january 16th, 2024

Today’s Playlist: Walk-Up Songs

I’m a baseball guy and love the idea of walk-up songs…for players of a certain age. We don’t need ‘2 Legit 2 Quit’ or Pitbull blaring from a shitty iPhone 8 when little Keighdyyyyn takes at-bats in his 6U game, but for high schoolers and above, I love it. These are some of my favorites…

How We Do (The Game, ft. 50 Cent)-A fantastic piano and bass heavy intro, coupled with a non-offensive early hook. An almost perfect walk-up song.

Still D.R.E. (Dr. Dre, ft. Snoop Dogg)-One of the most iconic piano intros ever, but you gotta use the edited version, as Snoop is working blue right from the get.

Sure Shot (Beastie Boys)-Michael Young, one of the best Texas Rangers in franchise history, used this as his song for many years. Slick knew the score.

Shut Up (Trick Daddy, ft. Duece Poppito, Trina, and C.O.)-Just a tremendous song, and one that, if you’re a certain age, you almost certainly listened to while drinking 11 Bud Ices and running bad game on a young lady best described as portly. Hat tip to Trina, the proto-Megan Thee Stallion, for her work on this song and many others.

Win In the End (Mark Safan)-This is from the ‘Teen Wolf’ soundtrack, and my personal favorite. Why? ‘Cause I used it as my walk-up song. I was quite possibly the worst hitter of all time, so I never took a meaningful at-bat in college. But I did pitch in a bunch of games, and this song would play when I took the mound. One of the reasons I picked it is because it’s awesome, but another reason is that it’s 4:40 in length. You see, I sprinted from the bullpen to the mound whenever I came into pitch, but since I was typically hungover and severely dehydrated most days in that era, I needed a couple minutes to catch my breath and regroup before throwing any warm-up pitches. So, while listening to a synth heavy ’80s classic, I’d walk around the mound, pretend to talk to our catcher about signs, let the wave of nausea pass, then get to work. It was a good system.

Still Not a Player (Big Pun, ft. Joe)-Edited version only, ‘cause the first words uttered by Pun are ‘I’m not a player, I just crush a lot…’ Perfect for a cocky middle-of-the-order hitter that needs at least half a dozen rulers for a very specific project. 

Beautiful (Snoop Dogg)-Full disclosure: The best hitter I ever played with used this as his walk-up song. But it’s a great song, with a catchy intro, and I can’t hear it without thinking of a future big leaguer crushing oppo doubles and not even considering going to a single class that one semester.

Stay Fly (Three 6 Mafia, ft. 8 Ball and MJG)-So good. So catchy. So Memphis. 

This Is How We Do (Big Tymers)-You gotta cut it off before the first hook ends, but that first 17 seconds or so is pure magic. If I was a hitter, this would be my pick.

Tulsa Time (Don Williams)-An odd pick, you might be thinking. A hypothetical, though: Say you’re a pitcher that loves drinking Busch Light. In fact, you love it more than you love chain smoking cigarettes and listening to classic country music, which means you REALLY love drinking Busch Light. If you find yourself checking all of these boxes, this is the perfect walk-up song for you.

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I’m still working through the stages of grief regarding the Cowboys’ loss to Green Bay. Sunday night was denial heavy, most of Monday and Tuesday was filled with depression, and Wednesday was mainly bargaining (“Damnit, If I’d have just made my wife wear the Randy White jersey instead of the Nate Newton jersey during our weekly ‘Down, Set, Nut’ sesh, none of this would have happened.”). Yesterday was more depression, but today I’m angry, and it feels like I may be sitting in this stage for a bit. I’m not even remotely ready to process any of this. 

Goddamn Cowboys…

Instead, how about a Power Ranking? Everyone loves these, right? I know I do, and it’s not just because I’m dogshit at narrative writing. 

I’m a long-time Texas high school coach, or at least I used to be, and I’ve always enjoyed high school sports. Playing them, watching them, coaching them, reading about them, writing about them, talking about them…I enjoy(ed) all of it. One of my favorite aspects of high school sports is the various mascots. Sure, there are a ton of Eagles, Wildcats, Bulldogs, Panthers, and Tigers out there. But in a state that boasts over 2,800 public high schools, there’s a treasure trove of unique and interesting ones, too. Here is a power ranking of the 10 most unique high school mascots in the state of Texas:

10) Hutto Hippos

I’m a sucker for two things: alliteration, and mascots that evoke memories of a favorite childhood game. The Hippos of Hutto High, who may or may not be Hungry Hungry, check both boxes and were a cinch to make this list. I also enjoy animals that look like they might be fun and sweet and docile, but will totally fuck you up. Hippos ain’t messin’ about.

