november 8, 2024

I wanted to challenge myself today, as apparently being an addict in recovery with two elementary-aged kids wasn’t piling enough onto my plate. The challenge: Blank page at 8:00 AM, new 1500 word post at ASF by noon. Normally I’ll spend anywhere from 7-8 hours on a post, let it sit for a while (typically overnight), tweak it, then post it, so this will be quite the subversion of norms. 

I’ll start with some free association, stream-of-consciousness stuff…[looking around my 12 square foot office]…hey, there’s my headset. I use that for my real job to record audio for ads and social media posts, and definitely don’t watch hours of Luka Dončić highlights, episodes of “Diff’rent Strokes,” and 2 Live Crew videos. I also use my headset to stream play-by-play for the high school football team in my town where I live (and used to teach/coach at). High school play-by-play is a lot of fun, especially when you’re only loosely affiliated with the school/school district you’re covering. I’m not a district employee, so I’m free to swear, talk shit about the opposing team, and even give some extremely thinly veiled political and social opinions. The best part? Only a handful of people actually listen to the stream, and most of them are related to me, so there’s very little oversight. I get to feel like I’m saying things that a bunch of people hear, but in reality it’s just my parents and my old Algebra II teacher listening. It’s pretty good therapy, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I had some piping hot takes on recent events in our country ready to go for Friday night’s contest…

What else…aww, there’s a picture of my son. Dude is so handsome, and there’s nobody I love more than him. But…he’s also the person on this planet that can piss me off to a degree heretofore thought unreachable. Take last night/this morning as an example. He turns 10 next week, and he’s a big kid; tall, thick, and strong, and he loves to eat. As you might imagine, a kid like that takes ENORMOUS shits on the reg; just massive, massive grumpers. No big deal, right? Well, it is if you clog a toilet, don’t tell anybody, feign ignorance of said clogged shitter at 2:00 AM when your dad asks you about it ‘cause that’s when he discovered it on account of him having to pee every seven minutes, and there’s no plunger in the house for reasons I’m still unsure of. Oh, and then my wife threw up on the carpet in our bedroom ‘cause just hearing about a clogged shitter makes her queasy. In regard to the nonexistent plunger, she might have also been asked, “HOW THE SHIT DO WE HAVE 27 PIECES OF CHRISTMAS FLARE DISPLAYED IN THE LIVING ROOM ON GODDAMN NOVEMBER 7TH, BUT NOT A MOTHERFUCKING PLUNGER? Do we have a fire extinguisher? What about smoke detectors and first aid kits? Running water? What else are we missing?” Everyone’s gonna be really upset when I fake my death and move to Costa Rica here in a few weeks, but I know you guys will understand…

Hey, and there's a picture of my daughter in her soccer uniform! I don’t wanna get ahead of myself here, as she’s only six, but there’s a non-zero chance that she’s both the Marie Curie AND Hope Solo of her generation. Her IQ just might be north of 280, and she’s a fucking assassin on the soccer field, especially defensively. I know every dad thinks highly of their little girl, but she’s a fucking dynamo and I’m so glad I get to watch her grow up. Of course, she’s still a dumbass kid, so she’ll lie ass naked on the kitchen floor to let me know she’s not happy about having to take a shower…and she’s going through this phase right now where she tries to punch me in the stomach every chance she gets…and when I walk into a room without a shirt on she’ll say, “There’s daddy, going titties out,”…and she lives to antagonize her brother, knowing how easy he is to draw off-sides…and she REFUSES to wash the sink after brushing her teeth, which wouldn’t be a huge problem if it wasn’t my sink she used…but still. She’s the best, and destined for great things. If I can teach her how to not die from constant radiation exposure, as well as coach her up on how to keep super up-close selfies of her butthole from being leaked online, she might run this place one day…

