november 1st, 2024
Happy All Saints’ Day, motherfuckers. It’s my fourth favorite holiday, after Juneteenth, Arbor Day, and Jan. 6th. To celebrate, I’m purging my brain of recent ideas, meaning it’s time for yet another dip in The Marinade. Let’s get soaked…
Halloween Costumes
I mentioned a couple weeks ago that I’m writing a weekly thing for the Dumb Zone, a podcast hosted by a few guys that used to work at The Ticket. This week I came up with a few Halloween costume ideas, and some of them are listed below:
The North and South Towers
This is a tandem costume, as you and a mate dress up like the respective WTC towers, take several shots of high-proof liquor each, and [REDACTED*].
*I didn’t include the punch line in the Dumb Zone version, but here it is: “See which one of you falls down first.” I know, I know…but dude, c’mon, it’s been almost a quarter century. When can me make 9/11 jokes with impunity? Give me a date, and I’ll hold off until then, I promise. I swear to you I’ll remember to wait; with something this important, I’d Never Forget.
Slutty Helen Keller
So this is just regular, hot-as-balls Helen Keller, but with a twist: a stick-on tramp stamp that features an arrow pointing towards the butthole, paired with the words “Work This Miracle.” For a few dollars extra, you can get it in braille.
“May the 5th be With You” Yoda
Dress up as your favorite green Jedi, carry around and drink a handle of whiskey, and say things like, “Hmm, in less than 12 Parsecs I’d complete your Kessel run” to hot moms. Once you get really shit-housed, you can even start remixing lyrics from late ‘90s Nu-Metal songs. “For the Wookie, I did it all.”
Jared Bushner
The former President’s son-in-law, but with a massive, untamable bush. And an undying allegiance to the House of Al Saud.
Drake/Lamar Beef
Another tandem/couples’ idea. And these are not the rappers, mind you, but the respective universities in Des Moines, Iowa, and Beaumont, Texas. Those motherfuckers HATE each other. Have for years.
Lee Corso
This one’s easy: Drink 27 beers, attempt to communicate using the English language, and wear a stupid over-sized hat.
Dead Ball Era Taylor Swift
Yes, it’s the world’s foremost pop star and all-time low MLB slugging percentages, together at last. “’Cause baby now they’ve scored one run/I don’t think we can catch ‘em…”
Not terrible, right? Slutty Helen Keller is fucking gold, and I really like the Dead Ball era one; there’s something funny about a hybrid Taylor Swift/Honus Wagner costume that makes me giggle.
Here are the ones I came up with that I didn’t use:
Jerry Jones
Look old as fuck, be shitty at your job, drink a liter of Johnny Walker Blue, and blow loads in anything that moves.
Hairy-ett Tubman
One thing she’d never consider abolishing: Her giant bush (basically the same as “Jared Bushner,” but way more offensive).
Chemo-sabe
The Lone Ranger, but he has cancer. Cancer is a total asshole, and I hate it, but it’s impossible for me to read “Chemo-sabe” without giggling.
Sub Toretto
Dom from the “Fast and the Furious” franchise, but repurposed as a member of the BDSM community. It feels like he’d also be a power bottom; the type of dude that lives his life a quarter inch at a time.
George Washington Carver
A peanut aficionado that stalks and dismembers our nation’s first president. As you can see, these are quickly losing steam.
Rutherford B. Gayes
A group effort would be required here, but a bunch of folks dressed up as the 19th U.S. President if he was into dudes. I’m reaching now, but I can get my mind around a few more.
Boston Powers
A suave Beantown superspy from the ‘60s that says things like, “So do I make you hawny or what, kid?”
The Yamburglar
A gentleman wearing a prison-issued striped jumpsuit and a bank robber’s mask that steals root vegetables. The other option here was “The Hammburglar,” a guy that pilfers “Mad Men” DVDs.
Mike Dyson
A boxer/vacuum cleaner mash-up, I guess? Goddamn that’s bad.
Selma and Louise
Another tandem/couples’ idea that involves two besties that are on the run from the law, but also love marching for civil rights.