9) Mason Punchers

Apparently, a puncher is a term for a hired hand that tends to cattle, but I’m not buying it. Someone saw an opportunity to name a mascot after one of the many euphemisms for masturbation, and they ran with it. Much respect. The Mason Punchers…I like the way that flows. Way better than the Mason Crankers or the Mason Hey Babe, Where’s The Thick Belts?

8) Fort Worth Polytechnic Parrots

Alliteration strikes again, but this one goes deeper for me. My mother once owned a business called Poly Sheet Metal; before her, my grandpa owned it. At one point it was headquartered in a bright orange building on Avenue A in the Polytechnic Heights neighborhood of Fort Worth, right across the street from the Texas Wesleyan University tennis courts and less than half a mile from Poly High School. My brother and I spent a lot of time there as kids, and the Poly Parrots will always hold a special place in my heart.

7) Mesquite Skeeters

Ostensibly the Mesquite High mascot is a mosquito, and was created long before Lil’ Jon and Dave Chappelle helped make the term mainstream, but c’mon. They’re the Skeeters. It’s a mascot named after the act of jizzing…it never had a chance to not make this list. I don’t care how old you are, or how cultured you are, or how mature you think you are…if you say you’re able to hear the word ‘skeet’ or one of its derivatives and not have to suppress a giggle, you’re either dead inside or a goddamn liar.

6) Robstown Cotton Pickers

Oh man. This seems super racist, right? It’s not just me, is it? Sure, the cotton industry is a big economic driver in the Coastal Bend area, and it’s supposed to be a nod to that, but dude…the Cotton Pickers??? THE MOTHERFUCKING COTTON PICKERS!!! No way that was an accident; whomever selected that name knew exactly what they were doing. You know the old saying, though: Plausible deniability is a hell of a drug.

5) Amarillo Golden Sandies

A sandie is apparently a sandstorm. If you’ve never been to that part of Texas, it’s a perfect mascot for the area. They’ve got very little going on up there, other than endless stretches of highway, wind, dusty terrain, and that one tree. The people are super nice, but it’s quite possibly the dullest region in the state. The artwork could be better here. Dude is just a yellow tornado that either just shit himself, or is trying like hell not to. 

4) Springtown Porcupines

POJO!!! Go ‘Pines. Porcupines may seem dangerous, but they’ve got nothing on another species native to northeast Parker County: Amphetamenia Milfus, or the amphetamilf. The amphetamilf’s identifiable characteristics are its ‘Rode Hard, Put Up Wet’ aesthetic, Adderall-stained nostrils, multiple pending paternity suits, and bleached asshole. It can be recognized by its constant chattering of how for the last two decades it’s been less than 20 credit hours short of an associate degree in Hospitality and Tourism. The natural habitat of the amphetamilf is stall two of the men’s room at the Applebee’s bar. Approach with extreme caution and multiple layers of PPE.

3) Frost Polar Bears

Polar bears are objectively kickass, okay? I’ll hear no counter arguments. I really enjoy nature shows (the David Attenborough type), and love watching episodes that focus on the arctic climates. Although, this particular logo used by Frost High could use some reworking. Poor bear looks like he’s having a stroke.

2) New Braunfels Unicorns

People either love the fact that New Braunfels High’s mascot is the Unicorns, or they hate it. There’s no in-between. I love it. I’ve heard some folks argue that unicorns aren’t fierce or intimidating, but that’s nonsense. It’s a fucking horse with basically a dick growing out of its forehead, how is anyone not terrified of that? And look at the artwork. Bro is cooking up some unsavory shit, and most assuredly has less than honorable plans for his dickhorn.

1) Cuero Gobblers

I know their mascot is called Toby the Turkey, but it looks like it could be a chicken, right? And if it’s a chicken, then it’d be really easy to call them the C-Gobblers, right? And since I’m eternally a 14-year-old boy, this is the easiest call I’ve ever made. The C-Gobblers are number one. Even without all that, though, it’s still a really unique mascot, and I love the logo they use. Look at that thing (it’s at the top of the post). It’s a mashup of the Incredible Hulk and the San Diego Chicken. It’s perfect.

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That's a wrap, kids. See you next time. Don't be an asshole.