OCtober 1st, 2024

What is this? New written words at Arm Side Fun? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?

Big news, I know. The impetus? I got my September stats from GoDaddy a couple days ago, and unique site visits were down 70% from August (the math was easy, as there were 10 visitors in August versus 3 in September). This wildly ludicrous pipe dream I have of being able to get paid to sit at a computer and write jokes about ass play and Mexican Pancakes while listening to ‘80s pop and ‘70s country ain’t gonna pan out at that paltry pace, so it’s grind-thirty here at ASF. And away we go... 

Something that I’ve been asked about a few times is which writers/comics/personalities have most influenced me. I think it’s pretty obvious that Norm MacDonald is someone I’ve consumed a lot of over the years, as well as Bill Simmons (asshat that he no doubt is). I’d also have to give credit to seasons 4-9 of “The Simpsons,” Jim Rome, Dan McDowell and Jake Kemp from “The Dumb Zone,” as well as a whole bunch of dudes from The Ticket radio station in Dallas/Fort Worth. Gordon Keith, George Dunham, Donovan Lewis, Bob Sturm, Corby Davidson, Ty Walker…basically everyone at the station but Matt McLearin, as he objectively sucks at everything except making a no-crust sandwich for his best gal. 

A huge influence on me you’ve likely not heard of is a dude named…I'm not sure. He just went by the nom de plume “Philalawyer,” as he was a lawyer from Philly (fuck the Eagles) that wrote about the absurdities of his profession and chronicled his extensive drug use along the way. His website has long been defunct, but he wrote a book called “Happy Hour is for Amateurs,” and it’s phenomenal. I read it at least once a year, and if you’ve ever enjoyed anything I’ve ever written you’ll love reading this guy’s stuff. And if you do, it’ll become very obvious very quickly that his voice is one that has impacted my writing quite a bit.

If I have to name the person that's had the biggest influence on me, though, it's probably a guy named Bill Scheft. Bill was a writer for David Letterman’s various late-night shows for almost 25 years, has penned five novels, and is also a stand-up comic. Where I know him from best is the column he wrote for Sports Illustrated for a few years called “The Show.” It was essentially the written form of a stand-up set, but the topics and jokes were related to what was going on in the world of sports that week. His stuff was topical, hilarious, and incredibly well-crafted, and I adored it. I was an SI subscriber for nearly 20 years, and by far my favorite regular feature in all those years was “The Show.” (A couple links that will help today: a few of his archived columns, and a place to buy “The Best of The Show,” a collection of his columns.)

The setup of “The Show” was simple: an opener, a bunch of jokes about the week that was in sports, and then a musical act at the end. It was perfect, but I always thought a slightly more ribald version (read: one with more dick jokes) would be the next logical step, so that’s what I’ll attempt to do today. It won’t be any good, especially relative to Mr. Scheft’s work, but this is a box I’ve been wanting to check for a long time.

Here we go, my shitty attempt to bite a legend…

 (Tap Tap)...Good evening folks, it’s great to be here. I just flew in from Cleveland, and boy are my arms tired. Not because I was literally flying and flapping them, though. No. You see, airplanes make me nervous, and when I get nervous I furiously masturbate. With both hands. And sometimes my elbows. 

Speaking of throwing around wild ‘bows, Dikembe Mutumbo, one of the most dominant shot-blocking centers in NBA history, died yesterday at the age of 58. It’d be quite the bit of irony if Saint Peter rejected his bid to enter heaven.

His full name was Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean-Jacques Wamutombo, and he played 18 years in the NBA. It’s a shame he couldn’t get to 19, as then he’d have a season for every syllable.

Mutombo is probably most well-known for his legendary finger wag. Groupies, strippers, escorts…they’ll all tell you that his digital dexterity was on point.

On the court, Mutombo' was instrumental in the 8-seed Denver Nuggets upsetting the 1-seed Seattle SuperSonics in the 1994 NBA playoffs. He blocked so many of the shots Shawn Kemp got off in that series that Kemp went almost two weeks without getting anyone pregnant.

There’re so many good Dikembe Mutumbo stories. My favorite is the one about the time he went to a Halloween party, saw a bunch of women dressed as witches, and said, “WHO WANTS TO HEX MUTUMBO?” 

Pete Rose dies at 83.46 years old. Pete got the last laugh, though, as he had under 83.5.

Rose was in poor health in his later years and wasn’t under his primary physician’s care at the end of his life. Which makes sense, ‘cause that doctor was notorious for giving shit odds on teasers.

Right before his death, Rose and Dairy Queen announced a new dessert item commemorating his illustrious career: the Peanut Buster Parlay.

4,256. Wow. What an impressive number, one that will likely never be topped. Can you believe that’s how many times he was comped at the Tropicana buffet? 

