OCtober 4th, 2024

Twice in one week? At this rate I’ll need to ice my balls for a few days before we go again. I’m spoiling you motherfuckers.

Greetings, it’s Friday, which in my world means it’s time to make some godawful gambling decisions. I’ve been doing the same thing lately for the guys over at The Dumb Zone podcast (Dan McDowell, Jake Kemp, and Blake Jones, formerly of 1310 The Ticket in Dallas), and it’s only fair that I also provide my loyal reader(s) with the same objectively dogshit wagering advice. 

My first instinct here was to just copy and paste what I wrote for the Dumb Zone earlier this week; it was also my second, third, and fourth instinct, being the laziest white man alive. But no, you deserve better than that, and I shan’t be denying you original content. Although, I would highly recommend reading this week’s edition if you think you’d enjoy a Texas State STD joke. Which, c’mon…you ain’t reading this bullshit if you wouldn’t enjoy a Texas State STD joke. In fact, from what I know about most of the folks reading this, there’s a good chance at least 40% of y’all have caught an STD from a Texas State student. Rest assured that I’m not on that list, as the only time I ever hooked up with a Bobcat gal occurred in a ditch on Aquarena Springs during a full moon, a scenario in which it’s impossible to spread diseases of the loins. At least, that’s what she told me. She was an astrology major with a hospitality minor, and seemed super smart, so I’m sure her intel was legit. 

Enough stories about how I met my wife, though. It’s time to lose the shit out of some money…

Miami Hurricanes at California Golden Bears (O/U 53.5)

The “Old Man Yells at Cloud” part of me still can’t wrap my head around the fact that Cal and Miami are in the same conference. THESE SCHOOLS ARE LITERALLY ON OPPOSITE COASTS OF THE UNITED STATES!!! THIS IS A GAME THAT WILL START AT 10:30 PM EASTERN TIME!!! THIS IS AN ATLANTIC COAST CONFERENCE GAME THAT WILL BE PLAYED CLOSER TO HONOLULU THAN TO TALLAHASSEE!!! 

Okay, I’ll stop yelling. But shit…the new normal in college football is hard to get used to. Regardless, there’s money to be lost here, so forward we will march. Between Miami’s Cam Ward’s absurd ability at quarterbacking and the late-night start, I think this may be one of those classic Pac-12 After Dark games that goes to two or three overtimes and ends up 54-48. I’m banging over 53.5 points for this game, as well as the final whistle occurring after 2:30 AM on the east coast.

Rutgers Scarlet Knights at Nebraska Cornhuskers (-7)

See, this is what the fuck I’m talking about. A classic, old-school, rivalry game between two stalwart Big 10 programs that have hated each other for decades. Rutgers at Nebraska is everything college football should be, and I hope all those boosters and school presidents out there that are hunting new conferences like Jerry Jones hunts discrete abortion doctors are paying attention. Goddamnit, this is what college football should be. The Scarlet Knights, from Camden, New Jersey, representing everything that is good and decent and pure about the Midwest. The Cornhuskers, from Lincoln, Nebraska, a place where loyalty matters, and no person or institution would ever leave for greener pastures. [DEEP, SMUG, SELF-SATISFYING BREATH]. Give me Dylan Raiola and the Huskers to cover. A few guys that read the site had the pleasure of coaching Dylan when he was in high school, and the true freshman already appears to be a legit superstar.

Temple Owls at UCONN Huskies (-17)

How is a John Chaney-led Owls’ team ever this big a dog, even on the road against a ranked powerhouse? I know Jim Calhoun’s done a great job bringing in big-time talent like Ray Allen and Travis Knight, but Coach Chaney’s match-up zone defense, anchored by long-limbed likely future NBAer Eddie Jones, can neutralize even the most potent offense. Give me the Owls and the points in this Atlantic 10/Big East matchup.

