february 14th, 2024

Today’s Playlist: Valentine’s Day Mix

Today love is in the air (and, if you’re lucky, in her hair), as it’s Saint Valentine’s Day. I don’t really know who Saint Valentine is, but apparently dude loved to bone. Hold on, let me do a quick image search for ‘Saint Valentine’ and…holy shit, bro was NOT a looker. He probably had to ply his potential paramours with all sorts of gifts just to have a shot, right? Wait a sec…is that why we’ve gotta buy a bunch of flowers, and jewelry, and chocolate and shit just to get laid in mid-February? That motherfucker. Mix in some game, SV, and maybe a guy could save a dollar or two. Here’s some of my favorite Beast with Two Backs bangers:

Pony (Ginuwine)-You ever been asked by a liaison, mid-stroke, to please stop making the auto-tuned ‘Yeah, yeah, yeah’ sounds from “Pony?” ‘Cause it’s awkward as shit. Especially when you refuse and are asked to leave…your own apartment.

Red Light Special (TLC)-This song and video were released mid-November of ’94, when I was in the 7th grade, and it blew my mind. “Wait a minute, girls get horny? NO WAY!!! Can they cum, too?” (No, no they can’t.)

Wicked Game (Chris Isaak)-The pace and rhythm of this song might make you think it’s more of a lovemaking jam, but understand something: Mr. Isaak’s opus is all about throwing down passionately and aggressively, in ways that can break your heart and your hip if you’re not careful.

Freak-A-Leek (Petey Pablo)-You remember Petey Pablo? He was a thing for a minute in the mid-aughts. This song was produced by Lil ‘Jon (most assuredly not his last mention here today) and, besides having a tremendous beat, is a really good mix of raunchy yet funny lyrics.

Gasolina (Daddy Yankee)-I played a few years of minor league baseball, and in that world, you play with a bunch of dudes from the Dominican Republic. I always thought this song was about drugs, but according to a former teammate from Santo Domingo, “gasolina” is a term used by young ladies in the throes of passion to indicate that you could use a few more miles-per-hour on your fastball. 

S&M (Rihanna)-I’ve never been big into BDSM or kink stuff, but something about this song taps into my Neanderthal brain. I’m not saying I want my old lady to hit me over the head, drag me back to the cave, and chain me up, but, like, maybe I am?

#!*@ You Tonight (Notorious B.I.G. feat. R Kelly)-A bit on the nose, perhaps, but this song contains the lyric, “Got you pinned up, with your fuckin’ limbs up/All because you like the way my Benz was rimmed up,” which is the type of bar Emily Dickinson could only dream of.

Green Light (John Legend feat. Andre 3000)-If you only know “All of Me” John Legend, take a dive into this one. It’s super horny but also respectful, and it’s got a rare late-aughts verse from Stacks that includes the line, “So I went hard, like Madusa starin’ at me.” Boner similes that tie into Greek mythology? Bravo, sir.

Doin’ It (LL Cool J feat. LeShaun)-I’m not a huge LL fan, but he crushed this one. I had a buddy from college that said, “You gotta make sure you always have two burnt CDs with you: One called ‘Getting it Wet’, and one called ‘Keeping it Wet’.” This song is the rare track that fits on either.

Ignition (Remix) (R. Kelly)-Art from artist right? You’ve gotta separate the two. Robert Kelly is a monster, and a criminal, and deserves life in prison. I can admonish his actions and have sympathy for his victims, while, at the same time, enjoying the many excellent songs he created. At the top of that list is “Ignition (Remix)”, which, if you’re within a few years either way of your 40th birthday, you definitely threw hips to more than twice. 

Play (David Banner)-When it comes to sex songs, I’m normally more a fan of innuendo and allusions than outright smut. This is one of the exceptions, though, and I think it’s due to the incredible work of Mr. Collipark on the production side. With that type of beat, a song about almost anything would have been catchy and sexy.

Get Low (Lil Jon & the East Side Boyz feat. the Ying Yang Twins)-I know this is more of a club banger than a straight up sex song, but this was such a cultural force back in ’03 that it’s on the list. EVERYBODY was fuckin’ to this song. In fact, I’ll go out on this limb: Every person you know under the age of 60 that’s had sex before has had sex to this song. And if you happen to know a person that writes about stupid shit like a Valentine’s Day playlist, then you definitely know someone that’s had sex to this song while trying to see how many times he could get away with doing the “To the window, to the wall” gesture without getting caught.

