combination of jazzercise, Pilates, and gymkata performed by a guy carrying more water weight than the Pacific Ocean. Plus, he casually threatens Jessica with sexual violence, which, look, I know it was a different time, but c’mon, how does that make it into the movie? 

5) John Kreese

If this were a power ranking of legendary on-screen assholes, John Kreese would be much higher. He leads through intimidation and fear, and apparently has no qualms with ruining the lives of teenagers for no reason other than his own amusement. But here’s the thing with sensei Kreese: His star pupil lost to a guy that as recently as a few weeks ago was learning karate from a book. Then it happened again a year later (even though you could argue that Mike was more Terry Silver’s protégé than Kreese’s, he was still representing the Cobra Kai brand). BTW, the next time you watch "Karate Kid III," watch for the scene right after Daniel beats Mike in the finals when the fans in the stands start throwing the yellow Cobra Kai shirts on the floor. Kreese grabs one, wads it up, takes a step or two into the stands, throws it about 96 miles per hour, then does the time-tested “Why I oughta!” backhand pantomime at what’s probably an unwed 17-year-old mother. 

4) Tommy

Now we’re getting down to brass tacks: the main four Cobras from the original movie. The most unlikable of the four? Tommy, without question. Dude is imminently hateable. If this were wrestling, he’d be an absolute heat magnet as a chicken shit heel. He’s probably most famously known as the “Get him a body bag…yeah,” guy, but I think his most quintessential contribution to the film was his line to Ali as he and Daniel were walking away from the Cobras at school right after Miyagi negotiated the truce with Kreese: “Must be take a worm for a walk week.” Boom. Mic drop, son. That right there is some pure, uncut ‘80s smack that you can’t fuck with. Go watch the scene. Dude HATES Daniel, and it’s mainly because Daniel’s chumming his buddy’s waters. Magic, Thomas. Pure magic. 

3) Bobby Brown

Bobby is the most likable of the Cobras, and the one I think I’d most likely be friends with in real life. You can tell that he’s not totally down with all the horseshit that Johnny and the rest of the group pulls, but he does little to stop it. He also totally caves when, right before the semis of the All Valley, Kreese demands that he intentionally injure Daniel. He does it, immediately feels terrible, and apologizes to Daniel, but that can’t change what happened. I’m a big fan, Bobby, and you’ve got the second-best head of hair in the movie, but you’re 3rd on this list because you refused to grow a spine. My list, my prerogative. 

2) Johnny Lawrence

If you’re a casual fan you may be surprised, but Johnny’s in the 2-hole on this list. Listen, Johnny’s a great character, and Bill Zabka played him spectacularly. The University of Alabama fraternity hair; the rugged handsomeness; the dirt bike; the “Thriller”-inspired Cobra Kai branded red leather jacket; the ability to pull off a head band and not look like an asshat; the shit-talking; the skill and dexterity to roll a spliff while sitting on a shitter at a school dance; the dynamic athleticism; the relatability of wanting to kick the shit out of the dude who’s with your ex; the obvious tug of good and evil that’s consuming him; the ability to sprint across an open field at full speed while wearing a Halloween costume that clearly couldn’t accommodate tennis shoes…it all plays. In most worlds, Johnny is #1. But not in this world, because in this world, this man exists…

1) Dutch

Motherfucking Dutch. The clear alpha of the pack, and by far the most dangerous Cobra, Dutch was born with less than zero fucks to give about anything other than having the sweetest curly blond perm on the planet, terrorizing virgins from New Jersey, sampling the finest 37-year-old divorcee trim in the Valley, and perfecting his recipe for bathtub crank. In the “Cobra Kai” series they didn’t even bother including Dutch when they did a reunion episode because, were it real life, Dutch would have assuredly been doing a nickel for beating the shit out of the guy that door-dinged his Firebird during a drug deal. The actor that played Dutch, Chad McQueen (son of Steve, incidentally), was also a professional race car driver for many years, studied martial arts under Chuck Norris, and went to star in the mid ‘90s late-night titty movie classics ‘Sexual Malice’ and ‘Indecent Behavior II.’ What I’m trying to say is that Steve McQueen’s only son might be the peak of human achievement. Thank you for blessing us with your presence, Chad, and thank you for bringing to life the quintessential member of the Cobra Kai.

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Thanks for reading. If you’ve got anything you want to share with me, such as suggestions for playlists, ideas for power rankings, or links to creampie videos that aren’t affiliated with PornHub (currently banned in Texas, thanks a lot Hunter Biden), let me know. 

If you feel like paying me six figs to do this full time, same. 

Check in on your people, check in on yourself, watch a ton of NCAA basketball this weekend, and most importantly, don’t be an asshole.