Central Florida Knights at Florida Gators (O/U 61.5)

This is a 6:30 PM local kick in Gainesville, meaning there will literally be, at most, 12 sober folks in attendance. Two of the biggest white trash cities and fan bases in the country, separated by less than 100 miles, with all day to huff paint, drink homemade Fireball, and rail amphetamine at a rate that makes Appalachian folk seem genteel? Pretty good chance this game doesn’t make it to the 4th quarter before Brytnee from Jacksonville breaks a Bud Ice bottle over the head of ShawnaLynn from DeLand for trying to steal her Adderall and her man, sparking a stadium-wide brawl that halts the game. Give me under 61.5 points for the game Saturday, and over 63.5 class B felonies in Alachua County.

New York Jets at Minnesota Vikings (-2.5)

Onto the league…this is one of those handful of NFL games they play in London each year that kick off at 8:30 AM Central time, meaning I’ll have live football to watch during church once the credits roll on “Human Centipede.” I don’t know if the Vikings are as good as everyone else seems to think they are, as most of the football world is busy hailing Sam Darnold as a legit MVP candidate, but they’ve started ’24 on a heater, no question. They’ve been very impressive on both sides of the ball, and they also have Justin Jefferson, the best receiver in the game by a significant margin and who seems to be on a Randy Moss/Larry Fitzgerald trajectory career-wise. Plus, one other thing is really tipping this thing towards selecting Minnesota: The United Kingdom has close to a 90% COVID vaccination rate, and you just know that’s gonna fuck with Aaron Rodgers. I’ll give the points and take the Vikes.

Baltimore Ravens (-2.5) at Cincinnati Bengals

We’re close to the point of the NFL season where the sportsbooks have just about calibrated their lines to this season’s games/results/injuries, but I think this line is off. Yes, the Lamar Jackson/Derrick Henry combo’s looked like the football equivalent of Omar and Brother Mouzone Swiss cheesing Stringer at the construction site at the end of Season 3 of “The Wire.” And, I must admit, Baltimore’s win over Buffalo Monday was quite impressive. But almost a field goal favorite on the road in a divisional/rivalry game against a team with a top 10 quarterback? Are they really that good? I may be proved wrong Sunday (read: you should definitely fade this pick), but I’ll take Joe Burrow at home, plus the points.

Dallas Cowboys at Pittsburgh Steelers (O/U 42.5)

Okay, I lied, I’m going to copy/paste the Cowboys’ section that I wrote for the Dumb Zone. I feel that, in a few special cases like this, it’s okay to plagiarize myself. I gotta be careful not to do it too often, though; grandma said it’d make me go blind.

You remember the last time these teams played in the Keystone State? November 13th, 2016. Eight years ago. Dak and Zeke were rookies. 40% of the ‘Boys current starting O-line were in middle school. Cowboys 35, Steelers 30. Zeke scored three touchdowns on the day (including two in the last two minutes of the game) and averaged 5.4 yards a carry (6.3 more than his 2024 average) in a crazy-ass game from Heinz Field. Dak was lights out (319 yards, two touchdowns, no picks), and Dez put up a 6 for 116 line with a touchdown. Even Cole Beasley balled out, notching 14 receptions for 88 yards. Check that, he had five catches for 33 yards; those other numbers are for a different thing he does. I think the pendulum swings back the other way for this one, so I’m hammering the under.

Kansas City Royals (+160) at New York Yankees (American League Divisional Series)

A wise man once told me: In baseball, you gotta bet your dogs. Give me the Royals to win the series here, as +160 is too good of a price for a team that has Bobby Witt, Jr. playing shortstop at an absurdly high level. I know Aaron Judge just had one of the best seasons in American League history (again), but Matt Quatraro seems like the kind of dude that is smart enough to not pitch to him unless absolutely necessary. Factor in Cole Ragans looking like a poor man’s 2015 Clayton Kershaw, a banged-up New York bench, and the fact that I’d quite literally rather swallow flaming knives than predict a positive result for the New York Yankees, KC is the easy pick here.

This Post Getting Over 1,500 Words (+850) vs. My Inherent Laziness (-1200)

1,478 at the start of this sentence? This could go either way...

Thanks for reading. Don’t be an asshole. (Holy shit, a push! I HEART GAMBLING!!!)