february 9th, 2024

Today’s Playlist: Super Bowl Halftime Hits

The Super Bowl is this weekend, and Usher is performing at halftime. I’m a huge fan of Mr. Raymond IV and am eagerly anticipating his set. We’re certainly getting ‘Yeah’ and ‘Confessions, Pt. 2’, and probably ‘OMG’ and ‘Nice and Slow’, but other than that, he could go in a lot of directions. 

Here’s a list of songs performed at Super Bowls in the last 30+ years that I particularly enjoy:

Black or White (Michael Jackson, from Super Bowl XXVII 27; motherfuck them roman numerals)-For most of these songs I had to double-check which Super Bowl it was played in, but not this. This was the game where the Cowboys absolutely curb stomped the Bills 52-17 to win the first of three championships in four seasons. I was in the 5th grade when this game was played, and it’s no hyperbole to say that this day is on the Top 10 list of Best Days of My Life. MJ crushed it at halftime, although it’s always kind of a shitty feeling when you celebrate his catalog and performances, knowing all the terrible things he did. BTW, before Mike there were few big names that performed the halftime show. For years it was stuff like college marching bands, Up with People, Elvis impersonators, and the occasional act like New Kids on the Block. Why the shift? During halftime of Super Bowl 26 (played in January of 1992), the Fox network aired a live episode of “In Living Color” that drew around 20 million people away from the Super Bowl, and that was a wrap. Since then, it’s been A-Listers. Well, A-listers and Travis Tritt.

Beautiful Day (U2, from Super Bowl 36)-This is from February of 2002, making it the first Super Bowl after 9/11. Of course, the NFL felt compelled to do a tribute to the victims, which could have easily come across as contrived or hackneyed. However, you can do a lot worse than having Bono and the boys spearheading something like that, and even I, as a cynical 20-year-old burgeoning nihilist, was moved when they performed ‘Beautiful Day’. 

Paradise (Coldplay, from Super Bowl 50)-I’m a middle class cis het white guy from suburban America; I’m contractually obligated to love this song.

Baba O’Riley (The Who, from Super Bowl 44)-More commonly known as the ‘teenage wasteland’ song, this is from the era when the NFL was trotting out acts that had been around for eons. In a six-year period starting in 2005, we got Paul McCartney, The Rolling Stones, Tom Petty, Bruce Springsteen, and The Who. I’m a fan of all these acts, but the NFL finally realized that white dudes born in same decade World War II ended maybe weren’t super appealing to most of its audience and started booking more contemporary artists. This song will always slap, though.

We Found Love (Rihanna feat. Calvin Harris, from Super Bowl 57)-From last year’s game that, sigh, the Dallas Cowboys weren’t in. RiRi was there, though, several months pregnant and absolutely dealing. I’m talking 97 on the black with several inches of arm side run type of dealing. She straight carved.

She Will Be Loved (Maroon 5, from Super Bowl 53)-A couple of things are true regarding Maroon 5: People that are giant fans of their music are almost always insufferable asshats, and their lackluster performance at Super Bowl 53 was a driving force behind the NFL soliciting Roc Nation to produce the halftime show. Also true: this song is exceptional, and by far the best thing they’ve put out.

Open Your Heart (Madonna, from Super Bowl 46)-This is from February 2012. Would it have made more sense to book Madonna for a Super Bowl that took place in 1992, or even 2002? Probably. She’s still Madonna, though, and I thoroughly enjoyed her performance. BTW, Super Bowl 46 was Eli Manning’s second Super Bowl win. It’s absolutely hilarious to me that Eli Manning, a guy that I’m 100% certain still giggles when he sees his wife’s bare breasts, has more rings than Dan Marino, Jim Kelly, and Aaron Rodgers combined.

Halo (Beyonce, from Super Bowl 47)-I’ve long proclaimed my adoration for this song, and that shan’t be changing. Ever. I’m not kidding when I say I listen to ‘Halo’ at least 10 times a week. It’s just spectacular.

