OCtober 25th, 2024
Sometimes you gotta simplify, right? Soften the edges and chill; lower your defenses. The world can be a hard place, but what can you do when you want to relax and ease the tension in this crazy life? You get back to basics.
No, that’s not the intro of a commercial for Flostriction, the medication for dudes that regularly endure 12-hour boners (side effects may include spasmic ejaculation and 36-hour boners). I’m not planning to relapse, either (917 days sober, brah). But I am getting back to basics here today at Arm Side Fun, and dancin’ with the ones that brung me. What does that mean? A playlist and a power ranking, folks, the way things should be. The way things are supposed to be. And please, probably the most important thing you’ll here today: While taking Flostriction, consult your doctor if your dick starts leaking blood.
Today’s Playlist: Metallica Deep Cuts
I fucking love Metallica, and that’s really all there is to it. I’m not even sure I can provide a good reason, other than “I just do.” I’m not a huge metal fan otherwise, but there’s something about the melodies and musicianship of Metallica, combined with the face-melting riffs and song topics, that resonate with me almost 35 years after being first exposed to them. I’ve quite literally listened to tens of thousands of hours of Metallica in my life, and right now I’m in a deep cut phase. I think most folks know the classics like “Master of Puppets,” “For Whom the Bell Tolls,” “Seek and Destroy,” and “Enter Sandman.” All of those are terrific songs that I listen to on the reg, but today’s all about the bench players for San Francisco’s favorite sons of shred. The forgotten gems, the D-Sides. Some of these you may know, some of them you may not, but rest assured they’re all spectacularly glorious in their own way.
The World Series starts today (give me LA in 7), and I was going to do a preview…when I realized there’s literally hundreds of folks out there who do that sort of thing of thing infinitely better than me. I wanted to do something baseball-centric, though, but I couldn’t nail down the topic until a couple days ago, when Fernando Valenzuela died. I was just a baby when Fernandomania started and peaked, but I did get to see El Toro pitch many times towards the end of his career (though, sadly, never in person). If you can’t get excited watching an overweight lefty from Navojoa, Mexico, carve big league lineups at Chavez Ravine while utilizing one of the most legendarily outside the box windups off all time, then I don’t want to be friends with you. (It’s you that’s the problem, not me.) I loved Fernando Valenzuela, so to honor his career, life, and death, today we’re power ranking the best of the most unorthodox pitching motions in baseball history. This one is right in my wheelhouse, as for most of my playing career I was a side-arming righty. Combine that with a few certain measurables (I’m 6’6” and have a seven-foot wingspan), and my delivery was quite unusual. I would stride as far as I could with my lead leg, reach as far as I could with the baseball, and almost push the ball to the plate. One of my buddies described it as, “It looks like you’re trying to shove the ball up the hitter’s ass,” which…I mean, yeah. In a lot of ways, I was. Hitters are the enemy; fuck ‘em.
10. Carl Hubbell
I still coach baseball a bit these days, and one of things I tell pitchers is, “Throw the shit out of it.” Guiding the ball, aiming the ball, nibbling the corners, trying to be precise with it…piss off with than nonsense, and let that motherfucker eat. Go fast, stay sideways a long time, get down the hill with purpose, and attack. Perhaps the exemplar of this was Carl Hubbell, a/k/a The Meal Ticket, the lefty for the New York Baseball Giants that struck out five Hall of Famers consecutively in the 1934 All-Star Game (Babe Ruth, Lou Gehrig, Nellie Fox, Al Simmons, and Joe Cronin, if that’s good). Dude threw the absolute elephant shit out of his screwball, to the point that when his HOF career ended, his left arm was permanently disfigured. Not less than 100%, or a little sore, or kinda injured, or scarred from surgery, but GODDAMN DISFIGURED from the repeated stress and over-pronation required to throw a scroogie. That’s commitment to the bit, kids, and some of the most gangster shit I’ve ever heard.