At one point Rose was in talks to be a producer/consultant on a movie about a hard-nosed, scrappy ballplayer from southeast Asia. The working title was “Charlie Hustle.”

Rose’s son, Pete Jr., was touched by all the moving tributes to the Hit King. In fact, he was so bowled over by the many gestures that he briefly considered changing his name to Ray Fosse, Jr.

Did you hear the rumors that Rose had a huge crank? It was also said that he suffered from severe ringworm in his later years. Yeah, it got so bad that he called his dick “The Big Red Machine.”

The Major League Baseball playoffs started this week. Don’t be surprised if Shohei Ohtani gets off to a slow start for the Dodgers this postseason. This time of year, he’s accustomed to being the first in line for the latest “Saw” movie.

Ohtani hit 54 home runs in 2024, and also stole 59 bases. That’s almost as impressive as Trevor Bauer’s 60/60 season in 2019. Of course, that was lawsuits and restraining orders filed against, but still. Huge numbers.

Aaron Judge of the Yankees had another huge year, as he led all big leaguers in 2024 with 11.2 WAR (Wins Above Replacement). Impressive, but still well behind Bartolo Colon’s 2014 mark of 17.6 WAR (Waffles Above Replacement).

Chris Sale of the Braves will likely win the NL Cy Young award on the strength of an 18-3 record and ERA of 2.38. Of course, being a lefty in Georgia, Sale’s coronation will almost certainly be contested by David Shafer.

Tarik Skubal won the pitching Triple Crown in the American League, pacing the Junior Circuit with 18 wins, an ERA of 2.39, and 228 strikeouts. He also obliterated the record for Most Impressive Accomplishment by a Dude Named Tarik.

The Houston Astros are back in the postseason and will be looking to make the ALCS for the 8th year in a row. If that happens, Jose Altuve’s parents promised him he could ride in the front seat on the way home.

The NFL enters its second month. Two months along? We talking about pro football, or Jerry Jones’ latest mistress?

Heading into a big matchup with the Steelers on Sunday night, Jones and his Cowboys have a record of 2-2, a bit disappointing for a team expecting to win 10-12 games. Even more disappointing: Jerry is at .500 himself this year, as only 37 of the waitresses he’s fucked in 2024 are with child.

What do you call it when Jerry Jones has COVID and attends an orgy? A super spreader event. (I bet he’s a fan of the jab then, amirite?) Actually, check that. My mistake. Apparently Jerry already has a name for this: Tuesday.

In college football, the Texas Longhorns are 5-0 after notching win in first SEC game. Phenomenal numbers for Arch Manning in 2.5 games since he's taken over for the injured Quinn Ewers, as the freshman signal caller has thrown for 900 yards and has a touchdown-to-interception ratio of 9:2. Even more eye-opening: In the last two weeks, Manning’s been on the receiving end of five hand jobs in 6th Street back alleys. Although, it must be noted, he only completed 60%.

Down in Austin, folks are saying that Manning is well on his way to cementing his legacy as a UT quarterback. Word is he’s already lost six figures investing in Vince Young’s chain of laundromats. 

A chain of Vince Young laundromats would be called…what exactly? White Elephant Washateria? Taken to the Cleaners? I Lost My Shirt So You Won’t Have To? Ooh, I know: Chapter 7 Suds. 

And finally, Hall of Fame quarterback Brett Favre recently announced that he has Parkinson’s Disease. Man, I feel bad about that. I feel bad for Brett, for the Favre family, and especially for the young reporter that’s about to receive a few dozen blurry dick pics.

It should have been obvious, right? In retrospect, the signs were all there. How'd we not see this? How'd we not know that Brett Favre was sending unsolicited shots of his cock to women half his age?

The funniest part about the Brett Favre dick pic stuff was the reaction to his unkempt bush. In fact, some girls I know gave him a nickname: Curly Lambeau.

As a peace offering for what some may consider to be off-color jokes, I have an idea for you, Mr. Favre: If the volleyball arena you tried to get built with ill-gotten money that was earmarked for folks on welfare in the state of Mississippi ever gets erected, there’s now a natural partner for the naming rights: Shake Shack. 

My time is up, you’ve been great. Enjoy Chingy. 

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THAT WAS SO MUCH FUN!!! And at least two of those jokes were funny!!!

A huge thank you to the great Bill Scheft for the inspiration. I’d also like to apologize to Mr. Scheft for shitting all over his legacy. 

If you wanna email me and tell me how terrible an homage this was to “The Show”, you may do so at armsidefun@gmail.com. I’ve also ended my moratorium on Twitter and will occasionally (and mediocrely) tweet @ArmSideFun. 

I’ll be back with something Friday, although the idea well is drier than a camel's taint right now. Cowboys/Steelers stuff through the years, maybe…

TUNE IN FRIDAY TO FIND OUT!!! In the meantime, buy Bill’s book(s), and don’t be an asshole.