You Can’t Hurry Love (Diana Ross, from Super Bowl 30)-Super Bowl 30 pitted the Dallas Cowboys against the Pittsburgh Steelers; it’s the last time the Cowboys played in the NFL’s ultimate game. The performer of the halftime show that year was Diana Ross. That’s the same Diana Ross from The Supremes, the Motown all-girl group that was formed in 1959. THE LAST TIME THE COWBOYS WERE IN A SUPER BOWL THE HALFTIME PERFORMER WAS A WOMAN WHO WAS PART OF A GROUP THAT WAS FORMED IN NINETEEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY-NINE!!! It’s been a goddamn long time since the ‘Boys have been in a Super Bowl, is what I’m saying. 

Purple Rain (Prince, from Super Bowl 41)-The best Super Bowl halftime show performance was Prince at Super Bowl 41 in Miami. Period, point-blank, it’s inarguable. The best part of his set was when he performed ‘Purple Rain’. During the performance, it actually began raining pretty hard and, instead of panicking, Prince calmly asked the producers if there was any way they could make it rain harder. Fucking legend. R.I.P., Prince. Unless Roger Goodell and Jay-Z can reanimate Beethoven and pair him with Metallica, this ain’t getting topped.

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You know what? I’m a firm believer in the idea that you shouldn’t fix shit that ain’t broke, so let’s keep on riding this Super Bowl bronc ‘til it bucks us. Here’s a power ranking of the most personally memorable (non-Cowboys related, ‘cause they’d be the whole list otherwise) Super Bowl Moments of all-time:

10) Dad Vibes

Super Bowl 49, Pats vs. Seahawks. The Malcolm Butler interception game. This was also my first Super Bowl as a father. My son was only three months old in February of 2015, but if you’re a parent you know how much your perspective on everything changes in even that short amount of time. For me, this manifested itself as bouts of crippling fear briefly interrupted by moments of pure emotional joy. One second, I would be paralyzed by the thought that my kid would die someday, the next I would find myself weeping at the littlest things like the majesty of birds in flight, or how beautiful grass is. It was a weird and, thankfully, short phase, but this Super Bowl came right in the middle of it. I was still drinking back then, and we went to a Super Bowl party hosted by a gentleman who was very generous with his Fireball. At that point in my life I woulda drank a bucket of horse blood if I thought it might buzz me up, so I had no compunction about housing half a bottle of cinnamon whiskey. I typically wear my emotions on my sleeve anyways, and several shots of Fireball a few months into fatherhood only exacerbated this. When Malcolm Butler made his pick to seal the game (which was an absolutely stupid feat of preparation, anticipation, execution, awareness, and athleticism), I started to think about how proud his dad must have been of him and started choking up. It took every effort I could make to keep from sobbing in front of a group of mostly strangers in some dude’s living room, and I eventually had to go outside to compose myself. After a few minutes I was able to do so, then made it back into the house just as my son was rolling over from his back to his belly for the first time. This, of course, made me lose it again. We left shortly after. Fireball, Super Bowls, and babies, dude.

9) Sick Game, Bro

Super Bowl 54 was Patty Mahomes’ first appearance and win in the big game, as he and the Chiefs scored 21 unanswered points in the 4th quarter to beat the 49ers 31-20. Brilliant effort by the former right-handed pitcher from Whitehouse, Texas, and the first of what will soon be four Super Bowl appearances for him (all before his 30th birthday). He’s a legend, and a Hall of Famer if he retires tomorrow, and I’m lucky that I get to watch him. But this game, to me, will always be about COVID-19. A football game played in front of 62,000 people in Miami that was watched by hundreds of millions around the world just five weeks before the entire world came to a grinding halt is kind of hard to wrap my head around. It was such a strange time and, even into February, none of us had any idea what our immediate future would look like. This Super Bowl kind of ended up being the last big hurrah before shit got nuts.

8) Jeep Down

Super Bowl 32 was an awesome game between the old sheriff (John Elway of the Broncos) and the cocky gunslinger (Brett Favre of the Packers), one that finally saw Elway collect a ring. Other than John Elway’s helicopter run, though, I remember very little of this game. I had just started driving a few months before SB 32, and the day before the game I flipped my Jeep Cherokee, totaling it in the process. Other than a few scratches and bruises I was fine physically, but mentally I was pretty shaken up. One reason is there was a guy that was driving just a few hundred feet behind me when it happened, and he was quick to offer help and a cell phone that allowed me to call my parents. As I was calling my parents, he said, “Be sure to tell them you’re fine, ‘cause when they see your car they’re gonna think you’re dead, even after talking to you.” That shook me up, as did my parents’ reaction when they got there. I was very lucky…unlike the millions of folks from Mississippi affected by the welfare scam Brett Favre helped perpetrate in order to build a goddamn volleyball arena. Asshole.