9. Hoby Milner
Two reasons Hoby makes the list: 1) He’s a side-arming lefty that is damn near down at submarine level, which is just awesome; not nearly enough of those types of dudes in the world. 2) I coached him when he was a senior in high school. If you’ve never had the privilege of coaching a future big leaguer, I highly recommend it. They can make the adjustments you suggest immediately, they ask great questions, they’re all business (even as teenagers), and you get to watch them do incredibly stupid things in games, like hit .500+ for the season or strike out 17 hitters in seven innings pitched (at the 6A level in Texas). He was also a great kid, and it seems like he’s still a great dude now that he’s in his 30s and firmly established as an MLB reliever. Congratulations, Hoby, on everything, and keep grinding.
8. Tim Lincecum
He was MAYBE 5’9”, weighed about a buck-55, looked like fuckin’ Mitch from “Dazed and Confused,” and essentially jumped down the mound on his way to four All-Star Game nods and consecutive NL Cy Youngs in ’08 and ’09. The Freak was never not making this list.
7. Satchel Paige
Satchel Paige was a goddamn force of nature, and likely one of the best handful of pitchers ever (even though he didn’t throw an MLB pitch until he was in his mid-30s; suck my taint, racism). That he did all that he did while utilizing the delivery in the accompanying picture is just astounding, and a testament to his 99th percentile level dexterity, balance, and athleticism. Satchel Paige is an all-timer, and a guy near, and perhaps at the top, of my personal “Wish I Coulda Seen Him Do His Thing In-Person” list (along with Babe Ruth, Willie Mays, Wilt Chamberlain, Jim Brown, Jimi Hendrix, Richard Pryor, Muhammad Ali, and Caligula). Plus, do you know why he called his best friend Buck O’Neil “Nancy?” The short answer: Dude loved trim. A ballplayer through and through, Mr. Paige was.
6. Orlando Hernandez
El Duque (which is, of course, español for “old as shit”) was an absolute wizard on the bump, with his distinctive leg kick and varying deliveries, and was the prototype for current-day guys like Johnny Cueto and Nestor Cortes. Even while pitching from the stretch, his left knee would often reach roughly halfway to outer space; that bitch got UP THERE. Then he’d throw one of 17 different pitches from one of 31 different arm angles, and I’m not sure how anyone ever barreled him. Even though he came to the States well after his prime, he still had a hell of an MLB career, racking up four World Series titles in 10 seasons. Which, y’know, not bad for a dude that got his start pitching at the tail end of the Spanish-American War. BTW, I totally copied his leg kick when I was in college. Which was helpful in my pursuit of looking dead sexy on the mound, but terrible for keeping baserunners from getting huge leads and ripping bags all over the place. Great at holding runners I was not, which is why I didn’t let those motherfuckers reach very often.
5. Kent Tekulve
This list initially featured eight submarine guys ‘cause I love that shit, but I felt I needed to pare that down a bit. What was never in question, though, was the inclusion of Kent Tekulve, maybe the best submariner to ever do it. KT pitched in over 1000 games in the big leagues (mostly with the Pirates) and sported a career ERA of 2.85. In three different seasons he appeared in 90 or more games, and across the 1978 and 1979 regular seasons he threw a combined 270 innings WHILE MAKING ZERO STARTS. He also recorded the final out of Game Seven of the 1979 World Series against Baltimore, the last time the Bucs won a ring, and is a Steel Town legend. But apart from all that…just look at this motherfucker. With that type of vibe, you’ve really only got three options as far as a career goes: dominant submarining righty, world class amphetamine dealer, or guy that the feds use undercover when trying to infiltrate a group of pederasts. Just a tremendous aesthetic, paired with an exquisite delivery, that led to one the best careers ever for a reliever.
4. Hideo Nomo
If you were a kid in the mid-‘90s, there’s two sports-related things you absolutely, no doubt, 100% tried at least one time: You did the “Happy Gilmore” golf swing at the driving range, and you mimicked Hideo Nomo’s windup. I was too young to experience Fernandonmania in real time, but I was front and center for Nomomania, when the dude took the league by storm. His delivery, especially from the stretch, was fairly routine, but it was his windup that was so kickass. His hands would go straight up, he’d slowly rotate until the hitter could clearly see both digits of the “16” on the back of his jersey, then he’d unleash hell in the form of either 94 at the knees or a “Fuck you” split finger that bordered on witchcraft. True story: The maddest I’ve ever been at my mom for something ridiculous occurred in 1990 when she made me stop playing “Super Mario 3” because I’d literally been doing so for 10 hours straight (I may or may not have said the words, “DO YOU EVEN LOVE ME ANYMORE?!?”). The second maddest I’ve ever been at her for something dumb happened in 1995, when the MLB All-Star game was at the Ballpark in Arlington. Hideo Nomo started for the National League, and I BEGGED her to take my brother and I. Of course we didn’t go, ‘cause tickets were stupid expensive, but that didn’t stop me for irrationally holding a grudge for…(checks watch)…29+ years. Time to let it go, I suppose. As far as Hideo’s windup, I never had the balls (or, if I’m being honest, the athleticism) to try it anywhere but the bullpen, but I did wear his #16 all throughout high school.