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Time to Power Rank some stuff. Y’know what? Let’s keep this thing going, but with a twist. How about some off-the-wall sex songs that may not be super obvious? Here are my 10 favorite Low-Key Fuck Tunes:

10) Gonna Fly Now (Bill Conti)

More commonly known as the “Rocky” theme song, this is one that you absolutely need in your repertoire. Not only will you view your latest sesh as a 12-round war, but in certain positions you can shadowbox and work on your uppercuts and jabs without your partner knowing. Pro tip, gents: If you find yourself limping to the finish line and in need of some reinvigoration during a particularly lengthy bout with that special someone, imagine Mickey coaching up you and your peen from the corner of the bedroom. “Get up, you son of a bitch! ‘Cause Mickey loves ya!”

9) Ghostbusters (Ray Parker)

Fellas, you ever been super drunk at 4:00 AM and trying like hell to finish just so that you can go to bed? Sure you have. It happens to everyone. Need a trick to help you get there? Play the theme from "Ghostbusters." Or, if you’re not in a spot to hit play on Ray Parker’s masterpiece, try this: Say out loud, almost in a whisper at first, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.” Then a little bit louder, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.” Then louder, “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts.” Then repeat it several times, getting louder each time. “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts…I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO GHOSTS...I AIN’T AFRAID OF NO MOTHERFUCKIN’ GHOSTS!!!” I don’t know the science behind it, but I promise that shit works. Just don’t yell “SLIMER!!!” as you arrive. That, uh, isn’t well received. 

8) In the Navy (Village People)

I know what you’re thinking. “Dude, Village People?” There are a couple of reasons to dial this one up at go time, though, so just hear me out:

Reason #1) We here at Arm Side Fun are proponents and supporters of any and all types of sex between consenting adults. 

Reason #2) A sampling of the actual lyrics from this song:

“Where you can find pleasure, search the world for treasure, learn science and technology/

Where can you begin to make all your dreams all come true, on the land or on the sea

Where you can learn to fly, play in sports and skin dive, study oceanography/

Sign up for the big band, or sit in the grandstand, when your team and others meet

In the navy…”

I’m not even sure where to start with the embarrassment of riches these dudes are pitching. Pleasure AND tech ed? Skin diving AND oceanography? You mean I no longer have to choose? Sold, fellas.

7) Thank You for Being a Friend (a/k/a the “Golden Girls” Theme)

Blanche, Dorothy, Sophia, and the sexiest of them all, Rose. What a crew, and what a song. “Golden Girls” was one of the first shows that portrayed women as fully human creatures with wants, desires, and needs. Groundbreaking stuff. My daughter is five, and I can only hope that one day she’s as strong, independent, and loyal as these gals.

6) Achy Breaky Heart (Billy Ray Cyrus)

I’m telling you, there’s something about this song that makes me yearn for the innocence and naivety of young love. I think maybe it’s because I grew up in small-town Texas and, in elementary school one year, right around the time this song was dominating the charts, our whole grade had to learn how to square dance. We legit spent several weeks during the school day learning how to swing, and promenade, and Do Si Do, and all that shit. We even had to get dressed up in flannel shirts, jeans, and boots for a big assembly where we’d show off everything we had learned that was attended by parents, grandparents, teachers, etc. I was, apparently, a pretty good square dancer, and got paired with a girl from my class to be the lead couple for the assembly, which was a huge deal, because I had a MASSIVE crush on this girl. I was smitten, and could barely function around her, so imagine how fired up I was to have to perform several dances with her. It was almost too much. After the assembly, high on a wave of endorphins from both the attention bestowed on me as the lead square dance guy and 30 minutes of constant touching of a girl I was in love with, I made a move: as her parents corralled us to take a picture, I tried to put my arm around her waist. Pretty innocent, right? I mean shit, we just spent a half hour holding hands and whatnot in front of a cafeteria full of people. Surely this was fine, right? Let me tell you, unequivocally, that it was not fine. She snapped her head around, glared at me, and borderline yelled at me, “No. We’re square dance buddies, and that’s all!” Square dance buddies? Hold on, did I just get put in the goddamn Square Dance Buddies Zone? I couldn’t process it. She told my poor little 10-year-old heart, and it didn’t understand.