Britney Steers
The iconic popstar, but if she had the head of a longhorn. Or an Edward Scissorhands mashup concept called “Britney Shears.”
The Trojan Hearse
A car carrying a guy that died ‘cause of an extremely sensitive latex allergy.
Time to shut this down, methinks. If you didn’t chuckle at “Selma and Louise,” though, we’re almost certainly not friends.
This man will take your tubers.
Dumbass Jokes
So I’ve mentioned before that my brain never stops, right? That’s why I did drugs for so long, ‘cause opiates/opioids were the only thing that would chill me out and stop the constant barrage of brain activity. Since getting sober, however, I’ve had to learn to live with my mind constantly in overdrive, and it’s going…okay? I’m handling it better now than I did a couple years ago (good lookin’ out, Prozac), but it’s still a battle. One of the things I seemingly can’t stop doing, however, is coming up with stupid jokes, typically based on puns of brand names. I’ll be on my way home from work, see a billboard for a Chick-Fil-A, and start to free associate. “A chicken that…has a hard time coming up with an idea for something to write about…would be suffering from…Cock Block.” That one’s from Wednesday, and it occurs multiple times a week at this point. Here’s a few of them from the last several days:
What do you call a fast-food breakfast sandwich for a cannibal? Leg McMuffin
What’s it called when you suffer multiple stress fractures on a cross-country flight? American Hairlines
What do you call the version of Spider-Man that wears a kickass cigarette-branded denim jacket? Marlboro Miles Morales
What’s the preferred candy company of bondage enthusiasts? S&M Mars
What’s a good nickname for a teacher that loves both administering standardized tests and playing the lottery? Proctor and Gamble
What do you call a famous author that moonlights as a fast-food operator? Kentucky Fried Dickens
What do you call porridge that’s made from a horned mammal? Quaker Goats. There's also the line of sex toys modeled after Margaret Fell's mouth, called "Quaker Throats."
What do you call a soda named for the runner-up in the 1989 AL MVP vote? Sierra Mist. If he strikes out too much, I guess it’d be “Sierra Missed.”
What web domain service should an aficionado of “The Raven” use? PoeDaddy.com
What’s a gang-bang enthusiast’s favorite place to grab a burger? Five Guys
Yeah, most of them suck. But “Kentucky Fried Dickens” is goddamn inspired. And I know with 100% certainty that three of you, all currently employed as public-school educators, audibly laughed out loud at “Five Guys.” Boy I tell ya, nothing but a bunch of fucking degenerates around here.
I had Great Expectations for this premise
Fun with Photoshop
I work for a roofing company, and one of my tasks is to create things like social media posts, ads, and mass emails that get sent out when various types of storms hit. As you might imagine I have to rein myself in on these, as the powers that be want them done in a very specific way (i.e. not chock full of dated pop culture references, curse words, and 9/11 stuff). These ideas have to go somewhere, though, so enjoy:
Milli Vanilli Idea
This is one that I actually presented as something we should send out. The slightly faded and blended image of Fab and Rob in the sky is what makes this one for me. I still think it's fucking money, and would have likely generated a lot more interest in our brand than whatever generic bullshit we went with. We would have sold all the roofs had we used this.
Hail Idea
People from north central Texas ask all the time, "Do you know what I can do to prevent hail damage?" Yeah, move your building to fucking Fiji, bro.
Tornado Idea
The inspiration for this one: Apparently, many years ago, one of our customers was on his roof when a tornado hit.
Drugs Idea
Sometimes you gotta say "Fuck it" and dial up a speedball.
Hurricane Idea
We can all agree on two things, right? 1) Hurricanes and the ensuing damage are terrible. 2) This shit is hilarious. It's the poorly Photoshopped AI family and 'HELP' that I really like here. And look at that family; they LOVE that goddamn dog. They're still gonna murder and consume it, but the love is obvious.
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That's all for today, kids, there's a lot going on here at work. The main thing is that I've got a killer idea for a series of ads featuring Beyonce. My "Shingle Ladies (Put a Roof on It)" idea is gonna revolutionize the industry.