3. Fernando Valenzuela
I know, I should probably put him first because he inspired the list. Well, that and he just died. But his placement on this list is more a function of the next two dudes than anything else. Just watch this video, would you? Dude had a pretty standard delivery, even out of the windup, but it was the slight pause and look to the sky, with his hands almost fully extended, that is so great. It was as if he was giving the gods a heads up. “You motherfuckers watchin’? If not, you really should. ‘Cause I’m about to throw a screwball, everybody in the stadium knows I’m about to throw screwball, and it won’t matter. See the cat with the bat in his hands? HE. WILL. NOT. SNIFF IT.” My favorite stat of his is from the ’81 season, his first full year in the bigs and the year he was name both NL Rookie of the Year and Cy Young winner. He allowed just 140 hits in 192.1 innings pitched, which is insanely impressive in its own right, but the stupidest stat from this season is this: He made 25 starts and threw eight shutouts. Do you know hard it is to throw a nine-inning shutout? At any level? I threw exactly one in my career, and I remember every detail of it explicitly because it’s so incredibly difficult to do. But ‘Nando did it in one out of every three starts in the show when he was 20 years old. Dude was a comet, and he’ll be sorely missed. Have a good rest, El Toro.
2. Juan Marichal
The Dominican Dandy, a Hall of Famer, and a goddamn legend. I can’t tell you how many times I aped his delivery in the pen. Which wasn’t easy, ‘cause the bottom of Juan’s left cleat would literally be facing the sky at the apex of his delivery. What I learned from watching old clips of Juan Marichal is that good stuff, when paired with a deceptive and/or spastic delivery, can be a nightmare for hitters. Dude had arms and legs and elbows going every which way, and there’s no way that hitters weren’t affected by that. The key to a good magic trick is to distract the audience with something shiny so that you can do your thing, and Juan Marichal was a fucking magician on the mound.
1. Dan Quisenberry
I LOVE SUBMARINE GUYS!!! Pat Neshek, Chad Bradford, Darren O’Day, Tyler Rogers, Gene Garber, former Ranger Gary Mielke, the aforementioned Kent Tekulve…they all have a special place in my heart, but DQ is the first guy I think of when I think of pitchers that damn near throw underhanded. My favorite part of pitching the way I did was getting a guy to hit a weak groundball. It was the fucking best, and out of all the many drugs I’ve tried, I’ve yet to find one that matches the high of sawing a dude off and having him hit a nine-hopper to the second baseman. Quiz was a master at this, inducing groundballs at a rate of 57.7% in his career, way, way, way above the MLB average of 43%. Quiz’s best three-season run was probably 1982-1984, when he finished third, second, and second in AL Cy Young voting, respectively. He logged 405 innings total in those seasons (all in relief), and posted an ERA of 2.38. The most impressive part was how he did it, though: He only struck out 135 hitters in that stretch; he was a groundball savant. He was also a wisecrack, as illustrated by a quote he gave in 1980 after getting Graig Nettles to hit into a game-ending double play with the tying run at first in Game Two of the ALCS. A reporter asked him, “What’d ya throw, there, Quiz?” He didn’t miss a beat, answering, “Overhand curve.” Goddamn brilliant, sir. Dan Quisenberry was a smartass, a gentleman, he had a transcendent mustache, and all he did was get weak groundball after weak groundball, things that virtually guaranteed his placement at the top of this list.
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Enjoy your weekend, enjoy Dodgers/Yankees, and don’t be an asshole.