7) 18 and 1

The drunkest I’ve ever been for a Super Bowl was in February 2008, when the Patriots lost to the Giants. This was the year the Patriots went scorched earth on the entire NFL after Deflategate and came into Super Bowl 42 undefeated at 18-0. The Pats had a near-his-peak Tom Brady and a motivated Randy Moss, and they just roasted fools for five months. After this game they would either be 19-0, or 18-1, and my buddy Ricky had an idea. “To honor this incredible feat by New England, we’ll both drink 18 beers throughout the game. Once it’s over, we’ll take a shot.” Sounds completely asinine and arbitrary to 42-year-old me, but 26-year-old me thought it was the most logical thing he’d ever heard. So we start hammering beers, and are piss drunk by halftime. I honestly lost count of the number of beers we drank. I don’t think either of us got to 18, but we were close. Well, Ricky passes out early in the 4th quarter, so I think I’m off the hook for the shot. Then, with less than two minutes left in the game, David Tyree and the Helmet Catch happen. I’m screaming at the top of my lungs at one of the most improbable plays in sports history, and this wakes up Ricky. We watch the end of the game, an unlikely Giants win that was sealed with a touchdown pass from Titties Tee-Hee Manning to Plaxico Burress, then he pours up four shots of whiskey. “Why four?” I asked. He said, “Because you woke me up, asshole. And I don’t have to go to work tomorrow.”

6) Yard Lines

I don’t hide the fact that I’m an addict in recovery; it’s a major part of my story. I hesitate to tell drug stories sometimes, though, ‘cause it either seems like I’m bragging and proud of the dumb shit I did, or I’m reminiscing fondly and miss it. I promise, it’s neither. I lost a great job and ended up in rehab because of my drug use; I was perilously close to losing my family, as well. I have a ton of feelings about my years of active drug use, but pride isn’t one of them. However, shame really isn’t one either. These are things that happened, and I can’t change any ofit. All I can do now is try to be the best version of myself each day going forward. 

So…Super Bowl 41. Bears versus Colts in Miami. Prince at halftime. Peyton Manning’s first ring. Devin Hester housing the opening kickoff. That game. I went to my buddy Ted’s house for it. I played college baseball, and Ted was a former teammate of mine. Ted and I had a lot of things in common, but at the top of the list was a shared affinity for hard drug use. I was mainly an opiate/opioid guy, but definitely didn’t discriminate. Ted was pretty big into cocaine at the time, and I was no stranger to it myself. So, we bought a few grams, but for some reason he said we had to wait until halftime to break bread. Okay, whatever, he paid for 60% of the merchandise, and it’s his house, so that’s fine. But during the first half he kept going to his bedroom every few minutes and locking his door, and was adamant that I not follow him in there. I was certain he was back there railing lines, so imagine my surprise when Ted brings into the living room a huge, framed picture of his dogs. This thing was massive, at least 24” x 36”. Ted carefully sets it down, and on the glass of the frame there is, I shit you not, a miniature football field made entirely out of cocaine. It was only a 20-yard ‘field’, but it had yard lines, end zones, even hash marks. It was a really impressive piece of work that we admired for about 4 seconds; I eventually got to sleep late Monday morning.

5) Pre-Game Blow/Post-Game Show

Super Bowl 33 was a blowout win for the Broncos over the Falcons. This was the Dirty Birds Falcons team that featured Jamal Anderson, Terance Mathis, and Jessie Tuggle. These dudes represented Atlanta and had incredible swag, which I always thought was funny juxtaposed with the fact that their quarterbacks were Chris Chandler and Steve DeBerg, and their head coach was Dan Reeves. That trio is so vanilla, in every sense of the word. The Dirty Birds kick ass, and always will, but I remember this game for two reasons. Reason #1: Eugene Robinson, a veteran safety in his 14th year in the league, gets arrested the night/morning before the game for soliciting a prostitute. Can you imagine if something like a decorated and respected (not to mention married) veteran NFL player got locked up for trying to buy trim on Super Bowl Eve in the social media age? The memes would be SPECTACULAR. Reason #2: After the game, ‘Family Guy’ premiered on Fox. I have long since passed the point where I think ‘Family Guy’ is an unmissable show, and haven’t watched an episode in years, but 17-year-old me thought it was the zenith of comedy. 