Alright, just glancing around my office got me halfway there. What’s next? I tell you what I’ve really been enjoying lately, and that’s coming up with dumbass jokes. I’m gonna take a lap around the rest of the office, see what I can find that inspires me, then knock out a handful of jokes in less than 10 minutes. Be right back with a topic... [three minutes pass]…So I found my muse this morning, as well as one of my co-workers vaping at his desk even though he’s been told no less than 12 times not to do so. Whatever, he doesn’t seem to mind that I borrow a couple of his Dr. Peppers each week, so I’ll play it cool. Anywho, my inspiration is a World War II shadow box that one of the guys here has on his desk. Here we go, some WWII yucks…

What do you call a faction of bros that wears entirely too much body spray? The Axes Powers

What do you call someone that gives you a surprise haircut? Pearl Barber

If Usher would have released a song in 2001 about the Germany navy, what would it be called? U Boat

What do call a wartime British Prime Minister that can also sing in an impressive falsetto? Aaron Neville Chamberlain

We had VE Day and VJ Day, but don’t forget about how American troops celebrated once they got home: VD Day.

Five in nine minutes…not bad, even if only two of them are keepers. By the way, I highly recommend doing this when you have a few spare minutes during your day, as it’s a great way to get your own brain juices flowing. Which, speaking of…Hitler’s death!!! 

Hold on…dammit…apparently, I have to perform a duty at my paying gig…such bullshit…back in a moment…

...Okay, let’s get a time check…11:30, and I’m over 2/3 of the way there. I got this, but I’ll need to hustle. Time to just start typing shit…

-Dude, how good is pie? It’s officially Pie Season in my orbit, and it seems like there’s a different flavor in our work fridge each week. This week it’s apple, and goddamn that shit’s delicious. Put pie up there with penicillin, electricity, and Xhamster as the most crucial ideas/discoveries in human history. Speaking of pie and penicillin, I was texting one of you recently, and hooking up with big ol’ gals somehow came up. That got me to thinking about how the next big scientific breakthrough could be an all-in-one penicillin/insulin medication. And you know who it’d be perfect for? BIG OL’ GALS!!! The commercial would be awesome. “Do you love Dorito’s and deepdick? Refined sugar and railin' shaft? The taste of both bacon and balls? Crushin’ candy and giving a handy? We gotcha, girl. Peninsulin: The one tablet medication for horny ass fat chicks.” 

-What else? I got to go home to an empty house the other night, and it was…glorious. Spectacular. Ecstasy. When you’re in your 40s and don’t drink or drug anymore, the biggest high you can get is to walk into your house and have it unexpectedly be empty. No one was there to bitch about the temperature I set the A/C to; I didn’t have to listen to the kids do dipshit kid stuff; nobody said to me, “Would you please not jerk off in the living room? The blinds are open.” It was fucking bliss.

-So, a few weeks ago I had to look up an image for a dental dam (it was something I was doing for “The Dumb Zone” podcast), and I realized I had no fucking clue what a dental dam was. I knew it was some kind of oral contraceptive that partakers of cunnilingus wore, but that’s it. Then I started thinking of puns associated with “dental dam,” and the one that’s made me chuckle quite a bit recently is the idea of a Lentil Dam, which is of course a dental dam made from lentils. By itself, it’s not that funny, but then you start thinking about the kind of shit you could say to a girl while using a Lentil Dam. Such as, “Damn, girl, that pussy’s wetter than soup.” 

And since I can't top “That pussy’s wetter than soup,” I’m gonna put a bow on this one. I know it’s shorter than usual, but don’t fret. I’ve got a really good idea for an audio post next week that’s either going to be a huge hit or get me banned from the internet permanently, plus a Thanksgiving-based sex act list rattling around (giblets PROMINENTLY involved).

If you’d like to contribute, email me at armsidefun@gmail.com. I’m on Twitter @ArmSideFun, but don’t post much there anymore on account of its owner being an insufferable, fascistic assclown.

Take care, enjoy your weekend, and don’t be an asshole.