5) God Bless the U.S.A. (Lee Greenwood)

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on, slick. Are you suggesting that these colors run? ‘Cause I can assure you, these colors have never even considered running. We straight on that? Good. Now, Mr. Greenwood’s quintessential jingoist jam, normally reserved for fireworks shows around the 4th of July, is one I would strongly advise you to rotate into your Mattress Mix. You’ve got to be careful with it, though. Or at least I do. See, I’m such a patriot that, long before Lee can even get to the part of the song about the plains of Texas, I’ve fashioned my own lakes of Minnesota on her hills of Tennessee. (I’m talking about cum. I love America so much it makes me cum way early.)

4) Battle Hymn of the Republic (music by William Steffe, lyrics by Julia Ward Howe)

The lyrics for “Battle Hymn of the Republic” were written by abolitionist Julia Ward Howe in 1861, and included in the song was a call to end slavery. What’s that have to do with boning? Well let me answer your question with a question: Is there anything sexier than the idea of every human on the planet being able to be totally free to live their lives however they’d like to? Not to this guy. You wanna fuck dudes? You wanna fuck frying pans? You wanna fuck dudes AND frying pans? Use plenty of Pam, mind the non-stick coating, and get to work. As long as consenting adults are in agreement about the parameters (and here’s your reminder that children, animals, and intoxicated individuals cannot consent), and it doesn’t hurt anyone else, then liberate those desires.

3) The Devil Went Down to Georgia (Charlie Daniels Band)

Country music has plenty of good sexcentric crooners (Kenny Rogers and the impossibly horny Conway Twitty to name two), but Chuck Daniels and the fellas’ most famous song is my go-to in that genre. Their masterpiece, about Satan challenging young Johnny to a fiddling contest for his soul, has everything you need in a classic sex song. Great music? It’s got two different styles of transcendent fiddle solos. Sexy lyrics? “Chicken’s in the bread pan picking out dough/Granny does your dog bite? No child, no,” is hotter than fuck. The narrative of the song, though, is where it really shines as a smash anthem. For me, one of strongest aphrodisiacs is the triumph of good over evil, and that’s what the whole song is about. Keep the oysters, and gas station boner pills, and massage oils, and pornography, and garden shears, and super thick and sturdy leather belts…give me the timeless quality of the good guy defeating the evil guy, and you’ve got my full attention.

2) Saved by the Bell Theme (Scott Gale)

If you’re a certain age, you know that this song is like aural Viagra. Real quick, let’s go Russian dolls in this bitch and nest a power ranking inside a power ranking. Sexiest characters from “Saved by the Bell” are:

5) Mr. Belding

4) Tori

3) Slater

2) Tie between Lisa and Kelly

1) Ms. Bliss

Bit of a copout by me at #2? Sure, but I just can’t pick between Lisa Turtle and Kelly Kapowski; I was totally enamored with both. The real sexpot of the show was Ms. Bliss, though. Real ones know.

1) Gettin’ Jiggy with It (Will Smith)

Okay, hear me out. Is this a good song? Not really. It’s not a bad song or anything. It’s fine, and it’s kinda catchy, and it was certainly popular, but it’s not necessarily good. It’s not really sexy, either, or even about sex. In fact, after dozens of listens, I can’t tell you what exactly what it is about, apart from how baller it is to procure good seats for mid-‘90s Los Angeles-area sporting events. So why is it here, at the #1 spot on a list like this? Because it’s the song that was playing the first time I had sex. It was June ’98, and my Toyota Corolla was freshly waxed, and…

Actually, ya know what? No. I’m not doing this story. Not because I’m embarrassed, or because there was nothing funny about it, or anything, but because everyone’s story of having sex for the first time is usually the same: It was sweaty, awkward, and comically short, and it sure as shit wasn’t sexy. Two and a half decades later I can barely remember the girl’s name, let alone what she looked like, and it ended up not being nearly the cataclysmic event I’d been building up in my head. At 16, sex was something that I was just glad to get out of the way (although I did eagerly anticipate the day when I wouldn’t be dogshit at it; hopefully it happens soon). That first time having sex was something that happened to me, just another signpost on the road of life, and this 3-minute, 48-second song happened to be playing when I both started and finished. All three times. 

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Happy Valentine’s Day, folks. Anyone with big plans? I’ve been married for almost 12 years, so my wife and l will probably do what we do in bed every almost every night: I’ll scroll through Twitter on my phone while listening to Phil Collins, and she’ll watch a few episodes of one of the “Real Housewives” shows on Bravo; it’s kind of our thing. I love you, darlin’. You’re the best. And sexy as hell.

Until next time. Don’t be an asshole.