4) Tom Brady Is Good at Footballing

There’s no story here. Just an appreciation for some silly facts. 57 Super Bowls have been played since January 1967. Tom Brady has participated in 10 of those Super Bowls, which is roughly 17.5% of them; he’s won 7 of those, which is 12.2% of them. Read that again. TOM BRADY HAS BEEN THE WINNING QB IN ALMOST 1/8 OF THE SUPER BOWLS THAT HAVE BEEN PLAYED!!! It was an incredible run and, even though I’m not a huge TB12 guy, I can definitely appreciate the rarity of such domination.

3) Wide Right

I vaguely remember watching Joe Montana and the 49ers boat race the Broncos in Super Bowl 24, but just bits and pieces. Snapshots, mainly. The first Super Bowl I can remember watching from start to finish was the one the next year when the Bills and Giants played in Tampa, a game famous for two things: Whitney Houston singing perhaps the definitive version of ‘The Star-Spangled Banner’, and Scott Norwood attempting a 47-yard field goal that would have given the Bills a two-point lead with a couple of seconds left on the clock. The kick sailed wide right, however, and Bill Parcells and the Giants collected their second Lombardi Trophy in five seasons. I remember being totally enthralled with this game and felt my first bout of second-hand heartbreak for a fanbase. This was a CRUSHING loss for the Bills and would represent the closest the franchise has gotten thus far to a championship.

2) Ice Bowl Redux

Four Super Bowls have been played in the state of Texas, but only one of them was in North Texas: Super Bowl 45. Packers 31, Steelers 25, emanating from what was then known as Cowboys Stadium. Great game, but what most folks around these parts remember about that Super Bowl is the absolute shit show of an ice storm that hit the Metroplex that week. I was teaching/coaching at a high school near Dallas back then, and the weather was so bad that school was cancelled Tuesday-Friday. Sometimes around these parts school will get cancelled when the roads really aren’t that bad, but this wasn’t that. Driving was treacherous at best and deadly at worst, so my then girlfriend (now wife) and I stayed at her place the whole week. By the time Saturday rolled around and the temps got into the 40s, seemingly the entire DFW area was stir crazy and ready to party. We met some friends at a bar in Fort Worth, and right after we got there my mom called me. I asked her what she was doing, and she said she was with her aunt, Ruby, and her cousin, Freddie. Ruby is an extremely important figure in my life and one of my favorite people ever, and Freddie had (and still has) one of the most kick ass mullets you can lay eyes on, so I asked if they cared to join us. A bit to my surprise they all agreed, and eventually me and my future wife and a bunch of our friends are partying with my 70-year-old aunt. She was game, too, taking a couple shots, dancing, and having a great time. She was the life of the party, and everyone in our group was smitten with her. When we were getting ready to leave, Ruby asked me if I could find out the addresses of all my friends that were there. When I asked her what for, she said, “Because this was a lot of fun, and I want to write each of them thank you notes for being so nice to an old lady.” Straight class, that one was. R.I.P., Ruby.

1) I Lied; The Cowboys Are in the Top Spot

As shitty as the 2023 season ended, and as frustrating as the last nearly three decades have been, I’m still a huge fan of the Dallas Cowboys. The Cowboys are, quite simply, one addiction I’ll never be able to kick, and I have to include one of their ’90s Super Bowl wins on a list like this. My personal favorite was the 31-13 win over the Bills in Super Bowl 28. If you’ll recall, the Cowboys were down seven points at halftime. A huge dose of Emmitt Smith in the 2nd half and a fumble returned for a touchdown by James Washington helped the ‘Boys rally, though, and title #2 of the ‘90s was theirs. I like this one best because there was a bit more drama in this game than in the year prior, and also because Jimmy was still there. I love Jimmy Johnson, and truly feel he and Troy could have won a couple more championships had ego and human nature not had their say in the matter. Regardless, this was a milestone win, and probably represented the peak of my fandom.

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Hey, thanks for reading this. This is the best and cheapest form of therapy I’ve found up to this point, and I really enjoy doing it. Enjoy the game, and don’t be an asshole.